There use to be…

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A time in my life where I would listen to this music over and over and over hopin it would stir something in me, courage maybe to get my cowardly self up and kill my self. I hated bein me, I hated having to wake up, feel the way I did atoneing for my actions daily. I hated my life in a way that was so simple it made sense to end it all. What was this purpose? My presence is only hurting things, the planet, life. Another mouth to feed, another person to take care of, another tax payer living to pay bills. As I put the gun to my head I just didn’t understand what was keeping us all here why do we have this “survival” gene encoded in us. What makes us fear? Why do we fear?  All I knew was that I needed to go. Not to a far away place where my troubles resided still but to another place of another time, of another field, another dimension.  

I had my pick of any gun I wanted- i just separated from my husband (he kicked me out of he house) I was living with my friends ex bf who was a gun collector – most fully loaded some illegal, sitting in this room I choose three. She and he both knew I had been baker acted twice once for suicide, yet they still put me in this room to live till the house we were going to live in was finished remodeling but I had no choice because I had no where else to go… the last time I went home to my family was the first suicide attempt. 

So it’s around midnight thumb on the trigger for a long while safety off ready, waiting, I thought “I have nothing to live for, what’s the point? I have nothing, I’ve done nothing,” and I felt worthless… Then it was like a light bulb came on with two things… One; I’d feel awful if they had to clean my blood stains off the wall and two; that’s my purpose; TO MAKE all those questions mean something and my stubbornness kicked in and I thought I’ll make my life worthwhile, I’ll make my life memorable, I’ll make it a point to live. I rebelled against myself. It wasn’t until later I found my way but it was a stepping stone and a promise, I was by no means “better” or happier, it didn’t make me feel any better but I put it down with intention, not cowardness. I put it down knowing the journey ahead could mean more than just paying bills, more than just getting by

But as I write this here now I see that the last 3 years so much has gotten in my way. And I allowed it. I could give it all up, move away. Never to return. But where’s the life responsibility? How do you tell your brain damaged mother I’m never coming back? Who’s life is in a bad situation… how can I let her life be bad why I try to make mine? So I continue on this path of guilt. 

Being pulled from reality pt 2

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Falling into the abyss. Darkness over takes me pulling the breath from my lips and sucking my lungs dry. Around me life is being drained from the living to give to the dead so they rise again. A cycle of unforgiving light. 

I fall with my back toward whatever direction I’m going – am I falling up? Everything seems to be getting smaller – but if I’m falling down maybe I’m looking up? It’s all dark anyways. Light dots and darkness dots begin to penetrate my eyes. I can only feel my body – falling falling into a never ending cycle. Never reaching terminal velosity. It just keeps on pulling me sucking the breath out of me, yet I still can breath – or am I? Have I died already? I feel my body, but the darkness is to dark to see if I’m actually still in it. 

Infinite darkness in each and every infinite piece of gathering darkness. But in that darkness light also exists. Between each dark spot there is a source of light. I need to fall into one of those. Smaller than an atom I have to fit or I perish. Would it matter if I did? So I turn towards what’s pulling me. A light. I see it. I dive. Straighten my legs and arms close into my body – but if there’s light why can’t I see my body? Never mind that, I need to focus. What does this light bring me? Why is it pulling me? I’ll fight to survive. 

I never get any closer but I’m still heading towards the light. Why do I not feel the sit being pushed around me? How do I know that I’m falling? 

Misunderstandings 

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I don’t understand why I get into these moods. I clam shut and if someone were to say something I’d blow up on them or want to hurt myself. It’s like I hate living. But really what is motivation? Motivation to live or to die? You can be motivated to die… it’s super easy though, and humans like to complicate things. I could die..

It’s like my views and perceptions get completely turned upside down. Maybe because I can understand and accept so many others points of view that I have no idea what is my own… but really, my own isn’t worth anything but another’s opinion. If your opinion doesn’t matter then why should mine? 

I feel so helpless, no one can help me because everything anyone says I understand and accept but I don’t allow it to seep inside me. I don’t allow it to penetrate. Like in self defense, I use their words against them… I know how to turn things around, I know how to make nonsense make sense. 

I just don’t understand the point of life when all there is is death, destruction and chaos. Yes there’s love, but not the pure true love. No one can honestly say “I love you unconditionally,” then there’s the: “except if you cheat… then I won’t love you anymore” okay there’s a condiontion. Or “I’ll love you unconditionally, except if you don’t answer me for weeks” there’s a condition. Unconditional love does not exist on this plane, only through this plane. It can’t survive in our minds, because our minds can’t perceive it. So what happens when you do perceive it, -like a near death experience – then come back to reality? Then what? Oh right there’s me… I didn’t have a near death experience, however I was there I felt it, and now again, I’m stuck here on this plane in hell. In this body, in this life. The point is mute. 

Peace on Earth

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The relativity of time, the balance of life. The perceptions of each and the ghosts of the things unknown. Living in a world full of misunderstandings and teachings of absurdity. We misunderstand because one “has to be right”; it’s “my way or the high way”  I feel there’s little acceptance of any of it. Respect the nature of all existence, of all people, of all and any life – including that of the smallest insect. Who am I to take or to judge or to hate? It’s your way, but I have mine – don’t send me to the high way because it’s not the same as our way. I’ll still see you on the other side regardless of endless bliss, heaven, nirvana, joy, love, peace where ego, self, space and time are no longer in existence to any matter (and I mean that as physical and rational matter). We are all here to experience. Simple but complex. Peace is every breath, and every moment between. 

Who to Look to

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Life has shown me a new way to look at myself. I continuously look at others and what others are doing how they act, how they think, why they do things, their motivations, but I never seem to look at my own. During this new journey I have realized that I need to be within my own body, within my own mind. I need to stop focusing on the outside, whether it be my mind, body, or spirit – I need to look inside and stop my outer thoughts.

Once I begin to think about someone else I need to redirect my thoughts – what they do has no affect on me unless I allow it. I create this worry, or this distraction from myself because I allow it. I’m not “in-tune” with myself because I’m not allowing it.

I’ve been better the last few days with listening to when I’m hungry and when I’m full. I’ve felt better, and I’ve felt more confident. I wore a tank top to the gym (which I can hardly ever do). But if I can’t love my body now, how can I love it when I reach my goal weight? or “desired body” if I can’t love it now, then I won’t be able to ever accomplish a desired body. I want to be fit and lean. I want to be flexible and graceful.

All this is within me, not someone else. I need to look up to the person I can be, not a different person altogether.

I continuously look up to my higher self.

I am a better person than I was yesterday.

I am happy, healthy and free from holding myself back.

I let life flow through me.

 

New Beginings – eating habits

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So, as life would have it, I have finished school, passed my state exams, and am on my way to becoming an LMT. I am so proud of myself for accomplishing something so big (to me). I need to remind myself and stay strong.

A new path means new transformations and new everything really. I know I have been wishy washy with what I think I want. Today I had a lot of triggers, a lot of unwanted “things” and I felt horrible and yea today was an awakening day for me to say the least. How can I be a person that people want to heal them if I’m still struggling on working on me. The good thing is I am able to turn it off when I work on others – it’s strange, but maybe that’s why I love it so much is because of my ability to “turn it off” when I’m creating space for someone. I love creating that space for them.

So if you have actually been following me, you will know that I have a past ED. Well today, as it would go an old friend from Hugh School reconnected with me and when I saw her, it was like her energy was scrambled, like I couldn’t look into her eyes, but i don’t know if that was my “uneasiness” about being around her – i didn’t recognize her bc she was SO skinny. Granted she’s taller than me so it’s easy to look super super skinny, then she starts talking to me about her diet, like shes ready to change out of her “not eating ways” but said it very nonchalantly, like 8 years will come crashing down of her ED (i saw signs of it in high school) and she’ll be able to change her habits by changing to a vegan diet… she asked me what I ate all the time… I couldn’t answer… i couldn’t even answer to myself, like hey that’s what I ate today… I am refocusing my mind towards food. Food is good. Food is nourishing. I am not glutteness. I am healthy. I am strong.

My problem is (and has been for a long time) that i think the number on the scale is the best thing for me… I just really want to be healthy and happy. for some reason I am unable to feel happy when I feel like I weigh so much. I’m not overweight, i’m not “fat” I’m just not super skinny. I would like to go through a new journey. A journey through self-realization through my poor (soon to be good) eating habits.

I want to go on a spiritual meditation journey to allow myself healing through the body. I need to get massages/bodywork 2x a month and get better understanding of myself ❤

Like most people I make excuses for things for fear of judgement, fear of rejection. I dont eat meat, dairy, or eggs. I’m vegan (but I eat honey). how much more judgemental can people get with me? lol That’s a lot to make fun of someone for yet here I am stuffing my face with the “unhealthy” vegan items. Did you know oreos are technically vegan? thats right look on the back, there is no milk or eggs in them… but i digress. my goal is to become more health/food conscious in a positive uplifting and rejuvenating way. It all starts right MEOW!

Less IS More

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This can be taken in a multitude of different ways, such as friends I would much more rather have QUALITY over quantity. Or materials, because I have not become attached to materials anymore I appreciate the things I do have much more even though there is less I feel more full. Take a moment and really feel what this could be speaking to you-you might need to lessen something in your life to make room for higher personal growth 🙂 ❤

I would wish you luck; but in truth I believe that is the energy you put into your positive thoughts that transform to positive actions that reflect positive karma that make our day good, so instead think happy thoughts today and every day of your life, even in bad situations bc your thoughts will change any perception.