WOW! ! what a Transformation!

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SO It has been a long while since I have written in my blog. I have been on this incredible journey to bettering myself spiritually, I can say I have “recovered” from my ED. Although the thoughts still plague me they have no control. They are people who make comments but I try my best to ignore them. I love myself for who I am and what I have done. I live better in the moment. I am learning everyday to love myself and to be here for others. I’ve been through so much and now I want to help others. I can say for the last 5 months I have had TRUE growth within myself and I am happy to be alive!

As these thoughts wash through my mind all I do is allow them to pass, and as I have gained weight and it does “hurt” my pride, I have to also let that go. My ego and my pride can hurt me.

It’s not all fun and games all the time, I still struggle but I do not struggle as much, and through my struggles I grow. The best way to deal with mistakes is to learn from them and not do it again. I am still learning this to.

I have found an amazing family through networking and it has helped me grow even more. I try to meditate everyday. I believe in a previous post I posted that I was going to start mediation in attempts to alleviate my anxiety and depression, well its worked. I also have read many books on my journey through meditation. I now believe in the Oneness within the world and I am living each day.

Lately I have been going through a “weird” time. I know its growth I just haven’t figured it out yet so it’s taxing. I’ve learned so much and it’s hard to absorb it all at once. HAHA!

Some books I have read to help me grow, but in spirit and in mental health.

The 4 Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz (plus the Voice of knowledge, and the 5th agreement and the mastery of love)

Zen Mind Beginnners mind.

The 3 Pillars of zen

Osho books – all of them are good but I am currently reading Love Freedom Aloneness.

I am also reading abook on mindfulness.

I turned vegan as well in support of my “Be the Change in the world you want to see” Giving up food wasn’t the hard part it’s the realization to the fact of what we are doing to the planet, animals and life on earth- it’s destroying us!

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Be Honest with Yourself – who wants to get better?

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I keep wondering why I pull this card? What am I not being honest with? I thought that maybe my ED progression has been bc of my liking to this guy, but it’s not – it’s me. It’s an excuse. I’m being false; I’m afraid to get better. If i get better, TRUELY better, I won’t care how fat I get – or I’ll loose my control (aka my control through ED) I want to log into my ed website so bad. I mean of course I’ll be “healthy” heck there’s a chance I’ll be more fit and healthier than I am now, but there’s is another chance I will get fatter. That’s what I’m lying to myself about.

Not loving myself I am comfortable because it’s what I know. It’s what I’m use to. It’s my safety bubble – hating myself is easy.

I thought it was bc I was jealous of his ex bc of her supermodel body – nope I’m afraid of getting better. I’m afraid of loosing my control and finding the right light to walk in. Yea I can fake it till I make it but I’m already spiraling down and I’ve been falling into my ED habits. I need to gain control through another way. I can’t run bc I have severe blisters. I need new shoes that I can’t afford.

I have to stop these bad habits! I have to love myself and GET BETTER! Soon loving myself will be easier. – impeccable words – the first agreement!

Zen Mind – never expect an achievement because you will never gain a TRUE achievement that way.

Failure

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I’m a failure. No doubt. I went home. I didn’t stay. I dream of things that only normal people can have. I have relapsed into my ED and cutting. My family allows me to live here but are unsupportive and drunks. I wanna drink and drown everything out but I cut and not eat instead. But when I do allow myself to drink one day I’m going to get hammered I bet… So I just don’t drink unless it’s a glass of wine.

I dream of doing normal things, like having a family or kids, but I know that it’s improbable bc of my disorder. I can’t live with myself and I can’t with without anyone. But I can’t live with anyone without being able to love myself. So here I am alone and helpless… Suicidial again. How do I go to work and put a smile on when I have this hate inside myself? I just want it to be over… What’s the point of living if living is a prison in my mind? And no one can fix it but me and I don’t know how. I have no control over anything and I’m finding it hard to get out of bed again. I hate myself.

I just want to curl up in a ball and stare into nothingness. I can’t shake this funk. But when I have I ever been able to? Even when I was there I probably was just putting on a face to make it happy. But I can’t do it on my own. I can’t be happy on my own. Idk how. I’m stuck in this awful world inside my head that no one loves me, but I can’t live unless someone loves me… So it’s a conundrum of wanting love that I don’t believe is there…

Repeats

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So if no one has figured it out already, I’m on an emotional roller coaster… Recovering from EDNOS (which idk that I ever can get over), major depressive disorder, anxiety, PTSD, BPD and whatever else they tell me. But I refuse to live by these titles and have them own my life. What happened in the past hurt me and the experiences give me these titles, but yielding to these titles instead of embracing them and learning about them only forces me down a deeper hole that has not been dug yet.

So instead of hiding behind these titles, I’m going to learn about them, find THEIR weaknesses, not mine, so I can defeat them. Although this is easy to write, as my followers can see it’s not easily done. But I still stand here before you and I’m still alive! I’m still battling these demonic titles that plague to hinder me from reality. Yes BPD isn’t something I can “just get over” I am aware of that, however I will continued to grow in wisdom and see what patterns there are in others with it and my own so I can learn to take control when my mind wants to do something that is not of sound health for me, myself and I.

If any of you suffer from BPD I recommend the book “I hate you, don’t leave me” I’m only in the beginning but it gives you an idea about what people go through.

For example, there was a girl who complained about feeling like having a heart attack… She went to the hospital to find nothing. They could only pin it down to major anxiety issuses. Not 2 months before I picked up the book the SAME EXACT thing happened to me. But I was also recently diagnosed with asthma but I had felt these “chest pains” for as long as I can remember. It just got so bad to the point where I couldn’t move very well and the obvious sign of pain shooting down my arm was a sign to go to the hospital only to find they thought I was crazy. Everything was fine, blood work, X-ray, the whole shabang…. Normal… Cause=anxiety.

I found this new thing I want to try it’s called binaural beats. Here’s a link if your curious

http://www.collective-evolution.com/2013/10/15/how-to-get-high-without-drugs/

You use it as meditation techniques for the minds that never rest (aka mine) so I’m going to try this tomorrow. I just need to get some good headphones to work with it.