Need to Rant – Aug ’14

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So I’m getting a divorce, my husband thinks I’m cheating on him (I’m not even talking to another male person), I just got a job after 7 months, my car needs an oil change and I don’t have any money to change it because I just got the job this week, he not helping with any of my bills even though he knows that I don’t have any money so I get collection agencies calling me literally 7-15 times a day, one time my caller id said 89 missed calls… My friend that I’m moving in with just got a new bf so she doesn’t talk to me anymore and she’s the only friend I have because my husband was so controlling that I wasn’t allowed to have friends (even though he wont admit to that). I just bought her a really expensive necklace with money I don’t have because I wanted to show her what she means to me (and I’m impulsive buyer when I’m upset) and she was with her bf… then she doesn’t answer me back when I asked to hang out…. when I text her 4 or 5 hours later she says her best friend went into labor, I’m mean it’s a legit excuse but I still feel like… idk… ignored… she’s my only friend and she knows it… I’m just super upset right now… I know I’m twisting things but my mind can’t help it… I’m just hurt and confused and upset…

The only reason why she’s still my friend is because she probably feels sorry for me… because I tried killing myself and that I’m a fucking basket case… That’s the only reason why everyone is being nice to me now… I never talked to my aunt every other week…. I was basically raised with my aunt and after I grew up I never talked to her ever, after the suicide attempt we talk about every other week, sometimes every week…. It’s because of the suicide attempt… seriously people? You don’t know what you have until it’s gone. and NO one appreciated me… no one still appreciates me, they just feel sorry for me because I have to live in this battle… Her daughter is fighting a battle right now and shes moving through right along strong as can be, so of course, my cousin is going to be the shining star of the family, her battle you can actually see though… her husband cheated on her, so, naturally, her struggle is “real”…. while here I am, little tiny (little tiny as in short) old me… here for the fucking pity party…

I don’t want your pity party! I don’t want your coos, and your woes. I just want to happy and normal… but that will never happen because I live in hell. I live in a shit hell hole.. with a shit storm of emotional terror that binds me to the fucking blur of tearless ground. I don’t cry, I don’t feel physical pain. I only feel my inside emotions tearing me to pieces.

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