Beyond the Moment


Here in my world, I live in a fantasy surrounded by non-fiction that’s created a time in which I am and made room for the space in which I take. I grew into this space. From a sperm and egg to the giant being. Breathing and cycling into this world of what may or may not even exist. A life in which I no longer truly belong. A life where my mind enters a state of “becoming”. A life where governmental teachings have become living instead of being alive.

In this moment all is, and all ever will, but time slows it down and makes us perceive what isn’t more than one big explosion. We are that a snap shoot of what will never exist. A photograph of the universe’s play-out. Beyond this there is everything our minds can not perceive. And incase you’re wondering, you can not think it, because if you can think it; it is. What I’m talking about it beyond what we could even fathom. And it’s so complex it doesn’t exist, and it doesn’t exist because I can think it. The very existence of the thought of nothing makes it something.

So what is it?

We are so caught up in the trends or fashion or social media we forget that life happens beyond our puny little selfs. Someone asked me today where they might find some cute boutique clothes; first of all, I have no idea what “boutique” clothes are and secondly just because I’m a girl doesn’t mean I have a fashion sense: because I have ZERO style. I don’t understand jewelry unless there’s a meaning behind wearing it. I mean what’s the point of buying expensive jewelry if it’s just for looks. How do you benefit from that other than spending your money? And that isn’t even benefiting!!! Honestly, our priorities are so out of whack it’s ridiculous.


Dreams vs Reality. 


It’s is possible that dreams overlap reality? As I drove my car a dream took over all the senses and it was like I was living the dream while I drove but it was my “reality” I know I’m awake… right? I mean as I type this I’m in “my reality” and it was here that my dream overlapped. It’s not the first time it’s happened i just never knew how to explain it till now. It’s not dejavú – it’s not that it happened before, but a man was in my dream was a truck in my reality, a stop sign a door… it overlapped I knew what both were there was definite distinction between the two. 

I have a theory/viewpoint on how this “reality” is. It’s close to Mayans and Shamans and how we live in a dream. Everything that happens happenes within, everything I experience is because of the perception that it’s exists – but just like a dream it’s “not real ” but it is at the same time. Like non-duality. Something can’t exist without the other but nothing exists at the same time. I believe in string theory too where everything is connected in energy. If I move my arm I pull on someone else string across the universe. I have that much of an affect. But in another plane it’s not real, but it is. 

So anyway as my dreams overlap with reality I find myself having trouble understanding life… what is the point? As I view space we are so minute yet here we are worried about our hair or what clothes we wear. We are so bound by our own gravity we can’t look up to see the stars. 

What IS Reality?!


It is but a dream, a perception of the senses that create a chemical compound to create an image or emotion. Like music in a car or a motion picture. How is it that the “energy” from a computer chip creates a sound or an image that creates a real emotion? But it’s not in front of you, yet this emotion from the music or movie feels real. It pulls you in, you get into a funk after a sad or crazy one, one that makes you think. 

So what different in a trauma of a dream, and real life? This is in my head – all the senses penatrating my brain. Sight, smell, taste, touch and hearing. All of my dreams are real. How is it that I can’t determine the real world and the dream world? I wake up to a familiar scene but that familiar scene can be one of a “reoccurring dream” so I implore what is the real reality? Isnt it that a scene is so monumental in a movie that it’s pulls you closer into the screen? You can’t turn away because of the depth of your feelings – you have no idea who or what is around you – only this moment in a movie. It’s a moment in my mind of these senses that captivate me in this world. How is it that I feel like I can feel other worlds? 
They exist, I’m not talking about aliens, yes those are quite possible – but I’m not all about it, obsessed that they do, I entertain the thought because how is it that I could ever know? Honestly? How is it that I know anything? How can my brain store more or less than yours? How does someone remember something but not another? Chemicals, emotions, feelings. It’s the self. This ego, this soul.  

I, I, i, i, i…. me me ME! That’s how. This is hell. This reality in which we are punished from oneness. 

Dreams; hell. Senses; hell. Life; hell. 

I’m the Bible it says hell is a burning firing pits. That pit in your stomach? That heat when you’re angry? Anger is love’s fear. God IS love. Anger is the separation from God. So here I am living in this hell with only a glimpse of what true love really is. What GOD is. What I’m meant to be – with God. Not as a me or I, but as in love morphed into nothingness and everythingness with God. Because we are made in his “image” in which our human language can’t properly communicate. 

The Dream of Mars


So I vividly dream on a nightly basis, sometimes multiple times in one night and most of the time (normally upon waking) I remember my dream. Sometimes I get so lost in my dreams I wake up like I come out of a comma and have to reorient myself to my surroundings and to my own being – and people wonder why I have a hard time with reality, psht. Last night I had a weird/good/interesting dream that I feel like sharing. Comments are very much appreciated and welcome! 

So I was going on vacation, on a cruise ship to an island. I didn’t know where the island was but someone offered to pay for my boyfriend and me to go so i agreed. Well before we left I was at my aunts house who had a raccoon (true story) and she kept trying to bite me (also true a few times in real life) but she bit me multiple times in my dream. We were locked in the master bedroom at my aunts and I had to stay there for some reason. Well my boyfriend came and “relieved me of my duties” in the room and then we were on the island. It was a beautiful island with large trees, running water, a water fall into a large fresh pool, and also animals of all kinds. One, specifically, was a tiger that was inside near the pool in a screened in pool area. It’s night out but I could see the stars and a brightly lite night sky to see the clear sparkling water. There wasn’t a moon that I can remember but the screened in porch where the tiger was had a dim glow of star lights and soft lights such as a string of “Christmas lights” hung around. Except the lights were further apart so it wasn’t so bright. Trees from what looked like a tropical rainforest lined the tigers cage inside and outside the pool area. 

I was with the people that paid for me to go and my boyfriend and something was happening.. I don’t remember exactly what but all of a sudden the tiger was gone out of the cage and I remember thinking “thank god he’s free” and then we saw large waves over the house coming towards us. We clung to a short wall making a corner as the waves came crashing into the pool cage. Huge tidal waves one right after the other. Filling the pool cage and beginning to drown us. The island seemed to be going under water, but we were trapped by the roof. We held our breath as each wave passed – drowning us deeper and deeper into the ocean. I remember, not panicking, but as a survivial instinct would kick in, i felt determined. Responsible. I wanted to protect those I was with so I had to stay strong. 
Here I remember thinking – the tiger knew that’s why he escaped (which leads me to question was he really caged?) after the waves were over our heads and the pool area was filled to the roof with water – It was time to get out to swim to the surface and to breath. We were all drowning. I let go of the short walk and swam in the clearest of water – almost like it wasn’t even there. Somehow, With the air filling my cheeks, I was able to recycle the air but the oxygen was running out as I swam out the door. As I got out I tried to breath, choking on water and as I got out of the cage and began to try to surface a few things occurred to me; 1. If I left them now and the water is too deep how can I swim back down to save them, and if the waves are still crashing the current will take me away and I won’t be able to find it. Then, as I continued to choke, I realized I could breath under water and I was basically choking on the thought of drowning not the actual water itself. By this time, I had swam up a tree over the patio and I grabbed onto it which made me feel a pulling sensation toward the surface. I couldn’t leave my friends and boyfriend so I swamback down to save them. But we were figuring out we could breath so I stood there wondering if we were even underwater? And that pulling sensation toward the surface, was gravity lessening on earth? Or were we truly underwater? If so how could we stand without a weighted belt keeping us below the surface? 

As I pondered this, I turned to look up at the sky and there spinning through the stars is mars. The black and red surface dazzling like a lava disco ball towards the north west. As I was thinking of how beautiful the red and black rock was I heard someone say, “hey look at Venus” i kind of rolled my eyes inside because it was obvious that it was mars but I just allowed it to be and continued watching. After the comment though, something really strange happened. Like little trundles of lava, sparks rose from the ground – like reverse globs of rain. It was spectacular to see. That’s when I felt the gravity pull me again and realized that mars was pulling this towards it – including me. I stood firm not to be taken by gravity. But then, Mars started traveling in the opposite direction. Then as if it got slung like a boomerang, it curved around toward our island. Right to me! When I grabbed ahold of it, no bigger than a volleyball, it turned into 6-7 (no idea exactly but around that) silvery rings in the shape of the ball made if some silver crystal rock, dense but very light.

 I wanted to keep a piece so I tried to break a piece of the rings off, but when I chipped a piece off the rings started falling apart but they continued to spin. I tried to place them all together and send the hollow ringed rock back into the air but it caught the tree and continued to shake the rings – like an amateur trying to hula-hoop multiple rings. It never broke off an axis. Then it got caught in a tree. I looked at the piece I had in my hand and wondered if what I did would cause something traumatic. 
Then I got distracted and my dream turned into a map of where we were and we were all the way across the Atlantic Ocean near where Spain/Italy would be yet it wasn’t like our earth map. It was different, there were islands that lined the whole side of those continents. And we were in one much like Ireland but south of where Ireland would be. And there was a line where we had traveled from Florida to that island I had never heard of. And we were going more south but I couldn’t see where. 

I’ve looked up some meanings but I’m still unsure. 

Hope for me


SOOOOO just about everything has resurfaced. Sometimes in class, people will ignore me, everyone. I know that seems selfish and I try to just let it go but when it’s becoming more frequent and all the time. It’s hard to learn when I can’t ask questions to the teacher. I don’t talk a lot and my questions seem valid. IDK. thats one issue. Another thing that happened – my ex talked to me about how much he missed me and how he was wrong – we both were. we were both at fault. But this time he wanted to tell me how much I had made a difference in his life. how I encouraged him to go to school and I was super supportive and if it weren’t for me he wouldn’t have complete college. I’m unsure how to take that. and then someone called me about a program over the phone for people like me – depressed, coaching, life therapy – more stuff resurfaced. THEN someone calls me and tells me to say “don’t you dare go back down there. Don’t get pregnant you can’t handle that in your life right now, and you better not quite school, you need to complete something in your life… WOW OUCH! the next day I didn’t go to school – first day I’ve missed all year. Then I go to see my mom – shes brain damaged and can’t really think or function “normally” well she has to live with my aunt and grandfather, and they have been saying awful things to her – she doesn’t know any better, and she can’t help some of the things she does – why do they need to pick on her and push her down – wen she was talking to me I had to leave bc I started crying.

Then my bf and I were playing games together but my computer broke so I wasn’t able to play – I work 40 hours a week plus phone calls on nights and weekends and I go to school till 11 pm 3 days a week. Well one night when I get home from school, I say I’m tired and I would like to go to bed, he continues to play till midnight – I can’t sleep. I ask him to come to bed with me. He does but he doesn’t seem happy about it. I ask him if it’s okay he said yea, he’s just not tired – he falls asleep before me. I’m laying in bed awake – can’t sleep, can’t think straight. I just felt like I didn’t want to do this anymore. I just wanted to get up and leave right then. Say you know what – I was right I wasn’t ready for a relationship and just leave – but I didn’t want to make any rash decisions so I tried to talk it out with him – didn’t work so we just had sex and I was finally able to go to sleep.

I’ve been having weird awful dreams lately too… all this within the last 5 days…

I have been trying to read a new book that helps with being centered aware/present awareness/oneness. all that. and I’m trying to practice it. but last night just iced the cake and I wanted to just go far away. IDK where but just far.



Why do I keep having dreams? It makes me so tired to have them. I’m supposed to be resting, sleeping, but here I am waking up so tired and beat – mentally. I don’t like dreaming these things. of wolves and my ex… why does he have to come in there and tell me he misses me? is that my mind telling me I miss him? Do I? I guess I miss his care, his protective nature. but still it wears me out. I understand brain, now leave me alone.

I often think that I should go back on my meds. My anxiety meds or my anti-depressants… IDK why I went off them, oh yea someone told me I shouldn’t be on them due to the fact that they are bad for my brain… but what if I’m bad for my body? I’ve been having bad thoughts again… not to the extent of suicidal, although it may cross my mind from time to time, but maybe more so that I want protection from myself, I am afraid of my own mind. I need to release myself and be free, but how? How can I when I’m surrounded with hate, why do we need to work? the stress of the world burdens me. I feel like I carry it all on my shoulders… I’m going on, rambling not making any sense, what am I to do? where am I meant to be? I keep thinking this is it, this is where I’m meant to be, but what about when school is over? do I like the protection that school offers me away from the “real world”? I don’t have obligations to tell me where and what I am supposed to be/do…. Maybe I can figure this out. I’m so up-tight with myself. I need to release, let go relax… something.. bc I’m not doing a very good job with myself.

The Full Moon and Crazy Awesome Dream


So this weekend is supposed to be when the moon is the closest to the earth, and it’s supposed to be a visionary, healing moon. I have to go outside and meditate when this moon arrives. I need to be there to see if I get a vision, or if it brings up any hidden secrets, or if it shows me something. It could possibly heal my mental aliments and guide me to some where new. Speaking of guiding, I had a dream last night of what I believe it to be a Phoenix, and according to it represents, transformation, immortality and renewal. You are moving toward a new phase in your life. It may also mean that your past continues to haunt you.

What was amazing is the pheonix was an AMAZING light blue color and according to; The presence of this color in your dream may symbolize your spiritual guide and your optimism of the future.

When I looked up to see if there was a real bird like this I found the near-threatened and uncommon Resplendent Quetzal, which has a picture attached. from

When you look up what they mean, they were known for goodness, light and by the Maya, guides. So either way, I saw my spirit guide last night in my dream. Wow, talk about amazing. I wonder if the full moon has already began to show me what I need to see and give me direction to where I need to go and who I need to be.

Ever since I started school I have never felt more in the right pace as I do now. I’ve been to 4 different colleges and tried many things in life, but nothing ever stood out or made me feel like “this is it” but now I feel like “THIS IS IT”! ! ! ! I also met some one new. I didn’t think I would be able to date someone again for a long time, given the divorce and the old bf… I needed to work on myself but here I am, with this new found guide, this feeling of being exactly where I need to be and finding my way, even if it is small steps to greatness.