It’s is possible that dreams overlap reality? As I drove my car a dream took over all the senses and it was like I was living the dream while I drove but it was my “reality” I know I’m awake… right? I mean as I type this I’m in “my reality” and it was here that my dream overlapped. It’s not the first time it’s happened i just never knew how to explain it till now. It’s not dejavú – it’s not that it happened before, but a man was in my dream was a truck in my reality, a stop sign a door… it overlapped I knew what both were there was definite distinction between the two.
I have a theory/viewpoint on how this “reality” is. It’s close to Mayans and Shamans and how we live in a dream. Everything that happens happenes within, everything I experience is because of the perception that it’s exists – but just like a dream it’s “not real ” but it is at the same time. Like non-duality. Something can’t exist without the other but nothing exists at the same time. I believe in string theory too where everything is connected in energy. If I move my arm I pull on someone else string across the universe. I have that much of an affect. But in another plane it’s not real, but it is.
So anyway as my dreams overlap with reality I find myself having trouble understanding life… what is the point? As I view space we are so minute yet here we are worried about our hair or what clothes we wear. We are so bound by our own gravity we can’t look up to see the stars.
It’s like a little sibling that isn’t really there, at least that any one else can see. But you know. It’s like a voyage to another world with this singular mind that has a companion. Yet the mind is expansive – how else could it create this false world?
In objectivity, the sense of the other stays. Here is my sibling. My other mind in which argues with me. In which neither really exist. Yet I listen to our banter – or is it their banter? Is it me that I’m agrueing with? Or am I watching the argument?
So I watch. Both subjectivity and objectivity. Who is who? Complain about this, yet in the same breath award the thought. Yes, this is a good idea – but don’t actually do it because it’s stupid. Wait, what?
I’m trapped in this confusion. This mind that thinks even know someone is reading this blog to plot against me – and I’m not talking about a sibling reading my diary, the paranoia goes beyond that. Like the police or CIA are reading my words to say yep she needs to be taken out. We can’t afford to let her talk. Or much more eccentric the aliens are reading it from the future saying yep she needs to die before she exposes the secrets.
I have secrets you see that only me and my sibling share. That I watch being talked about, but that I’m saying. Greater than myself these ideals come to me. Greater than any world or universe. There’s much more meaning than just a thought – it’s beyond the mind capablies – but how do you ask, can I think of it if minds can’t perceive it? Because i don’t exactly “think” it, but I do at the same time. It’s more than a thought.
And I don’t even know how that flowed to create a compete thought but that’s what I got.
Okay so my husband came home to find that I was ready to walk out and cut myself and that I was ready to run away again, for the third time of our relationship. I was ready to run, to where IDK, to do what IDK, to live I don’t know how. But I was ready. Something kept me. He told me that I needed to read the book he got me from when I was first in the hospital. A Meditation Book. I picked it up and it said that I could use it to stop my anxiety, my depression, my lethargy and could turn it all around. Is that possible? I’m going to keep an open mind about it so please no negative comments because medication is 90% mental. If it does work we will see how long it last. I really want to go back to school and become a RN. it’s been my dream since I graduated honors in High school. so right now I’ll try whatever. I’ll keep everyone posted of course.
So Because of my severe mood swings due to my BPD when I swing one way then to the next it’s like I’m a completely different person and I will either regret or not ever say or do something on either spectrum. Right now I’m just lost. In order for me to tell you something you have to catch me in the moment of the mood for me to tell you what it is that you want to know. It’s not that I’m lying to you, it’s just that I’m not in the mood to tell you. SO now that I’m in the mood to tell you all of this and I am near a computer I will finally tell you. This goes for my therapist as well. She thinks I’m doing “better” Well let me tell you something MS! I AM most certainly NOT doing any better than I was doing. Yes I was happy at my last session because that was my mood. you never catch me in a sad, numb or depressed mood. regretfully I just started seeing you, but none-the-less you should not judge my “better-ness” souly on the fact that you saw me smile and that I talked to you.
You forget that I am smart. You must remember that the reason I tried committed suicide is because I am a believer in the philosopher Kierkegaard’s Existential Angst. Only because I have been told “It’s going to get better” so many damn times with no results and people always tell me they are there for me when no one is there when I need them most. Where were they the night I tried contacting them when I tried committing suicide? It’s not like I didn’t ask for a way out, I did. “Think positive” They say. “we’re here if you need us” they say. OF COURSE I FUCKING NEED YOU! ! ! ! thats why I FUCKING CALLED YOU!
BUT THE WORSE THING OF ALL! IS the worst fact that for the rest of my fucking miserable life I have to live with this. “You will get stronger” they say. Well you know what?!?!? I DONT WANT TO GET STRONGER! I want it to go away! I just want it go away…
I bet you think I’m crying. I’m not. I’ve lived with this long enough that I’m not crying and I’m not even a bit sad. However I do want to go cut my wrists until they fill the tub with my blood… but alas I am with my husband and I shall take my meds like a good girl and I shall not. Because I am going to “get stronger” as they say. SIGH!