“Do you love me?”

Standard

“DO YOU LOVE ME?!?” I screamed into the phone, thousands of miles away. 

“Yes of course I do” his calm voice choking me. 

“Then why? Why didn’t you try?” I sobbed hanging my head between my legs. 

“I did try” he said. “Every time I called, I told you I loved you” 

“But you’re not here” I whimpered. 

“I am there, I’m with you” he took a deep breath in, “how can I forget you?” 

In an empty parking lot on the side of my car I sob. Alone, empty, helpless. Death can take me now. 

Advertisements

Dreams vs Reality. 

Standard

It’s is possible that dreams overlap reality? As I drove my car a dream took over all the senses and it was like I was living the dream while I drove but it was my “reality” I know I’m awake… right? I mean as I type this I’m in “my reality” and it was here that my dream overlapped. It’s not the first time it’s happened i just never knew how to explain it till now. It’s not dejavú – it’s not that it happened before, but a man was in my dream was a truck in my reality, a stop sign a door… it overlapped I knew what both were there was definite distinction between the two. 

I have a theory/viewpoint on how this “reality” is. It’s close to Mayans and Shamans and how we live in a dream. Everything that happens happenes within, everything I experience is because of the perception that it’s exists – but just like a dream it’s “not real ” but it is at the same time. Like non-duality. Something can’t exist without the other but nothing exists at the same time. I believe in string theory too where everything is connected in energy. If I move my arm I pull on someone else string across the universe. I have that much of an affect. But in another plane it’s not real, but it is. 

So anyway as my dreams overlap with reality I find myself having trouble understanding life… what is the point? As I view space we are so minute yet here we are worried about our hair or what clothes we wear. We are so bound by our own gravity we can’t look up to see the stars. 

There use to be…

Standard

A time in my life where I would listen to this music over and over and over hopin it would stir something in me, courage maybe to get my cowardly self up and kill my self. I hated bein me, I hated having to wake up, feel the way I did atoneing for my actions daily. I hated my life in a way that was so simple it made sense to end it all. What was this purpose? My presence is only hurting things, the planet, life. Another mouth to feed, another person to take care of, another tax payer living to pay bills. As I put the gun to my head I just didn’t understand what was keeping us all here why do we have this “survival” gene encoded in us. What makes us fear? Why do we fear?  All I knew was that I needed to go. Not to a far away place where my troubles resided still but to another place of another time, of another field, another dimension.  

I had my pick of any gun I wanted- i just separated from my husband (he kicked me out of he house) I was living with my friends ex bf who was a gun collector – most fully loaded some illegal, sitting in this room I choose three. She and he both knew I had been baker acted twice once for suicide, yet they still put me in this room to live till the house we were going to live in was finished remodeling but I had no choice because I had no where else to go… the last time I went home to my family was the first suicide attempt. 

So it’s around midnight thumb on the trigger for a long while safety off ready, waiting, I thought “I have nothing to live for, what’s the point? I have nothing, I’ve done nothing,” and I felt worthless… Then it was like a light bulb came on with two things… One; I’d feel awful if they had to clean my blood stains off the wall and two; that’s my purpose; TO MAKE all those questions mean something and my stubbornness kicked in and I thought I’ll make my life worthwhile, I’ll make my life memorable, I’ll make it a point to live. I rebelled against myself. It wasn’t until later I found my way but it was a stepping stone and a promise, I was by no means “better” or happier, it didn’t make me feel any better but I put it down with intention, not cowardness. I put it down knowing the journey ahead could mean more than just paying bills, more than just getting by

But as I write this here now I see that the last 3 years so much has gotten in my way. And I allowed it. I could give it all up, move away. Never to return. But where’s the life responsibility? How do you tell your brain damaged mother I’m never coming back? Who’s life is in a bad situation… how can I let her life be bad why I try to make mine? So I continue on this path of guilt. 

Hope for me

Standard

SOOOOO just about everything has resurfaced. Sometimes in class, people will ignore me, everyone. I know that seems selfish and I try to just let it go but when it’s becoming more frequent and all the time. It’s hard to learn when I can’t ask questions to the teacher. I don’t talk a lot and my questions seem valid. IDK. thats one issue. Another thing that happened – my ex talked to me about how much he missed me and how he was wrong – we both were. we were both at fault. But this time he wanted to tell me how much I had made a difference in his life. how I encouraged him to go to school and I was super supportive and if it weren’t for me he wouldn’t have complete college. I’m unsure how to take that. and then someone called me about a program over the phone for people like me – depressed, coaching, life therapy – more stuff resurfaced. THEN someone calls me and tells me to say “don’t you dare go back down there. Don’t get pregnant you can’t handle that in your life right now, and you better not quite school, you need to complete something in your life… WOW OUCH! the next day I didn’t go to school – first day I’ve missed all year. Then I go to see my mom – shes brain damaged and can’t really think or function “normally” well she has to live with my aunt and grandfather, and they have been saying awful things to her – she doesn’t know any better, and she can’t help some of the things she does – why do they need to pick on her and push her down – wen she was talking to me I had to leave bc I started crying.

Then my bf and I were playing games together but my computer broke so I wasn’t able to play – I work 40 hours a week plus phone calls on nights and weekends and I go to school till 11 pm 3 days a week. Well one night when I get home from school, I say I’m tired and I would like to go to bed, he continues to play till midnight – I can’t sleep. I ask him to come to bed with me. He does but he doesn’t seem happy about it. I ask him if it’s okay he said yea, he’s just not tired – he falls asleep before me. I’m laying in bed awake – can’t sleep, can’t think straight. I just felt like I didn’t want to do this anymore. I just wanted to get up and leave right then. Say you know what – I was right I wasn’t ready for a relationship and just leave – but I didn’t want to make any rash decisions so I tried to talk it out with him – didn’t work so we just had sex and I was finally able to go to sleep.

I’ve been having weird awful dreams lately too… all this within the last 5 days…

I have been trying to read a new book that helps with being centered aware/present awareness/oneness. all that. and I’m trying to practice it. but last night just iced the cake and I wanted to just go far away. IDK where but just far.

Reminders

Standard

I have to keep reminding myself. I overcame alot. I can do this. I don’t need any more help besides my own. I can do this. When I feel like failing I have to remember that a knife won’t help me. Seeing my body won’t allow me to heal. It’s me wanting my insides outside. It’s a physical way to express something inside needs help. I need to reflect and allow whatever emotions out. I need to let myself be not afraid.

It’s because I’m afraid of the person I am inside. I’m a good person full of love and hope. Every time I’m conflicted I have to remember my life is reason enough to live. Life is my present to myself to heal my soul. Healing crisis.

I got a trager massage and did zero balancing…. I think I’m getting after effects of it. This healing crisis that follows wasn’t bad until 4 days later… Why is that? Did I loose my insight of reflection to give !myself? How can I allow myself and my inner emotions out? I need to find my way. I feel like what I’m doing is pointless… Like this life is pointless I don’t understand why I have to submit to others. I want to be as free as a molecule in outer space and be free floating. Always giving and combining with others to help a greater cause… I don’t feel like I’m contributing enough….

I don’t know really. Just this…

Med Change…. (POOR LANGUAGE – not grammar poor – but vulgar, well probably grammar too)

Standard

FML! THey changed my meds WHAT FUCKING FUCK WERE THEY THINKING?!?!?!?!? 100mg of Desyrel (Trazodone) for a 102 lb 22 yr old GIRL?!?!?!? I slept 16 hours a fucking day! AND I COULDN”T WAKE UP FROM MY DREAMS! ! ! ! so i’m trapped in my nightmares. FUCK YOU! I stopped taking all my meds except my Topamax, Xanax and Effexor THANK YOU!  I’ll take the paranoia and anxious thoughts over being lazy and groggy all the fucking time with the paranoia and anxiety STILL! I need to function to live! How am I supposed to “get better” if I’m so drugged out of my mind that I can barely walk to the bathroom in the morning?

Lets try herbal supplements like Passion FLower – to help with anxiety – so far – still shaking from anxiety but my mind feels a little better, so now I just have to chug aaaaabout mmmmm 4 gallons of tea a day and we’re good…..

B/P And PISSED the F****** OFF

Standard

it’s been 10 Days since I binged, I purged most of it, but ugh! I hate doing it… it was my husband bday and the family brought 4 CAKES! WHY!?!?!? THERE WERE ONLY 4 OF US HERE?!?!?!? I DONT GET IT!!!! AT least I only like one of them anyways I mean I didn’t eat THAT much but it was still too much for me… but ayway I was down to 103 but I’m scared to check the scale tomorrow… so I’m not going to till monday… sigh… disappointment here I come…

SO yesterday I go into CVS (drug store) to pick up my prescription from the pharmacy with my REGISTERED Emotional Support Dog, for my Depression (and now BPD) and I go to buy cigarettes as well. I ask “can I get a pack of cigarettes” the manager says “not with the dog you can’t” I say – and show my badge that is around my neck “Shes a regisered emotional support dog, i’m allowed to have her!” At this point i’m about to have a panic attack. and my husband is on the phone so I’m really stressed bc he can’t help me…. I’m freaking out my stomach, heart and mind drop to my feet, I’m about to loose alll hope for every thing I want to fall on the floor and let ants carry me to my grave.

finally he says “well as long as you keep her under control” I think no shit sherlock, shes a service dog shes supposed to be undercontrol. so after I leave I call customer support to report the incident to see if their employees are properly trained on ADA rules (American Disability Act).  the #1 rule they are NOT allowed to ask for Identification of you or your dog if they are or are not a service animal are long as they have some display that they are a working dog (she has a red tag on her harness) #2 they can not harass you or discriminate you IN ANY way bc you have a service animal.

But when I called they were out for the day so I’m going to try again on monday to tell them that their employee are not properly trained on ADA rules and regulations on service animals and that needs to change before someone other than me sues them for not properly taking care of their customers.

And I did have a anxiety attack when I got into the car BTW…. I got really pissed off at everyone… even my dog… then I started knitted and I felt better… how lame am I?