off meds… again?

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Why do I do this to myself? I go off, I go on? I dont know why I do this… I’m stupid I know but I just don’t want to be dependent on a pill that changes me… I should take them because it is a chemical imbalance. I quit smoking, I quit my meds, I’m in the middle of a divorce… I’m an idiot with all this stress… I don’t know what I’m thinking… but I can do this. I moved in with a Great friend. He is wonderful. But the adjustment is hard. Sigh. No therapy and my Doctor thinks I’m abusing my meds… and i’m not even taking them except to sleep and I can barley even do that right now… obviously because I am awake right now after 3 hours of sleep… sigh… I’m helpless… Whatever. I’m fat and ugly and gross and I’m just useless…

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Sacrifice…

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What sacrifice is worth giving up the memories for the war inside your head? do you remember the battle or the memories that the battle ruins? which should be sacrifice by medication? the memories or the battle inside your head…? I wanna just break down and cry but I feel too tired… too exhausted to even blink correctly. but onward I go and onward I will remain forever.

I feel like I’m loosing my ground. I wanna scream and cry and kick and throw and break things and I still just always keep a level head because I know that the consequences of those actions are not worth the little outburst of “feeling-better” that I get from doing them. I wish that I could just stop having all these thoughts and feelings and get to living a normal live but there is no such thing as a normal life for me.

I have never experienced one and I fear I never will. However there is new hope in my life, I’m just waiting for the roots to take but the weather right now isn’t helping me allow the roots to grab hold on the prefect soil that I have before me. I have to be patient. I have to hold on and take it day by day. Sacrifice each minute of hate for a minute of love.