I don’t understand why I get into these moods. I clam shut and if someone were to say something I’d blow up on them or want to hurt myself. It’s like I hate living. But really what is motivation? Motivation to live or to die? You can be motivated to die… it’s super easy though, and humans like to complicate things. I could die..
It’s like my views and perceptions get completely turned upside down. Maybe because I can understand and accept so many others points of view that I have no idea what is my own… but really, my own isn’t worth anything but another’s opinion. If your opinion doesn’t matter then why should mine?
I feel so helpless, no one can help me because everything anyone says I understand and accept but I don’t allow it to seep inside me. I don’t allow it to penetrate. Like in self defense, I use their words against them… I know how to turn things around, I know how to make nonsense make sense.
I just don’t understand the point of life when all there is is death, destruction and chaos. Yes there’s love, but not the pure true love. No one can honestly say “I love you unconditionally,” then there’s the: “except if you cheat… then I won’t love you anymore” okay there’s a condiontion. Or “I’ll love you unconditionally, except if you don’t answer me for weeks” there’s a condition. Unconditional love does not exist on this plane, only through this plane. It can’t survive in our minds, because our minds can’t perceive it. So what happens when you do perceive it, -like a near death experience – then come back to reality? Then what? Oh right there’s me… I didn’t have a near death experience, however I was there I felt it, and now again, I’m stuck here on this plane in hell. In this body, in this life. The point is mute.
It’s like a little sibling that isn’t really there, at least that any one else can see. But you know. It’s like a voyage to another world with this singular mind that has a companion. Yet the mind is expansive – how else could it create this false world?
In objectivity, the sense of the other stays. Here is my sibling. My other mind in which argues with me. In which neither really exist. Yet I listen to our banter – or is it their banter? Is it me that I’m agrueing with? Or am I watching the argument?
So I watch. Both subjectivity and objectivity. Who is who? Complain about this, yet in the same breath award the thought. Yes, this is a good idea – but don’t actually do it because it’s stupid. Wait, what?
I’m trapped in this confusion. This mind that thinks even know someone is reading this blog to plot against me – and I’m not talking about a sibling reading my diary, the paranoia goes beyond that. Like the police or CIA are reading my words to say yep she needs to be taken out. We can’t afford to let her talk. Or much more eccentric the aliens are reading it from the future saying yep she needs to die before she exposes the secrets.
I have secrets you see that only me and my sibling share. That I watch being talked about, but that I’m saying. Greater than myself these ideals come to me. Greater than any world or universe. There’s much more meaning than just a thought – it’s beyond the mind capablies – but how do you ask, can I think of it if minds can’t perceive it? Because i don’t exactly “think” it, but I do at the same time. It’s more than a thought.
And I don’t even know how that flowed to create a compete thought but that’s what I got.
This can be taken in a multitude of different ways, such as friends I would much more rather have QUALITY over quantity. Or materials, because I have not become attached to materials anymore I appreciate the things I do have much more even though there is less I feel more full. Take a moment and really feel what this could be speaking to you-you might need to lessen something in your life to make room for higher personal growth 🙂 ❤
I would wish you luck; but in truth I believe that is the energy you put into your positive thoughts that transform to positive actions that reflect positive karma that make our day good, so instead think happy thoughts today and every day of your life, even in bad situations bc your thoughts will change any perception.