Reminders

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I have to keep reminding myself. I overcame alot. I can do this. I don’t need any more help besides my own. I can do this. When I feel like failing I have to remember that a knife won’t help me. Seeing my body won’t allow me to heal. It’s me wanting my insides outside. It’s a physical way to express something inside needs help. I need to reflect and allow whatever emotions out. I need to let myself be not afraid.

It’s because I’m afraid of the person I am inside. I’m a good person full of love and hope. Every time I’m conflicted I have to remember my life is reason enough to live. Life is my present to myself to heal my soul. Healing crisis.

I got a trager massage and did zero balancing…. I think I’m getting after effects of it. This healing crisis that follows wasn’t bad until 4 days later… Why is that? Did I loose my insight of reflection to give !myself? How can I allow myself and my inner emotions out? I need to find my way. I feel like what I’m doing is pointless… Like this life is pointless I don’t understand why I have to submit to others. I want to be as free as a molecule in outer space and be free floating. Always giving and combining with others to help a greater cause… I don’t feel like I’m contributing enough….

I don’t know really. Just this…

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Dreams

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Why do I keep having dreams? It makes me so tired to have them. I’m supposed to be resting, sleeping, but here I am waking up so tired and beat – mentally. I don’t like dreaming these things. of wolves and my ex… why does he have to come in there and tell me he misses me? is that my mind telling me I miss him? Do I? I guess I miss his care, his protective nature. but still it wears me out. I understand brain, now leave me alone.

I often think that I should go back on my meds. My anxiety meds or my anti-depressants… IDK why I went off them, oh yea someone told me I shouldn’t be on them due to the fact that they are bad for my brain… but what if I’m bad for my body? I’ve been having bad thoughts again… not to the extent of suicidal, although it may cross my mind from time to time, but maybe more so that I want protection from myself, I am afraid of my own mind. I need to release myself and be free, but how? How can I when I’m surrounded with hate, why do we need to work? the stress of the world burdens me. I feel like I carry it all on my shoulders… I’m going on, rambling not making any sense, what am I to do? where am I meant to be? I keep thinking this is it, this is where I’m meant to be, but what about when school is over? do I like the protection that school offers me away from the “real world”? I don’t have obligations to tell me where and what I am supposed to be/do…. Maybe I can figure this out. I’m so up-tight with myself. I need to release, let go relax… something.. bc I’m not doing a very good job with myself.