I feel so though I am not myself. I ask myself how I got here, who I am and how did I get this old with out me knowing? Why don’t I have my degree? Why don’t I have a career like the people I graduated with? then memories flood into my mind, drowning all my senses and I go numb. My heart stops beating my lungs stops breathing and I watch as these horrific memories spread through my mind and tell me the story of my past and answer these questions I so often find myself questioning. THe numbing pictures and feelings stop my blood from flowing and my mind from thinking. I just watch; from childhood to adulthood. Here I am. This is why. Now stop bothering me She says. I want to curl up and sleep for days, but I only manage hours.
I read and research when I get the energy of these disease they call BPD. When I don’t have the energy I find my stabbing emotional distress ripping and pulling me in different directions I don’t know which way to go, I don’t know which way to go. So I sit and stare at nothing, at everything. I play with paranoia. I dance with disturbing thoughts.
I manage to watch a movie from time to time. Read. Knit when I find the time. Then when my husband comes home we can finally go for a walk. The highlight of my day. Going for a walk with him and the dogs is my reflection and my jailbreak. It’s like getting pulled out of the cave of darkness into a newer light. Soon I will be able to do this on my own. I just have to stay positive. Chin up! Right? sigh. I feel like IDK anymore.