Dreams

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Why do I keep having dreams? It makes me so tired to have them. I’m supposed to be resting, sleeping, but here I am waking up so tired and beat – mentally. I don’t like dreaming these things. of wolves and my ex… why does he have to come in there and tell me he misses me? is that my mind telling me I miss him? Do I? I guess I miss his care, his protective nature. but still it wears me out. I understand brain, now leave me alone.

I often think that I should go back on my meds. My anxiety meds or my anti-depressants… IDK why I went off them, oh yea someone told me I shouldn’t be on them due to the fact that they are bad for my brain… but what if I’m bad for my body? I’ve been having bad thoughts again… not to the extent of suicidal, although it may cross my mind from time to time, but maybe more so that I want protection from myself, I am afraid of my own mind. I need to release myself and be free, but how? How can I when I’m surrounded with hate, why do we need to work? the stress of the world burdens me. I feel like I carry it all on my shoulders… I’m going on, rambling not making any sense, what am I to do? where am I meant to be? I keep thinking this is it, this is where I’m meant to be, but what about when school is over? do I like the protection that school offers me away from the “real world”? I don’t have obligations to tell me where and what I am supposed to be/do…. Maybe I can figure this out. I’m so up-tight with myself. I need to release, let go relax… something.. bc I’m not doing a very good job with myself.

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Work and Fear

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So as I mess up, which seems to be on a weekly bases, I find it very hard to stay stable. I am trying so hard to make myself better, and everything that I do, but I find trouble in messing up. It’s like for every good thing that happens, something else bad happens. I haven’t felt the urge to vut myself as badly as I did today… But I can’t people would see. I don’t want them to know I’m going through hard times. I don’t want them to know these vines in my mind keep crippling me and suffocating the life out of me. I break free every now and again.. but I feel like giving up and stopping the fight against this, what feels like a loosing war. I may win some battles, but am I winning the war? Am I just making my mind pretend that I am okay? is this life something that I do want to live? and as I write all this I feel silly, of course it is. But you see, the thing is I met someone. someone who makes me feel all the warm and fuzzies inside, someone who I feel I can trust, yet, I feel as though since I met them, I have been fighting myself even harder. Am I ready for this? Am I ready to be with someone again after only 6 months of being divorced? 5 months of finding myself and being spiritually in-tuned? It’s not worth sacrificing myself, yet I find that I want o be with this person all the time. Is it making me lose what I have gained so much?

for the first time in months, I threw up today.. the stress was overwhelming for me. I had to do something… this agony that I have been going through is rough. I want to cut, I want to strave, I want to binge and purge… but is it because I find that easier than facing reality? What this reality is made me to believe is real. I know this world is not real, I know that I am living in a dream state only to fight this “reality” but why do I have to be tormented, isn’t though I have found the way it works enough for it to stop? or am I subjected to fulfilling whatever life I am needing o fulfill here.

With this new person, comes new trust. Am I ready to trust someone again? is my doubt the energy that’s creating these mistakes? Why do I feel everything has to be perfect all the time, when nothing I give energy to is perfect…. why do I feel like I need to be hospitalized again? How could I even afford it? I couldn’t… this pain and anguish has been plaguing my mind.

I am finding out more about myself. Love is growth, and it is painful.. but why do we have to have these other emotions compacted into what growth should be? what did I do in another wolrd to receive such pain? did I volunteer this life so some else didn’t have to suffer?

I want to be the change in the world I want to see, but it’s hard when I’m blinded by doubt and fear.

I want to be a silent fairy, I want to be love, and healing, and passion, and compassion and life… I want to give to the earth. I want to be the change in the world. I don’t want these feelings of hate, self rage and the negative. I will be positive, I will be positive. I will be positive. Can’t I be skinny and positive at the same time?

off meds… again?

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Why do I do this to myself? I go off, I go on? I dont know why I do this… I’m stupid I know but I just don’t want to be dependent on a pill that changes me… I should take them because it is a chemical imbalance. I quit smoking, I quit my meds, I’m in the middle of a divorce… I’m an idiot with all this stress… I don’t know what I’m thinking… but I can do this. I moved in with a Great friend. He is wonderful. But the adjustment is hard. Sigh. No therapy and my Doctor thinks I’m abusing my meds… and i’m not even taking them except to sleep and I can barley even do that right now… obviously because I am awake right now after 3 hours of sleep… sigh… I’m helpless… Whatever. I’m fat and ugly and gross and I’m just useless…

Detachment

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I feel so though I am not myself. I ask myself how I got here, who I am and how did I get this old with out me knowing? Why don’t I have my degree? Why don’t I have a career like the people I graduated with? then memories flood into my mind, drowning all my senses and I go numb. My heart stops beating my lungs stops breathing and I watch as these horrific memories spread through my mind and tell me the story of my past and answer these questions I so often find myself questioning. THe numbing pictures and feelings stop my blood from flowing and my mind from thinking. I just watch; from childhood to adulthood. Here I am. This is why. Now stop bothering me She says. I want to curl up and sleep for days, but I only manage hours.

I read and research when I get the energy of these disease they call BPD. When I don’t have the energy I find my stabbing emotional distress ripping and pulling me in different directions I don’t know which way to go, I don’t know which way to go. So I sit and stare at nothing, at everything. I play with paranoia. I dance with disturbing thoughts.

I manage to watch a movie from time to time. Read. Knit when I find the time. Then when my husband comes home we can finally go for a walk. The highlight of my day. Going for a walk with him and the dogs is my reflection and my jailbreak. It’s like getting pulled out of the cave of darkness into a newer light. Soon I will be able to do this on my own. I just have to stay positive. Chin up! Right? sigh. I feel like IDK anymore.