“Do you love me?”

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“DO YOU LOVE ME?!?” I screamed into the phone, thousands of miles away. 

“Yes of course I do” his calm voice choking me. 

“Then why? Why didn’t you try?” I sobbed hanging my head between my legs. 

“I did try” he said. “Every time I called, I told you I loved you” 

“But you’re not here” I whimpered. 

“I am there, I’m with you” he took a deep breath in, “how can I forget you?” 

In an empty parking lot on the side of my car I sob. Alone, empty, helpless. Death can take me now. 

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Dreams vs Reality. 

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It’s is possible that dreams overlap reality? As I drove my car a dream took over all the senses and it was like I was living the dream while I drove but it was my “reality” I know I’m awake… right? I mean as I type this I’m in “my reality” and it was here that my dream overlapped. It’s not the first time it’s happened i just never knew how to explain it till now. It’s not dejavú – it’s not that it happened before, but a man was in my dream was a truck in my reality, a stop sign a door… it overlapped I knew what both were there was definite distinction between the two. 

I have a theory/viewpoint on how this “reality” is. It’s close to Mayans and Shamans and how we live in a dream. Everything that happens happenes within, everything I experience is because of the perception that it’s exists – but just like a dream it’s “not real ” but it is at the same time. Like non-duality. Something can’t exist without the other but nothing exists at the same time. I believe in string theory too where everything is connected in energy. If I move my arm I pull on someone else string across the universe. I have that much of an affect. But in another plane it’s not real, but it is. 

So anyway as my dreams overlap with reality I find myself having trouble understanding life… what is the point? As I view space we are so minute yet here we are worried about our hair or what clothes we wear. We are so bound by our own gravity we can’t look up to see the stars. 

There use to be…

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A time in my life where I would listen to this music over and over and over hopin it would stir something in me, courage maybe to get my cowardly self up and kill my self. I hated bein me, I hated having to wake up, feel the way I did atoneing for my actions daily. I hated my life in a way that was so simple it made sense to end it all. What was this purpose? My presence is only hurting things, the planet, life. Another mouth to feed, another person to take care of, another tax payer living to pay bills. As I put the gun to my head I just didn’t understand what was keeping us all here why do we have this “survival” gene encoded in us. What makes us fear? Why do we fear?  All I knew was that I needed to go. Not to a far away place where my troubles resided still but to another place of another time, of another field, another dimension.  

I had my pick of any gun I wanted- i just separated from my husband (he kicked me out of he house) I was living with my friends ex bf who was a gun collector – most fully loaded some illegal, sitting in this room I choose three. She and he both knew I had been baker acted twice once for suicide, yet they still put me in this room to live till the house we were going to live in was finished remodeling but I had no choice because I had no where else to go… the last time I went home to my family was the first suicide attempt. 

So it’s around midnight thumb on the trigger for a long while safety off ready, waiting, I thought “I have nothing to live for, what’s the point? I have nothing, I’ve done nothing,” and I felt worthless… Then it was like a light bulb came on with two things… One; I’d feel awful if they had to clean my blood stains off the wall and two; that’s my purpose; TO MAKE all those questions mean something and my stubbornness kicked in and I thought I’ll make my life worthwhile, I’ll make my life memorable, I’ll make it a point to live. I rebelled against myself. It wasn’t until later I found my way but it was a stepping stone and a promise, I was by no means “better” or happier, it didn’t make me feel any better but I put it down with intention, not cowardness. I put it down knowing the journey ahead could mean more than just paying bills, more than just getting by

But as I write this here now I see that the last 3 years so much has gotten in my way. And I allowed it. I could give it all up, move away. Never to return. But where’s the life responsibility? How do you tell your brain damaged mother I’m never coming back? Who’s life is in a bad situation… how can I let her life be bad why I try to make mine? So I continue on this path of guilt. 

Work and Fear

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So as I mess up, which seems to be on a weekly bases, I find it very hard to stay stable. I am trying so hard to make myself better, and everything that I do, but I find trouble in messing up. It’s like for every good thing that happens, something else bad happens. I haven’t felt the urge to vut myself as badly as I did today… But I can’t people would see. I don’t want them to know I’m going through hard times. I don’t want them to know these vines in my mind keep crippling me and suffocating the life out of me. I break free every now and again.. but I feel like giving up and stopping the fight against this, what feels like a loosing war. I may win some battles, but am I winning the war? Am I just making my mind pretend that I am okay? is this life something that I do want to live? and as I write all this I feel silly, of course it is. But you see, the thing is I met someone. someone who makes me feel all the warm and fuzzies inside, someone who I feel I can trust, yet, I feel as though since I met them, I have been fighting myself even harder. Am I ready for this? Am I ready to be with someone again after only 6 months of being divorced? 5 months of finding myself and being spiritually in-tuned? It’s not worth sacrificing myself, yet I find that I want o be with this person all the time. Is it making me lose what I have gained so much?

for the first time in months, I threw up today.. the stress was overwhelming for me. I had to do something… this agony that I have been going through is rough. I want to cut, I want to strave, I want to binge and purge… but is it because I find that easier than facing reality? What this reality is made me to believe is real. I know this world is not real, I know that I am living in a dream state only to fight this “reality” but why do I have to be tormented, isn’t though I have found the way it works enough for it to stop? or am I subjected to fulfilling whatever life I am needing o fulfill here.

With this new person, comes new trust. Am I ready to trust someone again? is my doubt the energy that’s creating these mistakes? Why do I feel everything has to be perfect all the time, when nothing I give energy to is perfect…. why do I feel like I need to be hospitalized again? How could I even afford it? I couldn’t… this pain and anguish has been plaguing my mind.

I am finding out more about myself. Love is growth, and it is painful.. but why do we have to have these other emotions compacted into what growth should be? what did I do in another wolrd to receive such pain? did I volunteer this life so some else didn’t have to suffer?

I want to be the change in the world I want to see, but it’s hard when I’m blinded by doubt and fear.

I want to be a silent fairy, I want to be love, and healing, and passion, and compassion and life… I want to give to the earth. I want to be the change in the world. I don’t want these feelings of hate, self rage and the negative. I will be positive, I will be positive. I will be positive. Can’t I be skinny and positive at the same time?

Feeling this way…

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I’m exhausted, I hate feeling this way. I hate staring at the wall, at the computer waiting for something to change, wasting away to nothing. I can’t work for fear of panic attack, for fear of wanting to off myself because a person ticking me off to bad. I’m afraid of going back to school because of the stress that it will put on me and the anxiety that will fill my mind to do better and be the best at my grades. I always want to be the best I always push myself to far; at work and at school and when I don’t ahcieve those things I feel like a failure.

I know that the only change that I’m going to see is not the change I am going to see, but the change of what I’m going to feel and the change is only going to happen by doing something but fear has it’s grasp around my throat and my PTSD, BPD BLAH BLAH etc… won’t allow me to change unless i receive some type of help that I AM NOT RECEIVING at this moment because my insurance and therapists like to go on vacations at the very moment I get out of the hospital… fantastic huh? SO I sit here writing you guys, complete strangers for some virtual support for likes and comments of what idk, but in some way it helps to vent.

I feel like I fail everyday… last night I almost put the gun in my mouth… almost pulled the trigger… I thought at midnight what it would be like to die, my mom, my sister, but then I thought, who would take care of my dog? My preciousness living child, that I love so much? That I would do anything for? Who would love her as much as I? the answer? NO ONE. No one could love her as much as I would. So that stopped me. Because I know that SHE and my HUSBAND love me through all my faults, through all my ups and all my downs, all my spouts of depression, happiness (barley), sadness, hurt, anger, love (kind of), THEY are there for me.

I bet your wondering why was it my dog first that saved me and not my husband? Well, my husband too has a disorder, and if he would have found me dead, I would have meet him in hell a few moments later. That I know.