Misunderstandings 

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I don’t understand why I get into these moods. I clam shut and if someone were to say something I’d blow up on them or want to hurt myself. It’s like I hate living. But really what is motivation? Motivation to live or to die? You can be motivated to die… it’s super easy though, and humans like to complicate things. I could die..

It’s like my views and perceptions get completely turned upside down. Maybe because I can understand and accept so many others points of view that I have no idea what is my own… but really, my own isn’t worth anything but another’s opinion. If your opinion doesn’t matter then why should mine? 

I feel so helpless, no one can help me because everything anyone says I understand and accept but I don’t allow it to seep inside me. I don’t allow it to penetrate. Like in self defense, I use their words against them… I know how to turn things around, I know how to make nonsense make sense. 

I just don’t understand the point of life when all there is is death, destruction and chaos. Yes there’s love, but not the pure true love. No one can honestly say “I love you unconditionally,” then there’s the: “except if you cheat… then I won’t love you anymore” okay there’s a condiontion. Or “I’ll love you unconditionally, except if you don’t answer me for weeks” there’s a condition. Unconditional love does not exist on this plane, only through this plane. It can’t survive in our minds, because our minds can’t perceive it. So what happens when you do perceive it, -like a near death experience – then come back to reality? Then what? Oh right there’s me… I didn’t have a near death experience, however I was there I felt it, and now again, I’m stuck here on this plane in hell. In this body, in this life. The point is mute. 

Religion is powerful 

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So the question before.. if I knew I lived forever would that make me happy? If you’ve ever seen the Vulgar, yet seemingly true ‘movie,  sausage party the answer is no. In fact,  was the thought of dying after this life should make me live it out more. Who cares what I do because I’m dying anyways. Who cares what happens because I’m dying anyways. But what you and I are impacting is life itself. A push and pull of energy. A life force beyond “us” we are in essence all else that exists. An exsistance of nothing of everything.

Not there

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It’s always always always when you need someone the most they’re unavailable to help you. Even if they are laying right beside you. The heart ache of trying to be there for someone and not fully being there when they need you or when you need them – but really who really needs them anyways? What’s the fucking point of all this when there really is nothing? 

The turtle and the golden yolk almost got me. Time is relative yes? So in another universe a blind turtle lives in the sea and there’s a golden yolk for an ox. And every 100,000 years the blind turtle surfaces. If his head pokes through the golden yolk – a human is born. Well Reality Il y speaking yes that’s a long time for the turtle but not for us. Because humans are being born all over the place. No one is special or unique because guess what? We all bleed red and we all die. I kind of feel like I’m not going to get that “ah ha” moment because im the ultimate. The ultimate thinker. The ultimatum- death. 

You see, everything will eventually in this deminsion parrish into nothing. Our “spirit” lives on to what? Nothingness. What’s the point of living when we are dying? Would I be more happy if I found out I was living forever? Let me check into that… 

Is death our mother? 

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Honestly, 

What’s the point of living if beyond living there is nothing? Beyond dying there is nothing. I don’t see the point in any of it. There is no “heaven” and the heaven that you think is heaven is beyond the self so the you that you are now won’t be then. You don’t experience “pleasure” you experience nothing. Because there isn’t anything. So to bring yourself out of something is the hardest thing. Maybe the glory is killing yourself. 

Maybe that’s how you reach nirvana… but knowing that dying is okay. So if dying is okay – then why do we wait to die? What do we experience pain, suffering and hate only to die? Yes there is love and goodness and joy – but are those even real emotions? I mean chemically speaking yes. All the neurons fire in the brain to create a release of hormones that create an emotion – so truely what is the point of living if death is the ultimate end. Why do I need to go through this suffering of existing when I don’t even need to be me. 

They say we go through a journey of self discovery – but do we ever find ourselves? Who has turkey found themselves? No one – why? Because no one exists. This is all just a made up world in my mind. It’s my world like the one you’re living in is yours. There is no point in “living” only happening. We only “happen” so why not end the happening before the “projected date” the fate of us all lies in dying. We will all die there is no difference in you or me because we both will die. 

Death does not segregate, does not go unpunished, does not hate, isn’t bias, in a twisted way, it loves everyone equal. Maybe the good die young because death loved them more. If death was a mother, everyone would go to her. But why do we all not? Our ego drives us to be contained in this world – to drive us to end with nothing.

Or if death was our mother were we born from her? Absolutely… we are all made from a death of a star, a death of a tree to decompose to make fertilizer to become another tree – a death of a person to become another person. A cycle. A woman’s cycle, our earths cycle. 

And I’m not upset. I don’t say these worlds because I’m mad or angry or sad. Yes events have brought me here but I’ve been this way since I was a child. I remember being upset at 10 years old. For reasons I could never explain. I was in therapy since I was 8-9 and I could never get it “right”. So honestly is a chemical imbalance that you people stay here? Or that I’m still here? What was the first person that came to be say – hmmm I think living is good so I’ll make more. Was it evolution or God? Could it have been both? Are we puppets to a game to inhabit a planet for a few centuries while a slower race (not mentally but timely) measure our chemical reactions?