Papers to Describe Me

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He gave me two stacks of paper. This man in a white coat holds the power to label my insanity. He tells me to go back to my room and read them to see which one I thought discribed me better… how am I supposed to know? He’s the doctor anyway. I held in my hands this banquet of words lined perfectly with pictures of sad women and men, looking out of a window trying to escape their mind, when I feel all they really want is to escape slavery. 

I gentlely grip the papers as he continues to speak to me in mindless words that seem to be a manuscript for all the inpatients. I feel as though every smile ever expressed on my face is now falling with my down turned lips. The gravity of society, pulls them away from the gentle crows feet wrinkles from my eyes that I so willingly expressed as a child. Running through the woods singing with the birds and absorbing all the suns rays through the canopy. As I breath in now to find I’m stuck with barred windows and bolted doors and I wish I could be free. 

Not just free from this prison of “sanity”, by this cookie cutter of humans this medication turns me into. I don’t want to be normal. I want to live! I want to feel alive. Not the alive you get with an adrenaline rush the alive feeling that comes with being free to choose, without laws and regulations. I feel like I knew that time. I feel like I still know. Like I’m waiting for a ship to become visible to take me away to my real home. 

Yet, I sit in this seat across this man telling me what I am, not who I am, in this description of how people should act in this society. Fuck that. 

Rage begins to boil inside my being. I want to reach across the room and rip the man apart who talks in a monotone voice, with no reason, about who he thinks I am. I want to scream and tell him to shut the fuck up, to ask him if he even knows he’s being a conformist to a “man” who no one sees. 

All my muscles relax before I show him my rage and I’m stuck in this hole longer than I’m gifted. My whole body relaxes, it’s like poison running through my veins paralyzingly me, burning holes and leaking my life force out into my muscles. They want so badly to contract, but my brain shuts out the will to move. I’m frozen with anger. I’m frozen to society’s grip on me. 

I finally hear something that’s like “you’re free to go”. Free?! How is going back out of your office into a hall wall with other locked rooms free?  Unlike some of the patients here I am not threatening enough to be in a straight jacket, but this level of the building I don’t think anyone is straight jacketed. 

One person I remember screaming and yelling one night. I feared he would come into my room, hurt me. Rape me. My mind wandered to the possibilities of what he could do before any of the nurses could get to him, and even if they could, would they be able to stop him? Panic filled me with escape routes. I couldn’t escape. Illogical imagination  filled my head with what would happen. The next day I wake up with no recollection of ever falling asleep. What happened to him? To me? What is this place? He wasn’t anywhere to be seen in any of the groups or therapies. And as my mind wonders it becomes unrealistic. 

They took him away to the lower level below ground where no screams can be heard and they practice illegal treatments to reduce rage in “the rebellious” for the coming when we all uprise against “the man” and take back our Mother…

Okay I’m laying down again. But as I lay in my bed the papers are still in my hand unaware until now. I sit up again. My memory of this is fogged. I feel as though I’m locked in a room filled with a single light to give me a dimmed view of the words. I’m locked in a cell with no way to see, hear or speak to the outside world. I’m confined to a lonely chair with a Lonely table. Cold Shackles cross my arms and feet. I can’t move till I finish these nonsensical paragraphs of who I am being labeled as. He wants me to tell him later which stack of paper describes me the best, as I believe I am. 

As I read these papers I’m filled with the belief I am those things.  I’m a “borderline” I have PTSD. Both of them fit who I am, what makes me. The chain breaks and I am released back into my room. I believe what he says. 
There’s therapy session after therapy session, and after those; groups and things to learn to put in our tool box to fit into society better. 

I walk out of my room. Groups and therapy are mandatory your first inpatient visit. I slump, head down, defeated. Shoulders turned inward. I hated this place even more. My child inside kicks and screams as I repressed her; she cries to be set free. To rebel. I silence her. She can not live here. 

Thoughts on my thoughts 

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The end result I can never manage to create. I have a story, I begin to write but the words only create a long misunderstanding of what I want to say, what I want the reader to see, to understanding… it’s like having the image of the Mona Lisa in your head and drawing a stick figure upside down. I started with this beautiful story and all that comes out is misrepresented words to the new world. 

It’s like trying to write a book and all I can do is write a summary without giving away the ending because I don’t even know it. I have so much I want to share but expressing it doesn’t come easily. 
Any tips? 

Being Pulled From Reality

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Time seems to be speeding up as I will soon face plant into a brick wall, then continue on through it. It feels like falling but without reaching terminal velosity.

When you fall normally, it feels as though you are leaving the place in which you stood. You’re being separated from the stable ground to the dyer attempts to stand again. You fall to your side with a heavy head to plunge face forward. You normally don’t feel the pull of the gravity that pulls you from where you stood. You think of loosing your balance and simply falling fretfully but here I was pulled from stability. 

A while ago when I lived on the west coast of USA, I turned into someone I fear to this day. A woman that didn’t take life seriously, who would rather die than to face reality. 

As the moon rose in the sky and her face pressed against the push of wind from the rawring ocean, her tears went dry as did her mind. Numb and alone. Hair follicules stood at attention to the push off the winter wind.  Waves crashed onto the beach and surrounding rocks; she stepped forward. Her mind blank and focused, she smelled the salty condensed air of the Pacific Ocean, the moonlight tinkling the waves as they ricocheted off the large rocks, she continued forward. Into the freezing ocean she walked, she felt her boots fill up with thickening desire. Initializing shock from the water, her body made the attempt to stay warm and shiver but her mind refused to shake. Like the sinking titanic, water began to rise with no possible outlet. Her mind was her sinking ship, why not have a body to fit? 

Unsteadily she tripped over coral reefs towards the towering rocks filling her jacket with a salty calm, her eyes fixed on the Boulder ahead. With her feet numb, she forced herself up on the neighboring boulder. She rose out of the sea while the tide came in violently crashing onto her rock. The darkness did not show her the space between the rock and her target boulder and she slipped between them. Her throat filling with ocean and the waves pouring on top of her. She grasped for the rock and slowly climbed. The cold rock stealing the little warmth from her body through her hands, she reached the top. Shivering from the short journey she looked down around her at the waves growing to pull her into their home. To make her one with the sea at last. They cheered for her bravery, the ocean audience grew louder as her decision was made final. 

She closed her eyes and swayed with the wind remembering all her desires scuba diving to be one with the sea. She smiled at those memories to be put to sleep. Even more memories came penetrating her thoughts of warmth with clouded skies and black cold. She quickly opened her eyes yet the darkness sourrounded her. That darkness of cold and of skies. The numbing darkness she felt when she began.

She looked out past the crashing waves onto the horizon where calm overtook her. She paused and for the first time felt relief. Beyond the crashing of the waves and the push of violent, cold winds, she saw peace. She saw a glimmer of hope. But again looking down the waves calling to her; just one step they said as they sprayed there cold welcoming onto her face. Just one slip and you’ll be home. 
She looked out again now conflicted with hope and desire. A hope for calm, and a desire for a peaceful end. But how peaceful would that end be? Being pushed into rocks until she fell unconscious only to wake up to her choking on her decision to go down with no way out – a divers worse fear. She turned for the first time and looked back toward the beach. Her stomach was uneasy. Her boots squished as she adjusted her weight from one foot to the other, a cold shiver went up her spine. She closed her eyes tight. She had lost her mind. 

Peace on Earth

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The relativity of time, the balance of life. The perceptions of each and the ghosts of the things unknown. Living in a world full of misunderstandings and teachings of absurdity. We misunderstand because one “has to be right”; it’s “my way or the high way”  I feel there’s little acceptance of any of it. Respect the nature of all existence, of all people, of all and any life – including that of the smallest insect. Who am I to take or to judge or to hate? It’s your way, but I have mine – don’t send me to the high way because it’s not the same as our way. I’ll still see you on the other side regardless of endless bliss, heaven, nirvana, joy, love, peace where ego, self, space and time are no longer in existence to any matter (and I mean that as physical and rational matter). We are all here to experience. Simple but complex. Peace is every breath, and every moment between. 

Who to Look to

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Life has shown me a new way to look at myself. I continuously look at others and what others are doing how they act, how they think, why they do things, their motivations, but I never seem to look at my own. During this new journey I have realized that I need to be within my own body, within my own mind. I need to stop focusing on the outside, whether it be my mind, body, or spirit – I need to look inside and stop my outer thoughts.

Once I begin to think about someone else I need to redirect my thoughts – what they do has no affect on me unless I allow it. I create this worry, or this distraction from myself because I allow it. I’m not “in-tune” with myself because I’m not allowing it.

I’ve been better the last few days with listening to when I’m hungry and when I’m full. I’ve felt better, and I’ve felt more confident. I wore a tank top to the gym (which I can hardly ever do). But if I can’t love my body now, how can I love it when I reach my goal weight? or “desired body” if I can’t love it now, then I won’t be able to ever accomplish a desired body. I want to be fit and lean. I want to be flexible and graceful.

All this is within me, not someone else. I need to look up to the person I can be, not a different person altogether.

I continuously look up to my higher self.

I am a better person than I was yesterday.

I am happy, healthy and free from holding myself back.

I let life flow through me.

 

Less IS More

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This can be taken in a multitude of different ways, such as friends I would much more rather have QUALITY over quantity. Or materials, because I have not become attached to materials anymore I appreciate the things I do have much more even though there is less I feel more full. Take a moment and really feel what this could be speaking to you-you might need to lessen something in your life to make room for higher personal growth 🙂 ❤

I would wish you luck; but in truth I believe that is the energy you put into your positive thoughts that transform to positive actions that reflect positive karma that make our day good, so instead think happy thoughts today and every day of your life, even in bad situations bc your thoughts will change any perception.

My ME journey

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So I started taking care of number one- me! The first thing is positive words, saying what you want has an effect on how you react. Every action has a reaction so if I say “I hope” instead of “I will” then I’m leaving room for failure. So first things first! I will become more intune with ME and I will succeed! Even if there is a bad day, I will continue to improve and set my life straight! No more negativity!

I got into a fight with the ex today but instead of hurting and yelling at him, I allowed myself to experience these emotions of hurt and pain and I understood that he too has pain hurt jealously etc. so instead of making it worse for Me I allowed myself to just let the hurt fill my lower body with fire and I let it go. Through out the whole conversation while he was angry with me, I continued to release this energy from the fire pit in my stomach and I just “was”. This fight/conversation I knew would end and I will continue to live while he would dwell and I felt sorry for him. What was done was done and I wasn’t going to go back to a relationship of ups and downs. I’m in it for me and thats what I’m doing.

Since this experience of realization- yesterday- I have been happy about everything. I met the most amazing person who taught me so much about how I need to do this and he has had amazing success with his. So I’m am “being” here in this moment right now as I write you at this coffee shop, I have no money, my phone and debit card was stolen I’m in large amounts of debt but I’m here and I’m enjoying writing to possibly be some help to someone somewhere. I will think about those problems, but it’s only a thing an action that I must do at some point. And I’m not doing it now – so why think about it other than tell you what I’m doing to help myself. I didn’t buy a smart phone, I bought an old flip phone. Why bother and waste my time on needless things that make me worry and waste my time. Yea people can post wonderful stuff but how does that help me when nothing is helpful to ME?!?

I will continue to live in this moment and I will enjoy my time here. I refuse to spend my time on useless things.