I keep wondering why I pull this card? What am I not being honest with? I thought that maybe my ED progression has been bc of my liking to this guy, but it’s not – it’s me. It’s an excuse. I’m being false; I’m afraid to get better. If i get better, TRUELY better, I won’t care how fat I get – or I’ll loose my control (aka my control through ED) I want to log into my ed website so bad. I mean of course I’ll be “healthy” heck there’s a chance I’ll be more fit and healthier than I am now, but there’s is another chance I will get fatter. That’s what I’m lying to myself about.
Not loving myself I am comfortable because it’s what I know. It’s what I’m use to. It’s my safety bubble – hating myself is easy.
I thought it was bc I was jealous of his ex bc of her supermodel body – nope I’m afraid of getting better. I’m afraid of loosing my control and finding the right light to walk in. Yea I can fake it till I make it but I’m already spiraling down and I’ve been falling into my ED habits. I need to gain control through another way. I can’t run bc I have severe blisters. I need new shoes that I can’t afford.
I have to stop these bad habits! I have to love myself and GET BETTER! Soon loving myself will be easier. – impeccable words – the first agreement!
Zen Mind – never expect an achievement because you will never gain a TRUE achievement that way.