What IS Reality?!

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It is but a dream, a perception of the senses that create a chemical compound to create an image or emotion. Like music in a car or a motion picture. How is it that the “energy” from a computer chip creates a sound or an image that creates a real emotion? But it’s not in front of you, yet this emotion from the music or movie feels real. It pulls you in, you get into a funk after a sad or crazy one, one that makes you think. 

So what different in a trauma of a dream, and real life? This is in my head – all the senses penatrating my brain. Sight, smell, taste, touch and hearing. All of my dreams are real. How is it that I can’t determine the real world and the dream world? I wake up to a familiar scene but that familiar scene can be one of a “reoccurring dream” so I implore what is the real reality? Isnt it that a scene is so monumental in a movie that it’s pulls you closer into the screen? You can’t turn away because of the depth of your feelings – you have no idea who or what is around you – only this moment in a movie. It’s a moment in my mind of these senses that captivate me in this world. How is it that I feel like I can feel other worlds? 
They exist, I’m not talking about aliens, yes those are quite possible – but I’m not all about it, obsessed that they do, I entertain the thought because how is it that I could ever know? Honestly? How is it that I know anything? How can my brain store more or less than yours? How does someone remember something but not another? Chemicals, emotions, feelings. It’s the self. This ego, this soul.  

I, I, i, i, i…. me me ME! That’s how. This is hell. This reality in which we are punished from oneness. 

Dreams; hell. Senses; hell. Life; hell. 

I’m the Bible it says hell is a burning firing pits. That pit in your stomach? That heat when you’re angry? Anger is love’s fear. God IS love. Anger is the separation from God. So here I am living in this hell with only a glimpse of what true love really is. What GOD is. What I’m meant to be – with God. Not as a me or I, but as in love morphed into nothingness and everythingness with God. Because we are made in his “image” in which our human language can’t properly communicate. 

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Peace on Earth

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The relativity of time, the balance of life. The perceptions of each and the ghosts of the things unknown. Living in a world full of misunderstandings and teachings of absurdity. We misunderstand because one “has to be right”; it’s “my way or the high way”  I feel there’s little acceptance of any of it. Respect the nature of all existence, of all people, of all and any life – including that of the smallest insect. Who am I to take or to judge or to hate? It’s your way, but I have mine – don’t send me to the high way because it’s not the same as our way. I’ll still see you on the other side regardless of endless bliss, heaven, nirvana, joy, love, peace where ego, self, space and time are no longer in existence to any matter (and I mean that as physical and rational matter). We are all here to experience. Simple but complex. Peace is every breath, and every moment between. 

Who to Look to

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Life has shown me a new way to look at myself. I continuously look at others and what others are doing how they act, how they think, why they do things, their motivations, but I never seem to look at my own. During this new journey I have realized that I need to be within my own body, within my own mind. I need to stop focusing on the outside, whether it be my mind, body, or spirit – I need to look inside and stop my outer thoughts.

Once I begin to think about someone else I need to redirect my thoughts – what they do has no affect on me unless I allow it. I create this worry, or this distraction from myself because I allow it. I’m not “in-tune” with myself because I’m not allowing it.

I’ve been better the last few days with listening to when I’m hungry and when I’m full. I’ve felt better, and I’ve felt more confident. I wore a tank top to the gym (which I can hardly ever do). But if I can’t love my body now, how can I love it when I reach my goal weight? or “desired body” if I can’t love it now, then I won’t be able to ever accomplish a desired body. I want to be fit and lean. I want to be flexible and graceful.

All this is within me, not someone else. I need to look up to the person I can be, not a different person altogether.

I continuously look up to my higher self.

I am a better person than I was yesterday.

I am happy, healthy and free from holding myself back.

I let life flow through me.

 

New Beginings – eating habits

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So, as life would have it, I have finished school, passed my state exams, and am on my way to becoming an LMT. I am so proud of myself for accomplishing something so big (to me). I need to remind myself and stay strong.

A new path means new transformations and new everything really. I know I have been wishy washy with what I think I want. Today I had a lot of triggers, a lot of unwanted “things” and I felt horrible and yea today was an awakening day for me to say the least. How can I be a person that people want to heal them if I’m still struggling on working on me. The good thing is I am able to turn it off when I work on others – it’s strange, but maybe that’s why I love it so much is because of my ability to “turn it off” when I’m creating space for someone. I love creating that space for them.

So if you have actually been following me, you will know that I have a past ED. Well today, as it would go an old friend from Hugh School reconnected with me and when I saw her, it was like her energy was scrambled, like I couldn’t look into her eyes, but i don’t know if that was my “uneasiness” about being around her – i didn’t recognize her bc she was SO skinny. Granted she’s taller than me so it’s easy to look super super skinny, then she starts talking to me about her diet, like shes ready to change out of her “not eating ways” but said it very nonchalantly, like 8 years will come crashing down of her ED (i saw signs of it in high school) and she’ll be able to change her habits by changing to a vegan diet… she asked me what I ate all the time… I couldn’t answer… i couldn’t even answer to myself, like hey that’s what I ate today… I am refocusing my mind towards food. Food is good. Food is nourishing. I am not glutteness. I am healthy. I am strong.

My problem is (and has been for a long time) that i think the number on the scale is the best thing for me… I just really want to be healthy and happy. for some reason I am unable to feel happy when I feel like I weigh so much. I’m not overweight, i’m not “fat” I’m just not super skinny. I would like to go through a new journey. A journey through self-realization through my poor (soon to be good) eating habits.

I want to go on a spiritual meditation journey to allow myself healing through the body. I need to get massages/bodywork 2x a month and get better understanding of myself ❤

Like most people I make excuses for things for fear of judgement, fear of rejection. I dont eat meat, dairy, or eggs. I’m vegan (but I eat honey). how much more judgemental can people get with me? lol That’s a lot to make fun of someone for yet here I am stuffing my face with the “unhealthy” vegan items. Did you know oreos are technically vegan? thats right look on the back, there is no milk or eggs in them… but i digress. my goal is to become more health/food conscious in a positive uplifting and rejuvenating way. It all starts right MEOW!

The Full Moon and Crazy Awesome Dream

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So this weekend is supposed to be when the moon is the closest to the earth, and it’s supposed to be a visionary, healing moon. I have to go outside and meditate when this moon arrives. I need to be there to see if I get a vision, or if it brings up any hidden secrets, or if it shows me something. It could possibly heal my mental aliments and guide me to some where new. Speaking of guiding, I had a dream last night of what I believe it to be a Phoenix, and according to Dreammoods.com it represents, transformation, immortality and renewal. You are moving toward a new phase in your life. It may also mean that your past continues to haunt you.

What was amazing is the pheonix was an AMAZING light blue color and according to dreammoods.com; The presence of this color in your dream may symbolize your spiritual guide and your optimism of the future.

When I looked up to see if there was a real bird like this I found the near-threatened and uncommon Resplendent Quetzal, which has a picture attached. from http://www.besgroup.org/2014/03/28/resplendent-quetazal-pharomachrus-mocinno/

When you look up what they mean, they were known for goodness, light and by the Maya, guides. So either way, I saw my spirit guide last night in my dream. Wow, talk about amazing. I wonder if the full moon has already began to show me what I need to see and give me direction to where I need to go and who I need to be.

Ever since I started school I have never felt more in the right pace as I do now. I’ve been to 4 different colleges and tried many things in life, but nothing ever stood out or made me feel like “this is it” but now I feel like “THIS IS IT”! ! ! ! I also met some one new. I didn’t think I would be able to date someone again for a long time, given the divorce and the old bf… I needed to work on myself but here I am, with this new found guide, this feeling of being exactly where I need to be and finding my way, even if it is small steps to greatness.

WOW! ! what a Transformation!

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SO It has been a long while since I have written in my blog. I have been on this incredible journey to bettering myself spiritually, I can say I have “recovered” from my ED. Although the thoughts still plague me they have no control. They are people who make comments but I try my best to ignore them. I love myself for who I am and what I have done. I live better in the moment. I am learning everyday to love myself and to be here for others. I’ve been through so much and now I want to help others. I can say for the last 5 months I have had TRUE growth within myself and I am happy to be alive!

As these thoughts wash through my mind all I do is allow them to pass, and as I have gained weight and it does “hurt” my pride, I have to also let that go. My ego and my pride can hurt me.

It’s not all fun and games all the time, I still struggle but I do not struggle as much, and through my struggles I grow. The best way to deal with mistakes is to learn from them and not do it again. I am still learning this to.

I have found an amazing family through networking and it has helped me grow even more. I try to meditate everyday. I believe in a previous post I posted that I was going to start mediation in attempts to alleviate my anxiety and depression, well its worked. I also have read many books on my journey through meditation. I now believe in the Oneness within the world and I am living each day.

Lately I have been going through a “weird” time. I know its growth I just haven’t figured it out yet so it’s taxing. I’ve learned so much and it’s hard to absorb it all at once. HAHA!

Some books I have read to help me grow, but in spirit and in mental health.

The 4 Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz (plus the Voice of knowledge, and the 5th agreement and the mastery of love)

Zen Mind Beginnners mind.

The 3 Pillars of zen

Osho books – all of them are good but I am currently reading Love Freedom Aloneness.

I am also reading abook on mindfulness.

I turned vegan as well in support of my “Be the Change in the world you want to see” Giving up food wasn’t the hard part it’s the realization to the fact of what we are doing to the planet, animals and life on earth- it’s destroying us!

Less IS More

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This can be taken in a multitude of different ways, such as friends I would much more rather have QUALITY over quantity. Or materials, because I have not become attached to materials anymore I appreciate the things I do have much more even though there is less I feel more full. Take a moment and really feel what this could be speaking to you-you might need to lessen something in your life to make room for higher personal growth 🙂 ❤

I would wish you luck; but in truth I believe that is the energy you put into your positive thoughts that transform to positive actions that reflect positive karma that make our day good, so instead think happy thoughts today and every day of your life, even in bad situations bc your thoughts will change any perception.