Failure

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I’m a failure. No doubt. I went home. I didn’t stay. I dream of things that only normal people can have. I have relapsed into my ED and cutting. My family allows me to live here but are unsupportive and drunks. I wanna drink and drown everything out but I cut and not eat instead. But when I do allow myself to drink one day I’m going to get hammered I bet… So I just don’t drink unless it’s a glass of wine.

I dream of doing normal things, like having a family or kids, but I know that it’s improbable bc of my disorder. I can’t live with myself and I can’t with without anyone. But I can’t live with anyone without being able to love myself. So here I am alone and helpless… Suicidial again. How do I go to work and put a smile on when I have this hate inside myself? I just want it to be over… What’s the point of living if living is a prison in my mind? And no one can fix it but me and I don’t know how. I have no control over anything and I’m finding it hard to get out of bed again. I hate myself.

I just want to curl up in a ball and stare into nothingness. I can’t shake this funk. But when I have I ever been able to? Even when I was there I probably was just putting on a face to make it happy. But I can’t do it on my own. I can’t be happy on my own. Idk how. I’m stuck in this awful world inside my head that no one loves me, but I can’t live unless someone loves me… So it’s a conundrum of wanting love that I don’t believe is there…

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Sacrifice…

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What sacrifice is worth giving up the memories for the war inside your head? do you remember the battle or the memories that the battle ruins? which should be sacrifice by medication? the memories or the battle inside your head…? I wanna just break down and cry but I feel too tired… too exhausted to even blink correctly. but onward I go and onward I will remain forever.

I feel like I’m loosing my ground. I wanna scream and cry and kick and throw and break things and I still just always keep a level head because I know that the consequences of those actions are not worth the little outburst of “feeling-better” that I get from doing them. I wish that I could just stop having all these thoughts and feelings and get to living a normal live but there is no such thing as a normal life for me.

I have never experienced one and I fear I never will. However there is new hope in my life, I’m just waiting for the roots to take but the weather right now isn’t helping me allow the roots to grab hold on the prefect soil that I have before me. I have to be patient. I have to hold on and take it day by day. Sacrifice each minute of hate for a minute of love.

Sooo… Again

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I’m at my lowest weight, which to me is still pretty high, 105.6 I’m 5’2. I hate being fat. I want to be in the double digits.

Since this is my first post I will tell you a bit about me. I got out of the hospital last month on a suicidal attempt. i know it was just an attempt I wasn’t strong enough to go all the way. i’m depressed, I have anxiety, PTSD… etc… I just got my dog certified in to go with me everywhere as an emotional support dog which is nice. she is just a puppy still. I love her a lot. I dont really know what else to say. I’m in a down mood today… i guess i just started this to kind of talk to no one and everyone at the same time jsut to get it out, and just talk… therapy isn’t really helping me. My husband does. I am so thankful for him.

I need more help I don’t think the meds that the my psychiatrist has me on is working correctly. idk… I just… sigh. i think I may have Boarderline personality disorder. so one doctor says…. but who knows right?