There use to be…

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A time in my life where I would listen to this music over and over and over hopin it would stir something in me, courage maybe to get my cowardly self up and kill my self. I hated bein me, I hated having to wake up, feel the way I did atoneing for my actions daily. I hated my life in a way that was so simple it made sense to end it all. What was this purpose? My presence is only hurting things, the planet, life. Another mouth to feed, another person to take care of, another tax payer living to pay bills. As I put the gun to my head I just didn’t understand what was keeping us all here why do we have this “survival” gene encoded in us. What makes us fear? Why do we fear?  All I knew was that I needed to go. Not to a far away place where my troubles resided still but to another place of another time, of another field, another dimension.  

I had my pick of any gun I wanted- i just separated from my husband (he kicked me out of he house) I was living with my friends ex bf who was a gun collector – most fully loaded some illegal, sitting in this room I choose three. She and he both knew I had been baker acted twice once for suicide, yet they still put me in this room to live till the house we were going to live in was finished remodeling but I had no choice because I had no where else to go… the last time I went home to my family was the first suicide attempt. 

So it’s around midnight thumb on the trigger for a long while safety off ready, waiting, I thought “I have nothing to live for, what’s the point? I have nothing, I’ve done nothing,” and I felt worthless… Then it was like a light bulb came on with two things… One; I’d feel awful if they had to clean my blood stains off the wall and two; that’s my purpose; TO MAKE all those questions mean something and my stubbornness kicked in and I thought I’ll make my life worthwhile, I’ll make my life memorable, I’ll make it a point to live. I rebelled against myself. It wasn’t until later I found my way but it was a stepping stone and a promise, I was by no means “better” or happier, it didn’t make me feel any better but I put it down with intention, not cowardness. I put it down knowing the journey ahead could mean more than just paying bills, more than just getting by

But as I write this here now I see that the last 3 years so much has gotten in my way. And I allowed it. I could give it all up, move away. Never to return. But where’s the life responsibility? How do you tell your brain damaged mother I’m never coming back? Who’s life is in a bad situation… how can I let her life be bad why I try to make mine? So I continue on this path of guilt. 

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Who to Look to

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Life has shown me a new way to look at myself. I continuously look at others and what others are doing how they act, how they think, why they do things, their motivations, but I never seem to look at my own. During this new journey I have realized that I need to be within my own body, within my own mind. I need to stop focusing on the outside, whether it be my mind, body, or spirit – I need to look inside and stop my outer thoughts.

Once I begin to think about someone else I need to redirect my thoughts – what they do has no affect on me unless I allow it. I create this worry, or this distraction from myself because I allow it. I’m not “in-tune” with myself because I’m not allowing it.

I’ve been better the last few days with listening to when I’m hungry and when I’m full. I’ve felt better, and I’ve felt more confident. I wore a tank top to the gym (which I can hardly ever do). But if I can’t love my body now, how can I love it when I reach my goal weight? or “desired body” if I can’t love it now, then I won’t be able to ever accomplish a desired body. I want to be fit and lean. I want to be flexible and graceful.

All this is within me, not someone else. I need to look up to the person I can be, not a different person altogether.

I continuously look up to my higher self.

I am a better person than I was yesterday.

I am happy, healthy and free from holding myself back.

I let life flow through me.

 

My ME journey

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So I started taking care of number one- me! The first thing is positive words, saying what you want has an effect on how you react. Every action has a reaction so if I say “I hope” instead of “I will” then I’m leaving room for failure. So first things first! I will become more intune with ME and I will succeed! Even if there is a bad day, I will continue to improve and set my life straight! No more negativity!

I got into a fight with the ex today but instead of hurting and yelling at him, I allowed myself to experience these emotions of hurt and pain and I understood that he too has pain hurt jealously etc. so instead of making it worse for Me I allowed myself to just let the hurt fill my lower body with fire and I let it go. Through out the whole conversation while he was angry with me, I continued to release this energy from the fire pit in my stomach and I just “was”. This fight/conversation I knew would end and I will continue to live while he would dwell and I felt sorry for him. What was done was done and I wasn’t going to go back to a relationship of ups and downs. I’m in it for me and thats what I’m doing.

Since this experience of realization- yesterday- I have been happy about everything. I met the most amazing person who taught me so much about how I need to do this and he has had amazing success with his. So I’m am “being” here in this moment right now as I write you at this coffee shop, I have no money, my phone and debit card was stolen I’m in large amounts of debt but I’m here and I’m enjoying writing to possibly be some help to someone somewhere. I will think about those problems, but it’s only a thing an action that I must do at some point. And I’m not doing it now – so why think about it other than tell you what I’m doing to help myself. I didn’t buy a smart phone, I bought an old flip phone. Why bother and waste my time on needless things that make me worry and waste my time. Yea people can post wonderful stuff but how does that help me when nothing is helpful to ME?!?

I will continue to live in this moment and I will enjoy my time here. I refuse to spend my time on useless things.