I don’t understand why I get into these moods. I clam shut and if someone were to say something I’d blow up on them or want to hurt myself. It’s like I hate living. But really what is motivation? Motivation to live or to die? You can be motivated to die… it’s super easy though, and humans like to complicate things. I could die..
It’s like my views and perceptions get completely turned upside down. Maybe because I can understand and accept so many others points of view that I have no idea what is my own… but really, my own isn’t worth anything but another’s opinion. If your opinion doesn’t matter then why should mine?
I feel so helpless, no one can help me because everything anyone says I understand and accept but I don’t allow it to seep inside me. I don’t allow it to penetrate. Like in self defense, I use their words against them… I know how to turn things around, I know how to make nonsense make sense.
I just don’t understand the point of life when all there is is death, destruction and chaos. Yes there’s love, but not the pure true love. No one can honestly say “I love you unconditionally,” then there’s the: “except if you cheat… then I won’t love you anymore” okay there’s a condiontion. Or “I’ll love you unconditionally, except if you don’t answer me for weeks” there’s a condition. Unconditional love does not exist on this plane, only through this plane. It can’t survive in our minds, because our minds can’t perceive it. So what happens when you do perceive it, -like a near death experience – then come back to reality? Then what? Oh right there’s me… I didn’t have a near death experience, however I was there I felt it, and now again, I’m stuck here on this plane in hell. In this body, in this life. The point is mute.
I’m a failure. No doubt. I went home. I didn’t stay. I dream of things that only normal people can have. I have relapsed into my ED and cutting. My family allows me to live here but are unsupportive and drunks. I wanna drink and drown everything out but I cut and not eat instead. But when I do allow myself to drink one day I’m going to get hammered I bet… So I just don’t drink unless it’s a glass of wine.
I dream of doing normal things, like having a family or kids, but I know that it’s improbable bc of my disorder. I can’t live with myself and I can’t with without anyone. But I can’t live with anyone without being able to love myself. So here I am alone and helpless… Suicidial again. How do I go to work and put a smile on when I have this hate inside myself? I just want it to be over… What’s the point of living if living is a prison in my mind? And no one can fix it but me and I don’t know how. I have no control over anything and I’m finding it hard to get out of bed again. I hate myself.
I just want to curl up in a ball and stare into nothingness. I can’t shake this funk. But when I have I ever been able to? Even when I was there I probably was just putting on a face to make it happy. But I can’t do it on my own. I can’t be happy on my own. Idk how. I’m stuck in this awful world inside my head that no one loves me, but I can’t live unless someone loves me… So it’s a conundrum of wanting love that I don’t believe is there…
I know in my last blog I wrote all kinds of positive things but after my best friend got a bf, my husband (soon to be ex ) left for 3 weeks, I got into a fight with my family I just can’t handle this life. Yes I’m suicidal but I don’t have a safe place for my dogs. No one will be here for another 3 weeks they can’t live without someone to feed and water them. I’m debating on taking them to my moms but that’s a large burden for her be she is handicapped… 2 large over active dogs are hard as it is on a normal person. I just don’t know what to do with my life right now. No one is hiring me, I have No support. I know I should be strong on my own but I have nothing left in me to fight this. I’m going down
So the question is should I wait for these feelings to pass? Will they ever pass because I feel the same way I did on the night of my last attempt. I’m trying to do the right thing but is it the right thing for people who love me (family and the very few friends I have) but I don’t feel like they truly do, if they did why don’t I feel like I can call them right now? Why is it so hard for me to love myself? I can see what it might be like but I just can’t get there. Will I ever get there? Will I ever feel love enough for myself from myself to be loved by some else?
I can’t even watch movies or read a book to get my mind off of it because they have friends or family or they’re strong in their journey. I feel so pathetic, like a stupid failure. I know it says failure is success on the way. But I just can’t see myself ever succeeding I can’t even imagine it… I will still feel this way even when I do succeed at something because I still don’t love myself. I have no self-respect…
And I hate myself for feeling this way because I should be stronger…
SO I have an emotional support dog and I took her downtown and a drunk guy touch her and i ask him not to then he yelled at me “Get a vest!” I yelled back “she’s a therapy dog.” luckily my husband was there with me. I almost started to cry. I wanted to punch him and beate him up. I was so upset. I told him to hold my dog and my bag and he did and I was about to run back to beat him up but he grab my arm and I just about started to cry on his shoulder in the middle of down town. totally had a panic attack. it was awful. how can people be so rude? I was so distraught. all I could think about was ways to hurt him, punch him, or say things back to him. He was so mean to me. SHE AN EMOTIONAL SUPPORT DOG! I was wearing a badge to show it and she was wear a large RED tag that said it! it was dark, but still you dont just go up to someones dog without asking and pet their dog. I’m just venting but I couldn’t believe it. I’m still upset I want to hurt myself so bad… But I know I shouldn’t and I AM going to resist the urge but I CANT STOP THINKING ABOUT IT! I’m so paranoid about the whole event. I wish it never happened. Why do people not think things through? Don’t they care about other peoples feelings? I really, really wanted to hurt him. First time I EVER want to hurt someone physically and the first time I stood up for myself in public like that. it was so weird and scary… I’m normally implosive, but this time I was explosive…. .whats next?