Beyond the Moment

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Here in my world, I live in a fantasy surrounded by non-fiction that’s created a time in which I am and made room for the space in which I take. I grew into this space. From a sperm and egg to the giant being. Breathing and cycling into this world of what may or may not even exist. A life in which I no longer truly belong. A life where my mind enters a state of “becoming”. A life where governmental teachings have become living instead of being alive.

In this moment all is, and all ever will, but time slows it down and makes us perceive what isn’t more than one big explosion. We are that a snap shoot of what will never exist. A photograph of the universe’s play-out. Beyond this there is everything our minds can not perceive. And incase you’re wondering, you can not think it, because if you can think it; it is. What I’m talking about it beyond what we could even fathom. And it’s so complex it doesn’t exist, and it doesn’t exist because I can think it. The very existence of the thought of nothing makes it something.

So what is it?

We are so caught up in the trends or fashion or social media we forget that life happens beyond our puny little selfs. Someone asked me today where they might find some cute boutique clothes; first of all, I have no idea what “boutique” clothes are and secondly just because I’m a girl doesn’t mean I have a fashion sense: because I have ZERO style. I don’t understand jewelry unless there’s a meaning behind wearing it. I mean what’s the point of buying expensive jewelry if it’s just for looks. How do you benefit from that other than spending your money? And that isn’t even benefiting!!! Honestly, our priorities are so out of whack it’s ridiculous.

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Dreams vs Reality. 

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It’s is possible that dreams overlap reality? As I drove my car a dream took over all the senses and it was like I was living the dream while I drove but it was my “reality” I know I’m awake… right? I mean as I type this I’m in “my reality” and it was here that my dream overlapped. It’s not the first time it’s happened i just never knew how to explain it till now. It’s not dejavú – it’s not that it happened before, but a man was in my dream was a truck in my reality, a stop sign a door… it overlapped I knew what both were there was definite distinction between the two. 

I have a theory/viewpoint on how this “reality” is. It’s close to Mayans and Shamans and how we live in a dream. Everything that happens happenes within, everything I experience is because of the perception that it’s exists – but just like a dream it’s “not real ” but it is at the same time. Like non-duality. Something can’t exist without the other but nothing exists at the same time. I believe in string theory too where everything is connected in energy. If I move my arm I pull on someone else string across the universe. I have that much of an affect. But in another plane it’s not real, but it is. 

So anyway as my dreams overlap with reality I find myself having trouble understanding life… what is the point? As I view space we are so minute yet here we are worried about our hair or what clothes we wear. We are so bound by our own gravity we can’t look up to see the stars. 

There use to be…

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A time in my life where I would listen to this music over and over and over hopin it would stir something in me, courage maybe to get my cowardly self up and kill my self. I hated bein me, I hated having to wake up, feel the way I did atoneing for my actions daily. I hated my life in a way that was so simple it made sense to end it all. What was this purpose? My presence is only hurting things, the planet, life. Another mouth to feed, another person to take care of, another tax payer living to pay bills. As I put the gun to my head I just didn’t understand what was keeping us all here why do we have this “survival” gene encoded in us. What makes us fear? Why do we fear?  All I knew was that I needed to go. Not to a far away place where my troubles resided still but to another place of another time, of another field, another dimension.  

I had my pick of any gun I wanted- i just separated from my husband (he kicked me out of he house) I was living with my friends ex bf who was a gun collector – most fully loaded some illegal, sitting in this room I choose three. She and he both knew I had been baker acted twice once for suicide, yet they still put me in this room to live till the house we were going to live in was finished remodeling but I had no choice because I had no where else to go… the last time I went home to my family was the first suicide attempt. 

So it’s around midnight thumb on the trigger for a long while safety off ready, waiting, I thought “I have nothing to live for, what’s the point? I have nothing, I’ve done nothing,” and I felt worthless… Then it was like a light bulb came on with two things… One; I’d feel awful if they had to clean my blood stains off the wall and two; that’s my purpose; TO MAKE all those questions mean something and my stubbornness kicked in and I thought I’ll make my life worthwhile, I’ll make my life memorable, I’ll make it a point to live. I rebelled against myself. It wasn’t until later I found my way but it was a stepping stone and a promise, I was by no means “better” or happier, it didn’t make me feel any better but I put it down with intention, not cowardness. I put it down knowing the journey ahead could mean more than just paying bills, more than just getting by

But as I write this here now I see that the last 3 years so much has gotten in my way. And I allowed it. I could give it all up, move away. Never to return. But where’s the life responsibility? How do you tell your brain damaged mother I’m never coming back? Who’s life is in a bad situation… how can I let her life be bad why I try to make mine? So I continue on this path of guilt. 

Who to Look to

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Life has shown me a new way to look at myself. I continuously look at others and what others are doing how they act, how they think, why they do things, their motivations, but I never seem to look at my own. During this new journey I have realized that I need to be within my own body, within my own mind. I need to stop focusing on the outside, whether it be my mind, body, or spirit – I need to look inside and stop my outer thoughts.

Once I begin to think about someone else I need to redirect my thoughts – what they do has no affect on me unless I allow it. I create this worry, or this distraction from myself because I allow it. I’m not “in-tune” with myself because I’m not allowing it.

I’ve been better the last few days with listening to when I’m hungry and when I’m full. I’ve felt better, and I’ve felt more confident. I wore a tank top to the gym (which I can hardly ever do). But if I can’t love my body now, how can I love it when I reach my goal weight? or “desired body” if I can’t love it now, then I won’t be able to ever accomplish a desired body. I want to be fit and lean. I want to be flexible and graceful.

All this is within me, not someone else. I need to look up to the person I can be, not a different person altogether.

I continuously look up to my higher self.

I am a better person than I was yesterday.

I am happy, healthy and free from holding myself back.

I let life flow through me.

 

The Full Moon and Crazy Awesome Dream

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So this weekend is supposed to be when the moon is the closest to the earth, and it’s supposed to be a visionary, healing moon. I have to go outside and meditate when this moon arrives. I need to be there to see if I get a vision, or if it brings up any hidden secrets, or if it shows me something. It could possibly heal my mental aliments and guide me to some where new. Speaking of guiding, I had a dream last night of what I believe it to be a Phoenix, and according to Dreammoods.com it represents, transformation, immortality and renewal. You are moving toward a new phase in your life. It may also mean that your past continues to haunt you.

What was amazing is the pheonix was an AMAZING light blue color and according to dreammoods.com; The presence of this color in your dream may symbolize your spiritual guide and your optimism of the future.

When I looked up to see if there was a real bird like this I found the near-threatened and uncommon Resplendent Quetzal, which has a picture attached. from http://www.besgroup.org/2014/03/28/resplendent-quetazal-pharomachrus-mocinno/

When you look up what they mean, they were known for goodness, light and by the Maya, guides. So either way, I saw my spirit guide last night in my dream. Wow, talk about amazing. I wonder if the full moon has already began to show me what I need to see and give me direction to where I need to go and who I need to be.

Ever since I started school I have never felt more in the right pace as I do now. I’ve been to 4 different colleges and tried many things in life, but nothing ever stood out or made me feel like “this is it” but now I feel like “THIS IS IT”! ! ! ! I also met some one new. I didn’t think I would be able to date someone again for a long time, given the divorce and the old bf… I needed to work on myself but here I am, with this new found guide, this feeling of being exactly where I need to be and finding my way, even if it is small steps to greatness.

Less IS More

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This can be taken in a multitude of different ways, such as friends I would much more rather have QUALITY over quantity. Or materials, because I have not become attached to materials anymore I appreciate the things I do have much more even though there is less I feel more full. Take a moment and really feel what this could be speaking to you-you might need to lessen something in your life to make room for higher personal growth 🙂 ❤

I would wish you luck; but in truth I believe that is the energy you put into your positive thoughts that transform to positive actions that reflect positive karma that make our day good, so instead think happy thoughts today and every day of your life, even in bad situations bc your thoughts will change any perception.

Be Honest with Yourself – who wants to get better?

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I keep wondering why I pull this card? What am I not being honest with? I thought that maybe my ED progression has been bc of my liking to this guy, but it’s not – it’s me. It’s an excuse. I’m being false; I’m afraid to get better. If i get better, TRUELY better, I won’t care how fat I get – or I’ll loose my control (aka my control through ED) I want to log into my ed website so bad. I mean of course I’ll be “healthy” heck there’s a chance I’ll be more fit and healthier than I am now, but there’s is another chance I will get fatter. That’s what I’m lying to myself about.

Not loving myself I am comfortable because it’s what I know. It’s what I’m use to. It’s my safety bubble – hating myself is easy.

I thought it was bc I was jealous of his ex bc of her supermodel body – nope I’m afraid of getting better. I’m afraid of loosing my control and finding the right light to walk in. Yea I can fake it till I make it but I’m already spiraling down and I’ve been falling into my ED habits. I need to gain control through another way. I can’t run bc I have severe blisters. I need new shoes that I can’t afford.

I have to stop these bad habits! I have to love myself and GET BETTER! Soon loving myself will be easier. – impeccable words – the first agreement!

Zen Mind – never expect an achievement because you will never gain a TRUE achievement that way.