Dreams vs Reality. 

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It’s is possible that dreams overlap reality? As I drove my car a dream took over all the senses and it was like I was living the dream while I drove but it was my “reality” I know I’m awake… right? I mean as I type this I’m in “my reality” and it was here that my dream overlapped. It’s not the first time it’s happened i just never knew how to explain it till now. It’s not dejavú – it’s not that it happened before, but a man was in my dream was a truck in my reality, a stop sign a door… it overlapped I knew what both were there was definite distinction between the two. 

I have a theory/viewpoint on how this “reality” is. It’s close to Mayans and Shamans and how we live in a dream. Everything that happens happenes within, everything I experience is because of the perception that it’s exists – but just like a dream it’s “not real ” but it is at the same time. Like non-duality. Something can’t exist without the other but nothing exists at the same time. I believe in string theory too where everything is connected in energy. If I move my arm I pull on someone else string across the universe. I have that much of an affect. But in another plane it’s not real, but it is. 

So anyway as my dreams overlap with reality I find myself having trouble understanding life… what is the point? As I view space we are so minute yet here we are worried about our hair or what clothes we wear. We are so bound by our own gravity we can’t look up to see the stars. 

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There use to be…

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A time in my life where I would listen to this music over and over and over hopin it would stir something in me, courage maybe to get my cowardly self up and kill my self. I hated bein me, I hated having to wake up, feel the way I did atoneing for my actions daily. I hated my life in a way that was so simple it made sense to end it all. What was this purpose? My presence is only hurting things, the planet, life. Another mouth to feed, another person to take care of, another tax payer living to pay bills. As I put the gun to my head I just didn’t understand what was keeping us all here why do we have this “survival” gene encoded in us. What makes us fear? Why do we fear?  All I knew was that I needed to go. Not to a far away place where my troubles resided still but to another place of another time, of another field, another dimension.  

I had my pick of any gun I wanted- i just separated from my husband (he kicked me out of he house) I was living with my friends ex bf who was a gun collector – most fully loaded some illegal, sitting in this room I choose three. She and he both knew I had been baker acted twice once for suicide, yet they still put me in this room to live till the house we were going to live in was finished remodeling but I had no choice because I had no where else to go… the last time I went home to my family was the first suicide attempt. 

So it’s around midnight thumb on the trigger for a long while safety off ready, waiting, I thought “I have nothing to live for, what’s the point? I have nothing, I’ve done nothing,” and I felt worthless… Then it was like a light bulb came on with two things… One; I’d feel awful if they had to clean my blood stains off the wall and two; that’s my purpose; TO MAKE all those questions mean something and my stubbornness kicked in and I thought I’ll make my life worthwhile, I’ll make my life memorable, I’ll make it a point to live. I rebelled against myself. It wasn’t until later I found my way but it was a stepping stone and a promise, I was by no means “better” or happier, it didn’t make me feel any better but I put it down with intention, not cowardness. I put it down knowing the journey ahead could mean more than just paying bills, more than just getting by

But as I write this here now I see that the last 3 years so much has gotten in my way. And I allowed it. I could give it all up, move away. Never to return. But where’s the life responsibility? How do you tell your brain damaged mother I’m never coming back? Who’s life is in a bad situation… how can I let her life be bad why I try to make mine? So I continue on this path of guilt. 

Dreams

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Why do I keep having dreams? It makes me so tired to have them. I’m supposed to be resting, sleeping, but here I am waking up so tired and beat – mentally. I don’t like dreaming these things. of wolves and my ex… why does he have to come in there and tell me he misses me? is that my mind telling me I miss him? Do I? I guess I miss his care, his protective nature. but still it wears me out. I understand brain, now leave me alone.

I often think that I should go back on my meds. My anxiety meds or my anti-depressants… IDK why I went off them, oh yea someone told me I shouldn’t be on them due to the fact that they are bad for my brain… but what if I’m bad for my body? I’ve been having bad thoughts again… not to the extent of suicidal, although it may cross my mind from time to time, but maybe more so that I want protection from myself, I am afraid of my own mind. I need to release myself and be free, but how? How can I when I’m surrounded with hate, why do we need to work? the stress of the world burdens me. I feel like I carry it all on my shoulders… I’m going on, rambling not making any sense, what am I to do? where am I meant to be? I keep thinking this is it, this is where I’m meant to be, but what about when school is over? do I like the protection that school offers me away from the “real world”? I don’t have obligations to tell me where and what I am supposed to be/do…. Maybe I can figure this out. I’m so up-tight with myself. I need to release, let go relax… something.. bc I’m not doing a very good job with myself.

Work and Fear

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So as I mess up, which seems to be on a weekly bases, I find it very hard to stay stable. I am trying so hard to make myself better, and everything that I do, but I find trouble in messing up. It’s like for every good thing that happens, something else bad happens. I haven’t felt the urge to vut myself as badly as I did today… But I can’t people would see. I don’t want them to know I’m going through hard times. I don’t want them to know these vines in my mind keep crippling me and suffocating the life out of me. I break free every now and again.. but I feel like giving up and stopping the fight against this, what feels like a loosing war. I may win some battles, but am I winning the war? Am I just making my mind pretend that I am okay? is this life something that I do want to live? and as I write all this I feel silly, of course it is. But you see, the thing is I met someone. someone who makes me feel all the warm and fuzzies inside, someone who I feel I can trust, yet, I feel as though since I met them, I have been fighting myself even harder. Am I ready for this? Am I ready to be with someone again after only 6 months of being divorced? 5 months of finding myself and being spiritually in-tuned? It’s not worth sacrificing myself, yet I find that I want o be with this person all the time. Is it making me lose what I have gained so much?

for the first time in months, I threw up today.. the stress was overwhelming for me. I had to do something… this agony that I have been going through is rough. I want to cut, I want to strave, I want to binge and purge… but is it because I find that easier than facing reality? What this reality is made me to believe is real. I know this world is not real, I know that I am living in a dream state only to fight this “reality” but why do I have to be tormented, isn’t though I have found the way it works enough for it to stop? or am I subjected to fulfilling whatever life I am needing o fulfill here.

With this new person, comes new trust. Am I ready to trust someone again? is my doubt the energy that’s creating these mistakes? Why do I feel everything has to be perfect all the time, when nothing I give energy to is perfect…. why do I feel like I need to be hospitalized again? How could I even afford it? I couldn’t… this pain and anguish has been plaguing my mind.

I am finding out more about myself. Love is growth, and it is painful.. but why do we have to have these other emotions compacted into what growth should be? what did I do in another wolrd to receive such pain? did I volunteer this life so some else didn’t have to suffer?

I want to be the change in the world I want to see, but it’s hard when I’m blinded by doubt and fear.

I want to be a silent fairy, I want to be love, and healing, and passion, and compassion and life… I want to give to the earth. I want to be the change in the world. I don’t want these feelings of hate, self rage and the negative. I will be positive, I will be positive. I will be positive. Can’t I be skinny and positive at the same time?

WOW! ! what a Transformation!

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SO It has been a long while since I have written in my blog. I have been on this incredible journey to bettering myself spiritually, I can say I have “recovered” from my ED. Although the thoughts still plague me they have no control. They are people who make comments but I try my best to ignore them. I love myself for who I am and what I have done. I live better in the moment. I am learning everyday to love myself and to be here for others. I’ve been through so much and now I want to help others. I can say for the last 5 months I have had TRUE growth within myself and I am happy to be alive!

As these thoughts wash through my mind all I do is allow them to pass, and as I have gained weight and it does “hurt” my pride, I have to also let that go. My ego and my pride can hurt me.

It’s not all fun and games all the time, I still struggle but I do not struggle as much, and through my struggles I grow. The best way to deal with mistakes is to learn from them and not do it again. I am still learning this to.

I have found an amazing family through networking and it has helped me grow even more. I try to meditate everyday. I believe in a previous post I posted that I was going to start mediation in attempts to alleviate my anxiety and depression, well its worked. I also have read many books on my journey through meditation. I now believe in the Oneness within the world and I am living each day.

Lately I have been going through a “weird” time. I know its growth I just haven’t figured it out yet so it’s taxing. I’ve learned so much and it’s hard to absorb it all at once. HAHA!

Some books I have read to help me grow, but in spirit and in mental health.

The 4 Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz (plus the Voice of knowledge, and the 5th agreement and the mastery of love)

Zen Mind Beginnners mind.

The 3 Pillars of zen

Osho books – all of them are good but I am currently reading Love Freedom Aloneness.

I am also reading abook on mindfulness.

I turned vegan as well in support of my “Be the Change in the world you want to see” Giving up food wasn’t the hard part it’s the realization to the fact of what we are doing to the planet, animals and life on earth- it’s destroying us!

Med Change…. (POOR LANGUAGE – not grammar poor – but vulgar, well probably grammar too)

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FML! THey changed my meds WHAT FUCKING FUCK WERE THEY THINKING?!?!?!?!? 100mg of Desyrel (Trazodone) for a 102 lb 22 yr old GIRL?!?!?!? I slept 16 hours a fucking day! AND I COULDN”T WAKE UP FROM MY DREAMS! ! ! ! so i’m trapped in my nightmares. FUCK YOU! I stopped taking all my meds except my Topamax, Xanax and Effexor THANK YOU!  I’ll take the paranoia and anxious thoughts over being lazy and groggy all the fucking time with the paranoia and anxiety STILL! I need to function to live! How am I supposed to “get better” if I’m so drugged out of my mind that I can barely walk to the bathroom in the morning?

Lets try herbal supplements like Passion FLower – to help with anxiety – so far – still shaking from anxiety but my mind feels a little better, so now I just have to chug aaaaabout mmmmm 4 gallons of tea a day and we’re good…..

B/P And PISSED the F****** OFF

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it’s been 10 Days since I binged, I purged most of it, but ugh! I hate doing it… it was my husband bday and the family brought 4 CAKES! WHY!?!?!? THERE WERE ONLY 4 OF US HERE?!?!?!? I DONT GET IT!!!! AT least I only like one of them anyways I mean I didn’t eat THAT much but it was still too much for me… but ayway I was down to 103 but I’m scared to check the scale tomorrow… so I’m not going to till monday… sigh… disappointment here I come…

SO yesterday I go into CVS (drug store) to pick up my prescription from the pharmacy with my REGISTERED Emotional Support Dog, for my Depression (and now BPD) and I go to buy cigarettes as well. I ask “can I get a pack of cigarettes” the manager says “not with the dog you can’t” I say – and show my badge that is around my neck “Shes a regisered emotional support dog, i’m allowed to have her!” At this point i’m about to have a panic attack. and my husband is on the phone so I’m really stressed bc he can’t help me…. I’m freaking out my stomach, heart and mind drop to my feet, I’m about to loose alll hope for every thing I want to fall on the floor and let ants carry me to my grave.

finally he says “well as long as you keep her under control” I think no shit sherlock, shes a service dog shes supposed to be undercontrol. so after I leave I call customer support to report the incident to see if their employees are properly trained on ADA rules (American Disability Act).  the #1 rule they are NOT allowed to ask for Identification of you or your dog if they are or are not a service animal are long as they have some display that they are a working dog (she has a red tag on her harness) #2 they can not harass you or discriminate you IN ANY way bc you have a service animal.

But when I called they were out for the day so I’m going to try again on monday to tell them that their employee are not properly trained on ADA rules and regulations on service animals and that needs to change before someone other than me sues them for not properly taking care of their customers.

And I did have a anxiety attack when I got into the car BTW…. I got really pissed off at everyone… even my dog… then I started knitted and I felt better… how lame am I?