So I may not be meditating everyday or even once a week, but somehow I am off my meds. When my husband admitted me again because he “didn’t know what to do” and I was “out of his boundaries” with the help I needed he sent me away to the hospital. This is not who I seek to find comfort in. We are to leave and separate our lives. He has given up on us, on me… Which I guess should have been expected because this is what all men do to me. My father, my boyfriends, my friends, and now my husband. This is the time for me to regain my self-worth. I am done with giving people me and leaving none of me for myself. It is time for me to stop all of this. For three days I lay in bed sleeping not eating or drinking to get off my meds. For 8 days I was dizzy and couldn’t focus.
I am mad with grief, I know not how to handle such a feeling. All my life I have grieved in denial and in hate. This time I battle myself to forget it all together. I do not need the 5 steps if the grieving process if I learn to love myself and just forgive. But that is what is the strongest is my self-hate. It’s pathetic and pitiful but I need to reminds self that I can not help anyone if I can’t help myself. I need to learn that loving myself is more important in my life than loving another. Because how can I love another if I have no room to love myself? I have been reading about my problem…
Screw the meds, screw the doctors, I’m done with falling into my own diagnoses if this BPD… I can control what it is that I fear… What it is that I feel. The chemical imbalance in my brain makes it harder, but I must continue. My days are long and my heart hurts, but I must make it through.
I cry when I least expect and I fail when I feel the strongest. But persistence will get me through, I must not give up even when I fail.
I’m trying to find a job to get on my own feet and I’m planning on going back to school in the spring. Please wish me luck. This is going to be a battle for me. I will have no one person to hold on to, no one by my side to help me. No meds to calm me. This will be me and my natural form, my natural, Creator-given life. I must do it to know that I can, to know that I strong. I am weak and fragile now. I must stick to my plan, remember my goals daily and be kind to myself.