“Do you love me?”

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“DO YOU LOVE ME?!?” I screamed into the phone, thousands of miles away. 

“Yes of course I do” his calm voice choking me. 

“Then why? Why didn’t you try?” I sobbed hanging my head between my legs. 

“I did try” he said. “Every time I called, I told you I loved you” 

“But you’re not here” I whimpered. 

“I am there, I’m with you” he took a deep breath in, “how can I forget you?” 

In an empty parking lot on the side of my car I sob. Alone, empty, helpless. Death can take me now. 

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There use to be…

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A time in my life where I would listen to this music over and over and over hopin it would stir something in me, courage maybe to get my cowardly self up and kill my self. I hated bein me, I hated having to wake up, feel the way I did atoneing for my actions daily. I hated my life in a way that was so simple it made sense to end it all. What was this purpose? My presence is only hurting things, the planet, life. Another mouth to feed, another person to take care of, another tax payer living to pay bills. As I put the gun to my head I just didn’t understand what was keeping us all here why do we have this “survival” gene encoded in us. What makes us fear? Why do we fear?  All I knew was that I needed to go. Not to a far away place where my troubles resided still but to another place of another time, of another field, another dimension.  

I had my pick of any gun I wanted- i just separated from my husband (he kicked me out of he house) I was living with my friends ex bf who was a gun collector – most fully loaded some illegal, sitting in this room I choose three. She and he both knew I had been baker acted twice once for suicide, yet they still put me in this room to live till the house we were going to live in was finished remodeling but I had no choice because I had no where else to go… the last time I went home to my family was the first suicide attempt. 

So it’s around midnight thumb on the trigger for a long while safety off ready, waiting, I thought “I have nothing to live for, what’s the point? I have nothing, I’ve done nothing,” and I felt worthless… Then it was like a light bulb came on with two things… One; I’d feel awful if they had to clean my blood stains off the wall and two; that’s my purpose; TO MAKE all those questions mean something and my stubbornness kicked in and I thought I’ll make my life worthwhile, I’ll make my life memorable, I’ll make it a point to live. I rebelled against myself. It wasn’t until later I found my way but it was a stepping stone and a promise, I was by no means “better” or happier, it didn’t make me feel any better but I put it down with intention, not cowardness. I put it down knowing the journey ahead could mean more than just paying bills, more than just getting by

But as I write this here now I see that the last 3 years so much has gotten in my way. And I allowed it. I could give it all up, move away. Never to return. But where’s the life responsibility? How do you tell your brain damaged mother I’m never coming back? Who’s life is in a bad situation… how can I let her life be bad why I try to make mine? So I continue on this path of guilt. 

Being pulled from reality pt 2

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Falling into the abyss. Darkness over takes me pulling the breath from my lips and sucking my lungs dry. Around me life is being drained from the living to give to the dead so they rise again. A cycle of unforgiving light. 

I fall with my back toward whatever direction I’m going – am I falling up? Everything seems to be getting smaller – but if I’m falling down maybe I’m looking up? It’s all dark anyways. Light dots and darkness dots begin to penetrate my eyes. I can only feel my body – falling falling into a never ending cycle. Never reaching terminal velosity. It just keeps on pulling me sucking the breath out of me, yet I still can breath – or am I? Have I died already? I feel my body, but the darkness is to dark to see if I’m actually still in it. 

Infinite darkness in each and every infinite piece of gathering darkness. But in that darkness light also exists. Between each dark spot there is a source of light. I need to fall into one of those. Smaller than an atom I have to fit or I perish. Would it matter if I did? So I turn towards what’s pulling me. A light. I see it. I dive. Straighten my legs and arms close into my body – but if there’s light why can’t I see my body? Never mind that, I need to focus. What does this light bring me? Why is it pulling me? I’ll fight to survive. 

I never get any closer but I’m still heading towards the light. Why do I not feel the sit being pushed around me? How do I know that I’m falling? 

Misunderstandings 

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I don’t understand why I get into these moods. I clam shut and if someone were to say something I’d blow up on them or want to hurt myself. It’s like I hate living. But really what is motivation? Motivation to live or to die? You can be motivated to die… it’s super easy though, and humans like to complicate things. I could die..

It’s like my views and perceptions get completely turned upside down. Maybe because I can understand and accept so many others points of view that I have no idea what is my own… but really, my own isn’t worth anything but another’s opinion. If your opinion doesn’t matter then why should mine? 

I feel so helpless, no one can help me because everything anyone says I understand and accept but I don’t allow it to seep inside me. I don’t allow it to penetrate. Like in self defense, I use their words against them… I know how to turn things around, I know how to make nonsense make sense. 

I just don’t understand the point of life when all there is is death, destruction and chaos. Yes there’s love, but not the pure true love. No one can honestly say “I love you unconditionally,” then there’s the: “except if you cheat… then I won’t love you anymore” okay there’s a condiontion. Or “I’ll love you unconditionally, except if you don’t answer me for weeks” there’s a condition. Unconditional love does not exist on this plane, only through this plane. It can’t survive in our minds, because our minds can’t perceive it. So what happens when you do perceive it, -like a near death experience – then come back to reality? Then what? Oh right there’s me… I didn’t have a near death experience, however I was there I felt it, and now again, I’m stuck here on this plane in hell. In this body, in this life. The point is mute. 

Being Pulled From Reality

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Time seems to be speeding up as I will soon face plant into a brick wall, then continue on through it. It feels like falling but without reaching terminal velosity.

When you fall normally, it feels as though you are leaving the place in which you stood. You’re being separated from the stable ground to the dyer attempts to stand again. You fall to your side with a heavy head to plunge face forward. You normally don’t feel the pull of the gravity that pulls you from where you stood. You think of loosing your balance and simply falling fretfully but here I was pulled from stability. 

A while ago when I lived on the west coast of USA, I turned into someone I fear to this day. A woman that didn’t take life seriously, who would rather die than to face reality. 

As the moon rose in the sky and her face pressed against the push of wind from the rawring ocean, her tears went dry as did her mind. Numb and alone. Hair follicules stood at attention to the push off the winter wind.  Waves crashed onto the beach and surrounding rocks; she stepped forward. Her mind blank and focused, she smelled the salty condensed air of the Pacific Ocean, the moonlight tinkling the waves as they ricocheted off the large rocks, she continued forward. Into the freezing ocean she walked, she felt her boots fill up with thickening desire. Initializing shock from the water, her body made the attempt to stay warm and shiver but her mind refused to shake. Like the sinking titanic, water began to rise with no possible outlet. Her mind was her sinking ship, why not have a body to fit? 

Unsteadily she tripped over coral reefs towards the towering rocks filling her jacket with a salty calm, her eyes fixed on the Boulder ahead. With her feet numb, she forced herself up on the neighboring boulder. She rose out of the sea while the tide came in violently crashing onto her rock. The darkness did not show her the space between the rock and her target boulder and she slipped between them. Her throat filling with ocean and the waves pouring on top of her. She grasped for the rock and slowly climbed. The cold rock stealing the little warmth from her body through her hands, she reached the top. Shivering from the short journey she looked down around her at the waves growing to pull her into their home. To make her one with the sea at last. They cheered for her bravery, the ocean audience grew louder as her decision was made final. 

She closed her eyes and swayed with the wind remembering all her desires scuba diving to be one with the sea. She smiled at those memories to be put to sleep. Even more memories came penetrating her thoughts of warmth with clouded skies and black cold. She quickly opened her eyes yet the darkness sourrounded her. That darkness of cold and of skies. The numbing darkness she felt when she began.

She looked out past the crashing waves onto the horizon where calm overtook her. She paused and for the first time felt relief. Beyond the crashing of the waves and the push of violent, cold winds, she saw peace. She saw a glimmer of hope. But again looking down the waves calling to her; just one step they said as they sprayed there cold welcoming onto her face. Just one slip and you’ll be home. 
She looked out again now conflicted with hope and desire. A hope for calm, and a desire for a peaceful end. But how peaceful would that end be? Being pushed into rocks until she fell unconscious only to wake up to her choking on her decision to go down with no way out – a divers worse fear. She turned for the first time and looked back toward the beach. Her stomach was uneasy. Her boots squished as she adjusted her weight from one foot to the other, a cold shiver went up her spine. She closed her eyes tight. She had lost her mind. 

Failure

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I’m a failure. No doubt. I went home. I didn’t stay. I dream of things that only normal people can have. I have relapsed into my ED and cutting. My family allows me to live here but are unsupportive and drunks. I wanna drink and drown everything out but I cut and not eat instead. But when I do allow myself to drink one day I’m going to get hammered I bet… So I just don’t drink unless it’s a glass of wine.

I dream of doing normal things, like having a family or kids, but I know that it’s improbable bc of my disorder. I can’t live with myself and I can’t with without anyone. But I can’t live with anyone without being able to love myself. So here I am alone and helpless… Suicidial again. How do I go to work and put a smile on when I have this hate inside myself? I just want it to be over… What’s the point of living if living is a prison in my mind? And no one can fix it but me and I don’t know how. I have no control over anything and I’m finding it hard to get out of bed again. I hate myself.

I just want to curl up in a ball and stare into nothingness. I can’t shake this funk. But when I have I ever been able to? Even when I was there I probably was just putting on a face to make it happy. But I can’t do it on my own. I can’t be happy on my own. Idk how. I’m stuck in this awful world inside my head that no one loves me, but I can’t live unless someone loves me… So it’s a conundrum of wanting love that I don’t believe is there…

Should I wait? Will I ever get better?

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I know in my last blog I wrote all kinds of positive things but after my best friend got a bf, my husband (soon to be ex ) left for 3 weeks, I got into a fight with my family I just can’t handle this life. Yes I’m suicidal but I don’t have a safe place for my dogs. No one will be here for another 3 weeks they can’t live without someone to feed and water them. I’m debating on taking them to my moms but that’s a large burden for her be she is handicapped… 2 large over active dogs are hard as it is on a normal person. I just don’t know what to do with my life right now. No one is hiring me, I have No support. I know I should be strong on my own but I have nothing left in me to fight this. I’m going down

So the question is should I wait for these feelings to pass? Will they ever pass because I feel the same way I did on the night of my last attempt. I’m trying to do the right thing but is it the right thing for people who love me (family and the very few friends I have) but I don’t feel like they truly do, if they did why don’t I feel like I can call them right now? Why is it so hard for me to love myself? I can see what it might be like but I just can’t get there. Will I ever get there? Will I ever feel love enough for myself from myself to be loved by some else?

I can’t even watch movies or read a book to get my mind off of it because they have friends or family or they’re strong in their journey. I feel so pathetic, like a stupid failure. I know it says failure is success on the way. But I just can’t see myself ever succeeding I can’t even imagine it… I will still feel this way even when I do succeed at something because I still don’t love myself. I have no self-respect…

And I hate myself for feeling this way because I should be stronger…