There use to be…

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A time in my life where I would listen to this music over and over and over hopin it would stir something in me, courage maybe to get my cowardly self up and kill my self. I hated bein me, I hated having to wake up, feel the way I did atoneing for my actions daily. I hated my life in a way that was so simple it made sense to end it all. What was this purpose? My presence is only hurting things, the planet, life. Another mouth to feed, another person to take care of, another tax payer living to pay bills. As I put the gun to my head I just didn’t understand what was keeping us all here why do we have this “survival” gene encoded in us. What makes us fear? Why do we fear?  All I knew was that I needed to go. Not to a far away place where my troubles resided still but to another place of another time, of another field, another dimension.  

I had my pick of any gun I wanted- i just separated from my husband (he kicked me out of he house) I was living with my friends ex bf who was a gun collector – most fully loaded some illegal, sitting in this room I choose three. She and he both knew I had been baker acted twice once for suicide, yet they still put me in this room to live till the house we were going to live in was finished remodeling but I had no choice because I had no where else to go… the last time I went home to my family was the first suicide attempt. 

So it’s around midnight thumb on the trigger for a long while safety off ready, waiting, I thought “I have nothing to live for, what’s the point? I have nothing, I’ve done nothing,” and I felt worthless… Then it was like a light bulb came on with two things… One; I’d feel awful if they had to clean my blood stains off the wall and two; that’s my purpose; TO MAKE all those questions mean something and my stubbornness kicked in and I thought I’ll make my life worthwhile, I’ll make my life memorable, I’ll make it a point to live. I rebelled against myself. It wasn’t until later I found my way but it was a stepping stone and a promise, I was by no means “better” or happier, it didn’t make me feel any better but I put it down with intention, not cowardness. I put it down knowing the journey ahead could mean more than just paying bills, more than just getting by

But as I write this here now I see that the last 3 years so much has gotten in my way. And I allowed it. I could give it all up, move away. Never to return. But where’s the life responsibility? How do you tell your brain damaged mother I’m never coming back? Who’s life is in a bad situation… how can I let her life be bad why I try to make mine? So I continue on this path of guilt. 

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Reminders

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I have to keep reminding myself. I overcame alot. I can do this. I don’t need any more help besides my own. I can do this. When I feel like failing I have to remember that a knife won’t help me. Seeing my body won’t allow me to heal. It’s me wanting my insides outside. It’s a physical way to express something inside needs help. I need to reflect and allow whatever emotions out. I need to let myself be not afraid.

It’s because I’m afraid of the person I am inside. I’m a good person full of love and hope. Every time I’m conflicted I have to remember my life is reason enough to live. Life is my present to myself to heal my soul. Healing crisis.

I got a trager massage and did zero balancing…. I think I’m getting after effects of it. This healing crisis that follows wasn’t bad until 4 days later… Why is that? Did I loose my insight of reflection to give !myself? How can I allow myself and my inner emotions out? I need to find my way. I feel like what I’m doing is pointless… Like this life is pointless I don’t understand why I have to submit to others. I want to be as free as a molecule in outer space and be free floating. Always giving and combining with others to help a greater cause… I don’t feel like I’m contributing enough….

I don’t know really. Just this…

Repeats

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So if no one has figured it out already, I’m on an emotional roller coaster… Recovering from EDNOS (which idk that I ever can get over), major depressive disorder, anxiety, PTSD, BPD and whatever else they tell me. But I refuse to live by these titles and have them own my life. What happened in the past hurt me and the experiences give me these titles, but yielding to these titles instead of embracing them and learning about them only forces me down a deeper hole that has not been dug yet.

So instead of hiding behind these titles, I’m going to learn about them, find THEIR weaknesses, not mine, so I can defeat them. Although this is easy to write, as my followers can see it’s not easily done. But I still stand here before you and I’m still alive! I’m still battling these demonic titles that plague to hinder me from reality. Yes BPD isn’t something I can “just get over” I am aware of that, however I will continued to grow in wisdom and see what patterns there are in others with it and my own so I can learn to take control when my mind wants to do something that is not of sound health for me, myself and I.

If any of you suffer from BPD I recommend the book “I hate you, don’t leave me” I’m only in the beginning but it gives you an idea about what people go through.

For example, there was a girl who complained about feeling like having a heart attack… She went to the hospital to find nothing. They could only pin it down to major anxiety issuses. Not 2 months before I picked up the book the SAME EXACT thing happened to me. But I was also recently diagnosed with asthma but I had felt these “chest pains” for as long as I can remember. It just got so bad to the point where I couldn’t move very well and the obvious sign of pain shooting down my arm was a sign to go to the hospital only to find they thought I was crazy. Everything was fine, blood work, X-ray, the whole shabang…. Normal… Cause=anxiety.

I found this new thing I want to try it’s called binaural beats. Here’s a link if your curious

http://www.collective-evolution.com/2013/10/15/how-to-get-high-without-drugs/

You use it as meditation techniques for the minds that never rest (aka mine) so I’m going to try this tomorrow. I just need to get some good headphones to work with it.