I’m exhausted, I hate feeling this way. I hate staring at the wall, at the computer waiting for something to change, wasting away to nothing. I can’t work for fear of panic attack, for fear of wanting to off myself because a person ticking me off to bad. I’m afraid of going back to school because of the stress that it will put on me and the anxiety that will fill my mind to do better and be the best at my grades. I always want to be the best I always push myself to far; at work and at school and when I don’t ahcieve those things I feel like a failure.
I know that the only change that I’m going to see is not the change I am going to see, but the change of what I’m going to feel and the change is only going to happen by doing something but fear has it’s grasp around my throat and my PTSD, BPD BLAH BLAH etc… won’t allow me to change unless i receive some type of help that I AM NOT RECEIVING at this moment because my insurance and therapists like to go on vacations at the very moment I get out of the hospital… fantastic huh? SO I sit here writing you guys, complete strangers for some virtual support for likes and comments of what idk, but in some way it helps to vent.
I feel like I fail everyday… last night I almost put the gun in my mouth… almost pulled the trigger… I thought at midnight what it would be like to die, my mom, my sister, but then I thought, who would take care of my dog? My preciousness living child, that I love so much? That I would do anything for? Who would love her as much as I? the answer? NO ONE. No one could love her as much as I would. So that stopped me. Because I know that SHE and my HUSBAND love me through all my faults, through all my ups and all my downs, all my spouts of depression, happiness (barley), sadness, hurt, anger, love (kind of), THEY are there for me.
I bet your wondering why was it my dog first that saved me and not my husband? Well, my husband too has a disorder, and if he would have found me dead, I would have meet him in hell a few moments later. That I know.