There use to be…

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A time in my life where I would listen to this music over and over and over hopin it would stir something in me, courage maybe to get my cowardly self up and kill my self. I hated bein me, I hated having to wake up, feel the way I did atoneing for my actions daily. I hated my life in a way that was so simple it made sense to end it all. What was this purpose? My presence is only hurting things, the planet, life. Another mouth to feed, another person to take care of, another tax payer living to pay bills. As I put the gun to my head I just didn’t understand what was keeping us all here why do we have this “survival” gene encoded in us. What makes us fear? Why do we fear?  All I knew was that I needed to go. Not to a far away place where my troubles resided still but to another place of another time, of another field, another dimension.  

I had my pick of any gun I wanted- i just separated from my husband (he kicked me out of he house) I was living with my friends ex bf who was a gun collector – most fully loaded some illegal, sitting in this room I choose three. She and he both knew I had been baker acted twice once for suicide, yet they still put me in this room to live till the house we were going to live in was finished remodeling but I had no choice because I had no where else to go… the last time I went home to my family was the first suicide attempt. 

So it’s around midnight thumb on the trigger for a long while safety off ready, waiting, I thought “I have nothing to live for, what’s the point? I have nothing, I’ve done nothing,” and I felt worthless… Then it was like a light bulb came on with two things… One; I’d feel awful if they had to clean my blood stains off the wall and two; that’s my purpose; TO MAKE all those questions mean something and my stubbornness kicked in and I thought I’ll make my life worthwhile, I’ll make my life memorable, I’ll make it a point to live. I rebelled against myself. It wasn’t until later I found my way but it was a stepping stone and a promise, I was by no means “better” or happier, it didn’t make me feel any better but I put it down with intention, not cowardness. I put it down knowing the journey ahead could mean more than just paying bills, more than just getting by

But as I write this here now I see that the last 3 years so much has gotten in my way. And I allowed it. I could give it all up, move away. Never to return. But where’s the life responsibility? How do you tell your brain damaged mother I’m never coming back? Who’s life is in a bad situation… how can I let her life be bad why I try to make mine? So I continue on this path of guilt. 

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The Surviving Battery. 

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I search, I search beyond myself to find what it is I need. Under  the stars, over this hill. It goes on and on. Soon exhaustion takes over me, and I loose control. I need to be fulfilled. So I fight, I kill for food. I steal when I need water. I am human. I pillage for my own life without regard for yours. I reap the soil and suck out it’s life to create my own life. I fight for my own survival. They say it’s survival of the fittest, right? 

But what my inner spirit needs, the whole to my very existence, the battery to my body needs I repress. I am human. I hunger for love. I thirst for desire. Instead of finding life within, I take life from the outside. Of course my body needs maintenance but what kind of maintenance is good to a car that has no battery? It can’t even be started. It’s as though we are all batteries wondering why our cars won’t start. We are looking down in our hood at an empty space where we would, could fit but we are looking for outer sources to try to hook up and while something may work it doesn’t quite fit appropriately, or doesn’t lay very long. 

So we take things that we think fills our life’s. We kill and steal for substantial feelings. When all we need to do it ask. Everything is provided. Everything. 

Yet, our fear hinders our ability to see. Our “desires” of “the hunt” keeps driving us, this minimially efficient battery. But love, true love, our spirit/soul, that’s the true battery to life.  

The Full Moon and Crazy Awesome Dream

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So this weekend is supposed to be when the moon is the closest to the earth, and it’s supposed to be a visionary, healing moon. I have to go outside and meditate when this moon arrives. I need to be there to see if I get a vision, or if it brings up any hidden secrets, or if it shows me something. It could possibly heal my mental aliments and guide me to some where new. Speaking of guiding, I had a dream last night of what I believe it to be a Phoenix, and according to Dreammoods.com it represents, transformation, immortality and renewal. You are moving toward a new phase in your life. It may also mean that your past continues to haunt you.

What was amazing is the pheonix was an AMAZING light blue color and according to dreammoods.com; The presence of this color in your dream may symbolize your spiritual guide and your optimism of the future.

When I looked up to see if there was a real bird like this I found the near-threatened and uncommon Resplendent Quetzal, which has a picture attached. from http://www.besgroup.org/2014/03/28/resplendent-quetazal-pharomachrus-mocinno/

When you look up what they mean, they were known for goodness, light and by the Maya, guides. So either way, I saw my spirit guide last night in my dream. Wow, talk about amazing. I wonder if the full moon has already began to show me what I need to see and give me direction to where I need to go and who I need to be.

Ever since I started school I have never felt more in the right pace as I do now. I’ve been to 4 different colleges and tried many things in life, but nothing ever stood out or made me feel like “this is it” but now I feel like “THIS IS IT”! ! ! ! I also met some one new. I didn’t think I would be able to date someone again for a long time, given the divorce and the old bf… I needed to work on myself but here I am, with this new found guide, this feeling of being exactly where I need to be and finding my way, even if it is small steps to greatness.