There use to be…

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A time in my life where I would listen to this music over and over and over hopin it would stir something in me, courage maybe to get my cowardly self up and kill my self. I hated bein me, I hated having to wake up, feel the way I did atoneing for my actions daily. I hated my life in a way that was so simple it made sense to end it all. What was this purpose? My presence is only hurting things, the planet, life. Another mouth to feed, another person to take care of, another tax payer living to pay bills. As I put the gun to my head I just didn’t understand what was keeping us all here why do we have this “survival” gene encoded in us. What makes us fear? Why do we fear?  All I knew was that I needed to go. Not to a far away place where my troubles resided still but to another place of another time, of another field, another dimension.  

I had my pick of any gun I wanted- i just separated from my husband (he kicked me out of he house) I was living with my friends ex bf who was a gun collector – most fully loaded some illegal, sitting in this room I choose three. She and he both knew I had been baker acted twice once for suicide, yet they still put me in this room to live till the house we were going to live in was finished remodeling but I had no choice because I had no where else to go… the last time I went home to my family was the first suicide attempt. 

So it’s around midnight thumb on the trigger for a long while safety off ready, waiting, I thought “I have nothing to live for, what’s the point? I have nothing, I’ve done nothing,” and I felt worthless… Then it was like a light bulb came on with two things… One; I’d feel awful if they had to clean my blood stains off the wall and two; that’s my purpose; TO MAKE all those questions mean something and my stubbornness kicked in and I thought I’ll make my life worthwhile, I’ll make my life memorable, I’ll make it a point to live. I rebelled against myself. It wasn’t until later I found my way but it was a stepping stone and a promise, I was by no means “better” or happier, it didn’t make me feel any better but I put it down with intention, not cowardness. I put it down knowing the journey ahead could mean more than just paying bills, more than just getting by

But as I write this here now I see that the last 3 years so much has gotten in my way. And I allowed it. I could give it all up, move away. Never to return. But where’s the life responsibility? How do you tell your brain damaged mother I’m never coming back? Who’s life is in a bad situation… how can I let her life be bad why I try to make mine? So I continue on this path of guilt. 

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Less IS More

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This can be taken in a multitude of different ways, such as friends I would much more rather have QUALITY over quantity. Or materials, because I have not become attached to materials anymore I appreciate the things I do have much more even though there is less I feel more full. Take a moment and really feel what this could be speaking to you-you might need to lessen something in your life to make room for higher personal growth 🙂 ❤

I would wish you luck; but in truth I believe that is the energy you put into your positive thoughts that transform to positive actions that reflect positive karma that make our day good, so instead think happy thoughts today and every day of your life, even in bad situations bc your thoughts will change any perception.

Be Honest with Yourself – who wants to get better?

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I keep wondering why I pull this card? What am I not being honest with? I thought that maybe my ED progression has been bc of my liking to this guy, but it’s not – it’s me. It’s an excuse. I’m being false; I’m afraid to get better. If i get better, TRUELY better, I won’t care how fat I get – or I’ll loose my control (aka my control through ED) I want to log into my ed website so bad. I mean of course I’ll be “healthy” heck there’s a chance I’ll be more fit and healthier than I am now, but there’s is another chance I will get fatter. That’s what I’m lying to myself about.

Not loving myself I am comfortable because it’s what I know. It’s what I’m use to. It’s my safety bubble – hating myself is easy.

I thought it was bc I was jealous of his ex bc of her supermodel body – nope I’m afraid of getting better. I’m afraid of loosing my control and finding the right light to walk in. Yea I can fake it till I make it but I’m already spiraling down and I’ve been falling into my ED habits. I need to gain control through another way. I can’t run bc I have severe blisters. I need new shoes that I can’t afford.

I have to stop these bad habits! I have to love myself and GET BETTER! Soon loving myself will be easier. – impeccable words – the first agreement!

Zen Mind – never expect an achievement because you will never gain a TRUE achievement that way.

Stand up for yourself!

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“Always remember, your focus determines your reality” -George Lucas

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So negativity is huge in our society, and we are faced with the challenge to either be negative with the people or turn the other way and bring happiness to ourselves.

Last night I tried to help my friend who was having a bad day but he shunned me bc he’s negativity was just so strong. It was hard to look at him the rest if the night. Then he said mean things to me bc of his bad night. He tried projecting his bad/negative energy onto me bc I was trying to smile all night even with blisters on my feet. (I work in a restaurant). But he kept trying to pull me down with him. Eventually I just stopped talking to him but unfortunately he is my good friend and he needed a ride home after work. So I took him home, the negativity continued, I never told him my feelings which is something I should have done bc now I let my inner child know that I didn’t stand up for myself which sends me the unconscious thought that I don’t love myself enough to tell him how I felt. Standing up for yourself even if it’s with family, good friends, or strangers is very important. By the end of the night, I gave him a hug. He then apologized bc he knows I’m having a hard time to – but it didn’t stop the negativity which makes me wonder if he really meant his apology? Probably not – it was just a customary gesture.

Stand up for your inner child and respect yourself through words, actions and thoughts! Don’t allow outsiders to bring you down, only you are able to control your positivity starting with your thoughts.

When I got home I meditated. It was a rough one bc of all the emotions I was feeling, but I tried as best as I could. I just needed “to be”. After I meditated I got a strong urge to draw (it’s been months) and I started sketching all the forms of energy, solar, wind and next on the page will be water. Focus on the elements of the earth to help find balance in your spirit.

Remember to love yourself and others, but number 1 is most important. Fill your own cup then move on to others.

Love ME journey!

My ME journey

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So I started taking care of number one- me! The first thing is positive words, saying what you want has an effect on how you react. Every action has a reaction so if I say “I hope” instead of “I will” then I’m leaving room for failure. So first things first! I will become more intune with ME and I will succeed! Even if there is a bad day, I will continue to improve and set my life straight! No more negativity!

I got into a fight with the ex today but instead of hurting and yelling at him, I allowed myself to experience these emotions of hurt and pain and I understood that he too has pain hurt jealously etc. so instead of making it worse for Me I allowed myself to just let the hurt fill my lower body with fire and I let it go. Through out the whole conversation while he was angry with me, I continued to release this energy from the fire pit in my stomach and I just “was”. This fight/conversation I knew would end and I will continue to live while he would dwell and I felt sorry for him. What was done was done and I wasn’t going to go back to a relationship of ups and downs. I’m in it for me and thats what I’m doing.

Since this experience of realization- yesterday- I have been happy about everything. I met the most amazing person who taught me so much about how I need to do this and he has had amazing success with his. So I’m am “being” here in this moment right now as I write you at this coffee shop, I have no money, my phone and debit card was stolen I’m in large amounts of debt but I’m here and I’m enjoying writing to possibly be some help to someone somewhere. I will think about those problems, but it’s only a thing an action that I must do at some point. And I’m not doing it now – so why think about it other than tell you what I’m doing to help myself. I didn’t buy a smart phone, I bought an old flip phone. Why bother and waste my time on needless things that make me worry and waste my time. Yea people can post wonderful stuff but how does that help me when nothing is helpful to ME?!?

I will continue to live in this moment and I will enjoy my time here. I refuse to spend my time on useless things.