Have to Say it Now

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So Because of my severe mood swings due to my BPD when I swing one way then to the next it’s like I’m a completely different person and I will either regret or not ever say or do something on either spectrum. Right now I’m just lost. In order for me to tell you something you have to catch me in the moment of the mood for me to tell you what it is that you want to know. It’s not that I’m lying to you, it’s just that I’m not in the mood to tell you. SO now that I’m in the mood to tell you all of this and I am near a computer I will finally tell you. This goes for my therapist as well. She thinks I’m doing “better” Well let me tell you something MS! I AM most certainly NOT doing any better than I was doing. Yes I was happy at my last session because that was my mood. you never catch me in a sad, numb or depressed mood. regretfully I just started seeing you, but none-the-less you should not judge my “better-ness” souly on the fact that you saw me smile and that I talked to you.

You forget that I am smart. You must remember that the reason I tried committed suicide is because I am a believer in the philosopher Kierkegaard’s Existential Angst. Only because I have been told “It’s going to get better” so many damn times with no results and people always tell me they are there for me when no one is there when I need them most. Where were they the night I tried contacting them when I tried committing suicide? It’s not like I didn’t ask for a way out, I did. “Think positive” They say. “we’re here if you need us” they say.  OF COURSE I FUCKING NEED YOU! ! ! ! thats why I FUCKING CALLED YOU!  

BUT THE WORSE THING OF ALL! IS the worst fact that for the rest of my fucking miserable life I have to live with this. “You will get stronger” they say. Well you know what?!?!? I DONT WANT TO GET STRONGER! I want it to go away! I just want it go away…

I bet you think I’m crying. I’m not. I’ve lived with this long enough that I’m not crying and I’m not even a bit sad. However I do want to go cut my wrists until they fill the tub with my blood… but alas I am with my husband and I shall take my meds like a good girl and I shall not. Because I am going to “get stronger” as they say. SIGH!

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