“Do you love me?”

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“DO YOU LOVE ME?!?” I screamed into the phone, thousands of miles away. 

“Yes of course I do” his calm voice choking me. 

“Then why? Why didn’t you try?” I sobbed hanging my head between my legs. 

“I did try” he said. “Every time I called, I told you I loved you” 

“But you’re not here” I whimpered. 

“I am there, I’m with you” he took a deep breath in, “how can I forget you?” 

In an empty parking lot on the side of my car I sob. Alone, empty, helpless. Death can take me now. 

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Hope for me

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SOOOOO just about everything has resurfaced. Sometimes in class, people will ignore me, everyone. I know that seems selfish and I try to just let it go but when it’s becoming more frequent and all the time. It’s hard to learn when I can’t ask questions to the teacher. I don’t talk a lot and my questions seem valid. IDK. thats one issue. Another thing that happened – my ex talked to me about how much he missed me and how he was wrong – we both were. we were both at fault. But this time he wanted to tell me how much I had made a difference in his life. how I encouraged him to go to school and I was super supportive and if it weren’t for me he wouldn’t have complete college. I’m unsure how to take that. and then someone called me about a program over the phone for people like me – depressed, coaching, life therapy – more stuff resurfaced. THEN someone calls me and tells me to say “don’t you dare go back down there. Don’t get pregnant you can’t handle that in your life right now, and you better not quite school, you need to complete something in your life… WOW OUCH! the next day I didn’t go to school – first day I’ve missed all year. Then I go to see my mom – shes brain damaged and can’t really think or function “normally” well she has to live with my aunt and grandfather, and they have been saying awful things to her – she doesn’t know any better, and she can’t help some of the things she does – why do they need to pick on her and push her down – wen she was talking to me I had to leave bc I started crying.

Then my bf and I were playing games together but my computer broke so I wasn’t able to play – I work 40 hours a week plus phone calls on nights and weekends and I go to school till 11 pm 3 days a week. Well one night when I get home from school, I say I’m tired and I would like to go to bed, he continues to play till midnight – I can’t sleep. I ask him to come to bed with me. He does but he doesn’t seem happy about it. I ask him if it’s okay he said yea, he’s just not tired – he falls asleep before me. I’m laying in bed awake – can’t sleep, can’t think straight. I just felt like I didn’t want to do this anymore. I just wanted to get up and leave right then. Say you know what – I was right I wasn’t ready for a relationship and just leave – but I didn’t want to make any rash decisions so I tried to talk it out with him – didn’t work so we just had sex and I was finally able to go to sleep.

I’ve been having weird awful dreams lately too… all this within the last 5 days…

I have been trying to read a new book that helps with being centered aware/present awareness/oneness. all that. and I’m trying to practice it. but last night just iced the cake and I wanted to just go far away. IDK where but just far.

Dreams

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Why do I keep having dreams? It makes me so tired to have them. I’m supposed to be resting, sleeping, but here I am waking up so tired and beat – mentally. I don’t like dreaming these things. of wolves and my ex… why does he have to come in there and tell me he misses me? is that my mind telling me I miss him? Do I? I guess I miss his care, his protective nature. but still it wears me out. I understand brain, now leave me alone.

I often think that I should go back on my meds. My anxiety meds or my anti-depressants… IDK why I went off them, oh yea someone told me I shouldn’t be on them due to the fact that they are bad for my brain… but what if I’m bad for my body? I’ve been having bad thoughts again… not to the extent of suicidal, although it may cross my mind from time to time, but maybe more so that I want protection from myself, I am afraid of my own mind. I need to release myself and be free, but how? How can I when I’m surrounded with hate, why do we need to work? the stress of the world burdens me. I feel like I carry it all on my shoulders… I’m going on, rambling not making any sense, what am I to do? where am I meant to be? I keep thinking this is it, this is where I’m meant to be, but what about when school is over? do I like the protection that school offers me away from the “real world”? I don’t have obligations to tell me where and what I am supposed to be/do…. Maybe I can figure this out. I’m so up-tight with myself. I need to release, let go relax… something.. bc I’m not doing a very good job with myself.

Work and Fear

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So as I mess up, which seems to be on a weekly bases, I find it very hard to stay stable. I am trying so hard to make myself better, and everything that I do, but I find trouble in messing up. It’s like for every good thing that happens, something else bad happens. I haven’t felt the urge to vut myself as badly as I did today… But I can’t people would see. I don’t want them to know I’m going through hard times. I don’t want them to know these vines in my mind keep crippling me and suffocating the life out of me. I break free every now and again.. but I feel like giving up and stopping the fight against this, what feels like a loosing war. I may win some battles, but am I winning the war? Am I just making my mind pretend that I am okay? is this life something that I do want to live? and as I write all this I feel silly, of course it is. But you see, the thing is I met someone. someone who makes me feel all the warm and fuzzies inside, someone who I feel I can trust, yet, I feel as though since I met them, I have been fighting myself even harder. Am I ready for this? Am I ready to be with someone again after only 6 months of being divorced? 5 months of finding myself and being spiritually in-tuned? It’s not worth sacrificing myself, yet I find that I want o be with this person all the time. Is it making me lose what I have gained so much?

for the first time in months, I threw up today.. the stress was overwhelming for me. I had to do something… this agony that I have been going through is rough. I want to cut, I want to strave, I want to binge and purge… but is it because I find that easier than facing reality? What this reality is made me to believe is real. I know this world is not real, I know that I am living in a dream state only to fight this “reality” but why do I have to be tormented, isn’t though I have found the way it works enough for it to stop? or am I subjected to fulfilling whatever life I am needing o fulfill here.

With this new person, comes new trust. Am I ready to trust someone again? is my doubt the energy that’s creating these mistakes? Why do I feel everything has to be perfect all the time, when nothing I give energy to is perfect…. why do I feel like I need to be hospitalized again? How could I even afford it? I couldn’t… this pain and anguish has been plaguing my mind.

I am finding out more about myself. Love is growth, and it is painful.. but why do we have to have these other emotions compacted into what growth should be? what did I do in another wolrd to receive such pain? did I volunteer this life so some else didn’t have to suffer?

I want to be the change in the world I want to see, but it’s hard when I’m blinded by doubt and fear.

I want to be a silent fairy, I want to be love, and healing, and passion, and compassion and life… I want to give to the earth. I want to be the change in the world. I don’t want these feelings of hate, self rage and the negative. I will be positive, I will be positive. I will be positive. Can’t I be skinny and positive at the same time?

off meds… again?

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Why do I do this to myself? I go off, I go on? I dont know why I do this… I’m stupid I know but I just don’t want to be dependent on a pill that changes me… I should take them because it is a chemical imbalance. I quit smoking, I quit my meds, I’m in the middle of a divorce… I’m an idiot with all this stress… I don’t know what I’m thinking… but I can do this. I moved in with a Great friend. He is wonderful. But the adjustment is hard. Sigh. No therapy and my Doctor thinks I’m abusing my meds… and i’m not even taking them except to sleep and I can barley even do that right now… obviously because I am awake right now after 3 hours of sleep… sigh… I’m helpless… Whatever. I’m fat and ugly and gross and I’m just useless…

Sacrifice…

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What sacrifice is worth giving up the memories for the war inside your head? do you remember the battle or the memories that the battle ruins? which should be sacrifice by medication? the memories or the battle inside your head…? I wanna just break down and cry but I feel too tired… too exhausted to even blink correctly. but onward I go and onward I will remain forever.

I feel like I’m loosing my ground. I wanna scream and cry and kick and throw and break things and I still just always keep a level head because I know that the consequences of those actions are not worth the little outburst of “feeling-better” that I get from doing them. I wish that I could just stop having all these thoughts and feelings and get to living a normal live but there is no such thing as a normal life for me.

I have never experienced one and I fear I never will. However there is new hope in my life, I’m just waiting for the roots to take but the weather right now isn’t helping me allow the roots to grab hold on the prefect soil that I have before me. I have to be patient. I have to hold on and take it day by day. Sacrifice each minute of hate for a minute of love.

Feeling this way…

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I’m exhausted, I hate feeling this way. I hate staring at the wall, at the computer waiting for something to change, wasting away to nothing. I can’t work for fear of panic attack, for fear of wanting to off myself because a person ticking me off to bad. I’m afraid of going back to school because of the stress that it will put on me and the anxiety that will fill my mind to do better and be the best at my grades. I always want to be the best I always push myself to far; at work and at school and when I don’t ahcieve those things I feel like a failure.

I know that the only change that I’m going to see is not the change I am going to see, but the change of what I’m going to feel and the change is only going to happen by doing something but fear has it’s grasp around my throat and my PTSD, BPD BLAH BLAH etc… won’t allow me to change unless i receive some type of help that I AM NOT RECEIVING at this moment because my insurance and therapists like to go on vacations at the very moment I get out of the hospital… fantastic huh? SO I sit here writing you guys, complete strangers for some virtual support for likes and comments of what idk, but in some way it helps to vent.

I feel like I fail everyday… last night I almost put the gun in my mouth… almost pulled the trigger… I thought at midnight what it would be like to die, my mom, my sister, but then I thought, who would take care of my dog? My preciousness living child, that I love so much? That I would do anything for? Who would love her as much as I? the answer? NO ONE. No one could love her as much as I would. So that stopped me. Because I know that SHE and my HUSBAND love me through all my faults, through all my ups and all my downs, all my spouts of depression, happiness (barley), sadness, hurt, anger, love (kind of), THEY are there for me.

I bet your wondering why was it my dog first that saved me and not my husband? Well, my husband too has a disorder, and if he would have found me dead, I would have meet him in hell a few moments later. That I know.