WOW! ! what a Transformation!

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SO It has been a long while since I have written in my blog. I have been on this incredible journey to bettering myself spiritually, I can say I have “recovered” from my ED. Although the thoughts still plague me they have no control. They are people who make comments but I try my best to ignore them. I love myself for who I am and what I have done. I live better in the moment. I am learning everyday to love myself and to be here for others. I’ve been through so much and now I want to help others. I can say for the last 5 months I have had TRUE growth within myself and I am happy to be alive!

As these thoughts wash through my mind all I do is allow them to pass, and as I have gained weight and it does “hurt” my pride, I have to also let that go. My ego and my pride can hurt me.

It’s not all fun and games all the time, I still struggle but I do not struggle as much, and through my struggles I grow. The best way to deal with mistakes is to learn from them and not do it again. I am still learning this to.

I have found an amazing family through networking and it has helped me grow even more. I try to meditate everyday. I believe in a previous post I posted that I was going to start mediation in attempts to alleviate my anxiety and depression, well its worked. I also have read many books on my journey through meditation. I now believe in the Oneness within the world and I am living each day.

Lately I have been going through a “weird” time. I know its growth I just haven’t figured it out yet so it’s taxing. I’ve learned so much and it’s hard to absorb it all at once. HAHA!

Some books I have read to help me grow, but in spirit and in mental health.

The 4 Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz (plus the Voice of knowledge, and the 5th agreement and the mastery of love)

Zen Mind Beginnners mind.

The 3 Pillars of zen

Osho books – all of them are good but I am currently reading Love Freedom Aloneness.

I am also reading abook on mindfulness.

I turned vegan as well in support of my “Be the Change in the world you want to see” Giving up food wasn’t the hard part it’s the realization to the fact of what we are doing to the planet, animals and life on earth- it’s destroying us!

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Progress

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So I may not be meditating everyday or even once a week, but somehow I am off my meds. When my husband admitted me again because he “didn’t know what to do” and I was “out of his boundaries” with the help I needed he sent me away to the hospital. This is not who I seek to find comfort in. We are to leave and separate our lives. He has given up on us, on me… Which I guess should have been expected because this is what all men do to me. My father, my boyfriends, my friends, and now my husband. This is the time for me to regain my self-worth. I am done with giving people me and leaving none of me for myself. It is time for me to stop all of this. For three days I lay in bed sleeping not eating or drinking to get off my meds. For 8 days I was dizzy and couldn’t focus.

I am mad with grief, I know not how to handle such a feeling. All my life I have grieved in denial and in hate. This time I battle myself to forget it all together. I do not need the 5 steps if the grieving process if I learn to love myself and just forgive. But that is what is the strongest is my self-hate. It’s pathetic and pitiful but I need to reminds self that I can not help anyone if I can’t help myself. I need to learn that loving myself is more important in my life than loving another. Because how can I love another if I have no room to love myself? I have been reading about my problem…

Screw the meds, screw the doctors, I’m done with falling into my own diagnoses if this BPD… I can control what it is that I fear… What it is that I feel. The chemical imbalance in my brain makes it harder, but I must continue. My days are long and my heart hurts, but I must make it through.

I cry when I least expect and I fail when I feel the strongest. But persistence will get me through, I must not give up even when I fail.

I’m trying to find a job to get on my own feet and I’m planning on going back to school in the spring. Please wish me luck. This is going to be a battle for me. I will have no one person to hold on to, no one by my side to help me. No meds to calm me. This will be me and my natural form, my natural, Creator-given life. I must do it to know that I can, to know that I strong. I am weak and fragile now. I must stick to my plan, remember my goals daily and be kind to myself.