Is it possible?

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Okay so my husband came home to find that I was ready to walk out and cut myself and that I was ready to run away again, for the third time of our relationship. I was ready to run, to where IDK, to do what IDK, to live I don’t know how. But I was ready. Something kept me. He told me that I needed to read the book he got me from when I was first in the hospital. A Meditation Book. I picked it up and it said that I could use it to stop my anxiety, my depression, my lethargy and could turn it all around. Is that possible? I’m going to keep an open mind about it so please no negative comments because medication is 90% mental. If it does work we will see how long it last. I really want to go back to school and become a RN. it’s been my dream since I graduated honors in High school. so right now I’ll try whatever. I’ll keep everyone posted of course.

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songs…

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Why do these simple word form a simple sentence that make me feel so inferior to myself and make me want to crawl into a hole and die? It’s just a fucking song! but these words the rhythm. there are many like it; that surface feelings of hate, love, passion, desire, fear, regret, foolishness, sadness and a combination of all them plus some that are not mentioned.

It’s like a light to a bug I can’t stop looking at the horrific death that is to come to me. I know I shouldn’t listen to these songs, but I do. They bring out at least SOME type of emotion.

 

If my husband were to find this blog he would probably think that I don’t love him. But let me just give a side note: bc of my BPD (and other with BPD and people who know BPD know this) I do not understand feelings of the past, present and I can’t comprehend feelings of the future. WHich is why I always make the same mistakes and I can not control my feelings. I do not learn “patterns” of emotions like normal people do. SO do not take the previous comment to heart if you do so find my blog. Bc I always feel this way when I listen to a song. It’s not that I don’t love you, it’s just that my emotions flux and I get a different mood.

Have to Say it Now

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So Because of my severe mood swings due to my BPD when I swing one way then to the next it’s like I’m a completely different person and I will either regret or not ever say or do something on either spectrum. Right now I’m just lost. In order for me to tell you something you have to catch me in the moment of the mood for me to tell you what it is that you want to know. It’s not that I’m lying to you, it’s just that I’m not in the mood to tell you. SO now that I’m in the mood to tell you all of this and I am near a computer I will finally tell you. This goes for my therapist as well. She thinks I’m doing “better” Well let me tell you something MS! I AM most certainly NOT doing any better than I was doing. Yes I was happy at my last session because that was my mood. you never catch me in a sad, numb or depressed mood. regretfully I just started seeing you, but none-the-less you should not judge my “better-ness” souly on the fact that you saw me smile and that I talked to you.

You forget that I am smart. You must remember that the reason I tried committed suicide is because I am a believer in the philosopher Kierkegaard’s Existential Angst. Only because I have been told “It’s going to get better” so many damn times with no results and people always tell me they are there for me when no one is there when I need them most. Where were they the night I tried contacting them when I tried committing suicide? It’s not like I didn’t ask for a way out, I did. “Think positive” They say. “we’re here if you need us” they say.  OF COURSE I FUCKING NEED YOU! ! ! ! thats why I FUCKING CALLED YOU!  

BUT THE WORSE THING OF ALL! IS the worst fact that for the rest of my fucking miserable life I have to live with this. “You will get stronger” they say. Well you know what?!?!? I DONT WANT TO GET STRONGER! I want it to go away! I just want it go away…

I bet you think I’m crying. I’m not. I’ve lived with this long enough that I’m not crying and I’m not even a bit sad. However I do want to go cut my wrists until they fill the tub with my blood… but alas I am with my husband and I shall take my meds like a good girl and I shall not. Because I am going to “get stronger” as they say. SIGH!

Detachment

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I feel so though I am not myself. I ask myself how I got here, who I am and how did I get this old with out me knowing? Why don’t I have my degree? Why don’t I have a career like the people I graduated with? then memories flood into my mind, drowning all my senses and I go numb. My heart stops beating my lungs stops breathing and I watch as these horrific memories spread through my mind and tell me the story of my past and answer these questions I so often find myself questioning. THe numbing pictures and feelings stop my blood from flowing and my mind from thinking. I just watch; from childhood to adulthood. Here I am. This is why. Now stop bothering me She says. I want to curl up and sleep for days, but I only manage hours.

I read and research when I get the energy of these disease they call BPD. When I don’t have the energy I find my stabbing emotional distress ripping and pulling me in different directions I don’t know which way to go, I don’t know which way to go. So I sit and stare at nothing, at everything. I play with paranoia. I dance with disturbing thoughts.

I manage to watch a movie from time to time. Read. Knit when I find the time. Then when my husband comes home we can finally go for a walk. The highlight of my day. Going for a walk with him and the dogs is my reflection and my jailbreak. It’s like getting pulled out of the cave of darkness into a newer light. Soon I will be able to do this on my own. I just have to stay positive. Chin up! Right? sigh. I feel like IDK anymore. 

New Meds…

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Invega… What a wonderful drug. I have no thoughts of killing myself. which is great right? However, I am a vegetarian. A strict one and this medication doesn’t care that I am, and my will power is ZOOM out the fucking door. I had a chicken nugget. A FUCKING CHICKEN NUGGET! WTF?!?!? I wasn’t even craving it I just ate it like I have been eating them normally. Sorry Doc, I know it helps with my suicidal tendencies, but my beliefs are a little more important to me.

I mean whats the point if you can’t stick to your beliefs as a human? I’ve been a veggy for almost two years now and I rarely eat junk food and now I eat junk food like every day and i ate a fucking chicken nugget like it was a french fry with no care about my belief…. nope sorry not doing it anymore. I’ve gained almost 10 pounds and i have no care about my health and nutrition. NO THANK YOU!

Peace Invega, my mind has been calm about hurting myself but now I have developed a new sense of hurting myself because I can’t fucking eat healthy. SOOOOOO LONG! seeing my doc next week.