Triggers

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Triggering me left and right, the sights, sounds and thoughts plague my mind and encompass me in an array of emotion that takes flight in a world that I don’t want to be in, but I’m afraid to leave because it’s the only world I know so I find comfort in the pain. I find it calming to know that the torture is the one that knows me better than I know myself. It first tells me that I can do it. I can listen to the song, it’s okay. So I do. Then it tells me I can think about it, I can think about the past, I am strong. So I do. Then it tells me that I should lose weight. So I do. Then it tells me that I am not good enough and that I need to educate myself. So I do. Then it tells me that I am worthless and I need to cut myself. So I do. Then it tells me that I am a horrible person and that no one will ever want me, that I am a piece of shit on the bottom of someones shoe that eventually fades to nothing, that wears thin across the world in their own adventures while I was just a burden in there path. So I am.

I am what my mind has made me become, and it only takes one simple act of listening to a triggering song, or letting a triggering thought penetrate my mind and that is what has happen. I have relapsed… I am back to the beginning.

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