Misunderstandings 

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I don’t understand why I get into these moods. I clam shut and if someone were to say something I’d blow up on them or want to hurt myself. It’s like I hate living. But really what is motivation? Motivation to live or to die? You can be motivated to die… it’s super easy though, and humans like to complicate things. I could die..

It’s like my views and perceptions get completely turned upside down. Maybe because I can understand and accept so many others points of view that I have no idea what is my own… but really, my own isn’t worth anything but another’s opinion. If your opinion doesn’t matter then why should mine? 

I feel so helpless, no one can help me because everything anyone says I understand and accept but I don’t allow it to seep inside me. I don’t allow it to penetrate. Like in self defense, I use their words against them… I know how to turn things around, I know how to make nonsense make sense. 

I just don’t understand the point of life when all there is is death, destruction and chaos. Yes there’s love, but not the pure true love. No one can honestly say “I love you unconditionally,” then there’s the: “except if you cheat… then I won’t love you anymore” okay there’s a condiontion. Or “I’ll love you unconditionally, except if you don’t answer me for weeks” there’s a condition. Unconditional love does not exist on this plane, only through this plane. It can’t survive in our minds, because our minds can’t perceive it. So what happens when you do perceive it, -like a near death experience – then come back to reality? Then what? Oh right there’s me… I didn’t have a near death experience, however I was there I felt it, and now again, I’m stuck here on this plane in hell. In this body, in this life. The point is mute. 

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Not there

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It’s always always always when you need someone the most they’re unavailable to help you. Even if they are laying right beside you. The heart ache of trying to be there for someone and not fully being there when they need you or when you need them – but really who really needs them anyways? What’s the fucking point of all this when there really is nothing? 

The turtle and the golden yolk almost got me. Time is relative yes? So in another universe a blind turtle lives in the sea and there’s a golden yolk for an ox. And every 100,000 years the blind turtle surfaces. If his head pokes through the golden yolk – a human is born. Well Reality Il y speaking yes that’s a long time for the turtle but not for us. Because humans are being born all over the place. No one is special or unique because guess what? We all bleed red and we all die. I kind of feel like I’m not going to get that “ah ha” moment because im the ultimate. The ultimate thinker. The ultimatum- death. 

You see, everything will eventually in this deminsion parrish into nothing. Our “spirit” lives on to what? Nothingness. What’s the point of living when we are dying? Would I be more happy if I found out I was living forever? Let me check into that…