Need to Rant – Aug ’14

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So I’m getting a divorce, my husband thinks I’m cheating on him (I’m not even talking to another male person), I just got a job after 7 months, my car needs an oil change and I don’t have any money to change it because I just got the job this week, he not helping with any of my bills even though he knows that I don’t have any money so I get collection agencies calling me literally 7-15 times a day, one time my caller id said 89 missed calls… My friend that I’m moving in with just got a new bf so she doesn’t talk to me anymore and she’s the only friend I have because my husband was so controlling that I wasn’t allowed to have friends (even though he wont admit to that). I just bought her a really expensive necklace with money I don’t have because I wanted to show her what she means to me (and I’m impulsive buyer when I’m upset) and she was with her bf… then she doesn’t answer me back when I asked to hang out…. when I text her 4 or 5 hours later she says her best friend went into labor, I’m mean it’s a legit excuse but I still feel like… idk… ignored… she’s my only friend and she knows it… I’m just super upset right now… I know I’m twisting things but my mind can’t help it… I’m just hurt and confused and upset…

The only reason why she’s still my friend is because she probably feels sorry for me… because I tried killing myself and that I’m a fucking basket case… That’s the only reason why everyone is being nice to me now… I never talked to my aunt every other week…. I was basically raised with my aunt and after I grew up I never talked to her ever, after the suicide attempt we talk about every other week, sometimes every week…. It’s because of the suicide attempt… seriously people? You don’t know what you have until it’s gone. and NO one appreciated me… no one still appreciates me, they just feel sorry for me because I have to live in this battle… Her daughter is fighting a battle right now and shes moving through right along strong as can be, so of course, my cousin is going to be the shining star of the family, her battle you can actually see though… her husband cheated on her, so, naturally, her struggle is “real”…. while here I am, little tiny (little tiny as in short) old me… here for the fucking pity party…

I don’t want your pity party! I don’t want your coos, and your woes. I just want to happy and normal… but that will never happen because I live in hell. I live in a shit hell hole.. with a shit storm of emotional terror that binds me to the fucking blur of tearless ground. I don’t cry, I don’t feel physical pain. I only feel my inside emotions tearing me to pieces.

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Triggers

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Triggering me left and right, the sights, sounds and thoughts plague my mind and encompass me in an array of emotion that takes flight in a world that I don’t want to be in, but I’m afraid to leave because it’s the only world I know so I find comfort in the pain. I find it calming to know that the torture is the one that knows me better than I know myself. It first tells me that I can do it. I can listen to the song, it’s okay. So I do. Then it tells me I can think about it, I can think about the past, I am strong. So I do. Then it tells me that I should lose weight. So I do. Then it tells me that I am not good enough and that I need to educate myself. So I do. Then it tells me that I am worthless and I need to cut myself. So I do. Then it tells me that I am a horrible person and that no one will ever want me, that I am a piece of shit on the bottom of someones shoe that eventually fades to nothing, that wears thin across the world in their own adventures while I was just a burden in there path. So I am.

I am what my mind has made me become, and it only takes one simple act of listening to a triggering song, or letting a triggering thought penetrate my mind and that is what has happen. I have relapsed… I am back to the beginning.

Repeats

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So if no one has figured it out already, I’m on an emotional roller coaster… Recovering from EDNOS (which idk that I ever can get over), major depressive disorder, anxiety, PTSD, BPD and whatever else they tell me. But I refuse to live by these titles and have them own my life. What happened in the past hurt me and the experiences give me these titles, but yielding to these titles instead of embracing them and learning about them only forces me down a deeper hole that has not been dug yet.

So instead of hiding behind these titles, I’m going to learn about them, find THEIR weaknesses, not mine, so I can defeat them. Although this is easy to write, as my followers can see it’s not easily done. But I still stand here before you and I’m still alive! I’m still battling these demonic titles that plague to hinder me from reality. Yes BPD isn’t something I can “just get over” I am aware of that, however I will continued to grow in wisdom and see what patterns there are in others with it and my own so I can learn to take control when my mind wants to do something that is not of sound health for me, myself and I.

If any of you suffer from BPD I recommend the book “I hate you, don’t leave me” I’m only in the beginning but it gives you an idea about what people go through.

For example, there was a girl who complained about feeling like having a heart attack… She went to the hospital to find nothing. They could only pin it down to major anxiety issuses. Not 2 months before I picked up the book the SAME EXACT thing happened to me. But I was also recently diagnosed with asthma but I had felt these “chest pains” for as long as I can remember. It just got so bad to the point where I couldn’t move very well and the obvious sign of pain shooting down my arm was a sign to go to the hospital only to find they thought I was crazy. Everything was fine, blood work, X-ray, the whole shabang…. Normal… Cause=anxiety.

I found this new thing I want to try it’s called binaural beats. Here’s a link if your curious

http://www.collective-evolution.com/2013/10/15/how-to-get-high-without-drugs/

You use it as meditation techniques for the minds that never rest (aka mine) so I’m going to try this tomorrow. I just need to get some good headphones to work with it.

Should I wait? Will I ever get better?

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I know in my last blog I wrote all kinds of positive things but after my best friend got a bf, my husband (soon to be ex ) left for 3 weeks, I got into a fight with my family I just can’t handle this life. Yes I’m suicidal but I don’t have a safe place for my dogs. No one will be here for another 3 weeks they can’t live without someone to feed and water them. I’m debating on taking them to my moms but that’s a large burden for her be she is handicapped… 2 large over active dogs are hard as it is on a normal person. I just don’t know what to do with my life right now. No one is hiring me, I have No support. I know I should be strong on my own but I have nothing left in me to fight this. I’m going down

So the question is should I wait for these feelings to pass? Will they ever pass because I feel the same way I did on the night of my last attempt. I’m trying to do the right thing but is it the right thing for people who love me (family and the very few friends I have) but I don’t feel like they truly do, if they did why don’t I feel like I can call them right now? Why is it so hard for me to love myself? I can see what it might be like but I just can’t get there. Will I ever get there? Will I ever feel love enough for myself from myself to be loved by some else?

I can’t even watch movies or read a book to get my mind off of it because they have friends or family or they’re strong in their journey. I feel so pathetic, like a stupid failure. I know it says failure is success on the way. But I just can’t see myself ever succeeding I can’t even imagine it… I will still feel this way even when I do succeed at something because I still don’t love myself. I have no self-respect…

And I hate myself for feeling this way because I should be stronger…