Thoughts on my thoughts 

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The end result I can never manage to create. I have a story, I begin to write but the words only create a long misunderstanding of what I want to say, what I want the reader to see, to understanding… it’s like having the image of the Mona Lisa in your head and drawing a stick figure upside down. I started with this beautiful story and all that comes out is misrepresented words to the new world. 

It’s like trying to write a book and all I can do is write a summary without giving away the ending because I don’t even know it. I have so much I want to share but expressing it doesn’t come easily. 
Any tips? 

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Being Pulled From Reality

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Time seems to be speeding up as I will soon face plant into a brick wall, then continue on through it. It feels like falling but without reaching terminal velosity.

When you fall normally, it feels as though you are leaving the place in which you stood. You’re being separated from the stable ground to the dyer attempts to stand again. You fall to your side with a heavy head to plunge face forward. You normally don’t feel the pull of the gravity that pulls you from where you stood. You think of loosing your balance and simply falling fretfully but here I was pulled from stability. 

A while ago when I lived on the west coast of USA, I turned into someone I fear to this day. A woman that didn’t take life seriously, who would rather die than to face reality. 

As the moon rose in the sky and her face pressed against the push of wind from the rawring ocean, her tears went dry as did her mind. Numb and alone. Hair follicules stood at attention to the push off the winter wind.  Waves crashed onto the beach and surrounding rocks; she stepped forward. Her mind blank and focused, she smelled the salty condensed air of the Pacific Ocean, the moonlight tinkling the waves as they ricocheted off the large rocks, she continued forward. Into the freezing ocean she walked, she felt her boots fill up with thickening desire. Initializing shock from the water, her body made the attempt to stay warm and shiver but her mind refused to shake. Like the sinking titanic, water began to rise with no possible outlet. Her mind was her sinking ship, why not have a body to fit? 

Unsteadily she tripped over coral reefs towards the towering rocks filling her jacket with a salty calm, her eyes fixed on the Boulder ahead. With her feet numb, she forced herself up on the neighboring boulder. She rose out of the sea while the tide came in violently crashing onto her rock. The darkness did not show her the space between the rock and her target boulder and she slipped between them. Her throat filling with ocean and the waves pouring on top of her. She grasped for the rock and slowly climbed. The cold rock stealing the little warmth from her body through her hands, she reached the top. Shivering from the short journey she looked down around her at the waves growing to pull her into their home. To make her one with the sea at last. They cheered for her bravery, the ocean audience grew louder as her decision was made final. 

She closed her eyes and swayed with the wind remembering all her desires scuba diving to be one with the sea. She smiled at those memories to be put to sleep. Even more memories came penetrating her thoughts of warmth with clouded skies and black cold. She quickly opened her eyes yet the darkness sourrounded her. That darkness of cold and of skies. The numbing darkness she felt when she began.

She looked out past the crashing waves onto the horizon where calm overtook her. She paused and for the first time felt relief. Beyond the crashing of the waves and the push of violent, cold winds, she saw peace. She saw a glimmer of hope. But again looking down the waves calling to her; just one step they said as they sprayed there cold welcoming onto her face. Just one slip and you’ll be home. 
She looked out again now conflicted with hope and desire. A hope for calm, and a desire for a peaceful end. But how peaceful would that end be? Being pushed into rocks until she fell unconscious only to wake up to her choking on her decision to go down with no way out – a divers worse fear. She turned for the first time and looked back toward the beach. Her stomach was uneasy. Her boots squished as she adjusted her weight from one foot to the other, a cold shiver went up her spine. She closed her eyes tight. She had lost her mind. 

Hope for me

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SOOOOO just about everything has resurfaced. Sometimes in class, people will ignore me, everyone. I know that seems selfish and I try to just let it go but when it’s becoming more frequent and all the time. It’s hard to learn when I can’t ask questions to the teacher. I don’t talk a lot and my questions seem valid. IDK. thats one issue. Another thing that happened – my ex talked to me about how much he missed me and how he was wrong – we both were. we were both at fault. But this time he wanted to tell me how much I had made a difference in his life. how I encouraged him to go to school and I was super supportive and if it weren’t for me he wouldn’t have complete college. I’m unsure how to take that. and then someone called me about a program over the phone for people like me – depressed, coaching, life therapy – more stuff resurfaced. THEN someone calls me and tells me to say “don’t you dare go back down there. Don’t get pregnant you can’t handle that in your life right now, and you better not quite school, you need to complete something in your life… WOW OUCH! the next day I didn’t go to school – first day I’ve missed all year. Then I go to see my mom – shes brain damaged and can’t really think or function “normally” well she has to live with my aunt and grandfather, and they have been saying awful things to her – she doesn’t know any better, and she can’t help some of the things she does – why do they need to pick on her and push her down – wen she was talking to me I had to leave bc I started crying.

Then my bf and I were playing games together but my computer broke so I wasn’t able to play – I work 40 hours a week plus phone calls on nights and weekends and I go to school till 11 pm 3 days a week. Well one night when I get home from school, I say I’m tired and I would like to go to bed, he continues to play till midnight – I can’t sleep. I ask him to come to bed with me. He does but he doesn’t seem happy about it. I ask him if it’s okay he said yea, he’s just not tired – he falls asleep before me. I’m laying in bed awake – can’t sleep, can’t think straight. I just felt like I didn’t want to do this anymore. I just wanted to get up and leave right then. Say you know what – I was right I wasn’t ready for a relationship and just leave – but I didn’t want to make any rash decisions so I tried to talk it out with him – didn’t work so we just had sex and I was finally able to go to sleep.

I’ve been having weird awful dreams lately too… all this within the last 5 days…

I have been trying to read a new book that helps with being centered aware/present awareness/oneness. all that. and I’m trying to practice it. but last night just iced the cake and I wanted to just go far away. IDK where but just far.

WOW! ! what a Transformation!

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SO It has been a long while since I have written in my blog. I have been on this incredible journey to bettering myself spiritually, I can say I have “recovered” from my ED. Although the thoughts still plague me they have no control. They are people who make comments but I try my best to ignore them. I love myself for who I am and what I have done. I live better in the moment. I am learning everyday to love myself and to be here for others. I’ve been through so much and now I want to help others. I can say for the last 5 months I have had TRUE growth within myself and I am happy to be alive!

As these thoughts wash through my mind all I do is allow them to pass, and as I have gained weight and it does “hurt” my pride, I have to also let that go. My ego and my pride can hurt me.

It’s not all fun and games all the time, I still struggle but I do not struggle as much, and through my struggles I grow. The best way to deal with mistakes is to learn from them and not do it again. I am still learning this to.

I have found an amazing family through networking and it has helped me grow even more. I try to meditate everyday. I believe in a previous post I posted that I was going to start mediation in attempts to alleviate my anxiety and depression, well its worked. I also have read many books on my journey through meditation. I now believe in the Oneness within the world and I am living each day.

Lately I have been going through a “weird” time. I know its growth I just haven’t figured it out yet so it’s taxing. I’ve learned so much and it’s hard to absorb it all at once. HAHA!

Some books I have read to help me grow, but in spirit and in mental health.

The 4 Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz (plus the Voice of knowledge, and the 5th agreement and the mastery of love)

Zen Mind Beginnners mind.

The 3 Pillars of zen

Osho books – all of them are good but I am currently reading Love Freedom Aloneness.

I am also reading abook on mindfulness.

I turned vegan as well in support of my “Be the Change in the world you want to see” Giving up food wasn’t the hard part it’s the realization to the fact of what we are doing to the planet, animals and life on earth- it’s destroying us!

Repeats

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So if no one has figured it out already, I’m on an emotional roller coaster… Recovering from EDNOS (which idk that I ever can get over), major depressive disorder, anxiety, PTSD, BPD and whatever else they tell me. But I refuse to live by these titles and have them own my life. What happened in the past hurt me and the experiences give me these titles, but yielding to these titles instead of embracing them and learning about them only forces me down a deeper hole that has not been dug yet.

So instead of hiding behind these titles, I’m going to learn about them, find THEIR weaknesses, not mine, so I can defeat them. Although this is easy to write, as my followers can see it’s not easily done. But I still stand here before you and I’m still alive! I’m still battling these demonic titles that plague to hinder me from reality. Yes BPD isn’t something I can “just get over” I am aware of that, however I will continued to grow in wisdom and see what patterns there are in others with it and my own so I can learn to take control when my mind wants to do something that is not of sound health for me, myself and I.

If any of you suffer from BPD I recommend the book “I hate you, don’t leave me” I’m only in the beginning but it gives you an idea about what people go through.

For example, there was a girl who complained about feeling like having a heart attack… She went to the hospital to find nothing. They could only pin it down to major anxiety issuses. Not 2 months before I picked up the book the SAME EXACT thing happened to me. But I was also recently diagnosed with asthma but I had felt these “chest pains” for as long as I can remember. It just got so bad to the point where I couldn’t move very well and the obvious sign of pain shooting down my arm was a sign to go to the hospital only to find they thought I was crazy. Everything was fine, blood work, X-ray, the whole shabang…. Normal… Cause=anxiety.

I found this new thing I want to try it’s called binaural beats. Here’s a link if your curious

http://www.collective-evolution.com/2013/10/15/how-to-get-high-without-drugs/

You use it as meditation techniques for the minds that never rest (aka mine) so I’m going to try this tomorrow. I just need to get some good headphones to work with it.

Is it possible?

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Okay so my husband came home to find that I was ready to walk out and cut myself and that I was ready to run away again, for the third time of our relationship. I was ready to run, to where IDK, to do what IDK, to live I don’t know how. But I was ready. Something kept me. He told me that I needed to read the book he got me from when I was first in the hospital. A Meditation Book. I picked it up and it said that I could use it to stop my anxiety, my depression, my lethargy and could turn it all around. Is that possible? I’m going to keep an open mind about it so please no negative comments because medication is 90% mental. If it does work we will see how long it last. I really want to go back to school and become a RN. it’s been my dream since I graduated honors in High school. so right now I’ll try whatever. I’ll keep everyone posted of course.