Holding on to Something that Isn’t there


Okay, so there is positive in the world right? you hear the stories, see the movies, experience it, but what comes before the positive? all the negative shit. Thats what I can’t do, thats what I can’t handle all the negative to reach the end result of happiness. Also, what if the end isn’t what you were expecting and you’re just let down? I couldn’t handle that with all my anxiety. I can’t even be alone without at least my dog or phone right next to me without having a panic attack. Society and I just don’t belong together…

My Dog knows she wont leave my side either… I can’t even go to the bathroom without her waiting by the door to make sure I come out okay. when I take a shower and I put her in her crate she cries to get out because she cant be by the door so I let her lay in the bathroom now. It calms her to be with me because its like she KNOWs shes my emotional support dog. I don’t know… maybe it’s all in my head. I know dogs sense that kind of stuff because I’m suicidal like now I can’t sleep and I put her in her crate and my husband is sleeping and she starting whining because I was in the kitchen typing on my laptop and now she’s laying next to me, sleeping on her chair.

I just don’t know. I know this feeling is never going away but I don’t want to live the rest of my life with it. I hate this feeling. I am going to the doctors tomorrow to change my meds because I can’t think straight on my the meds I am on now. I can’t even do a simple crochet pattern without getting frustrated, and I’ve been crocheting for years.

but what i’m holding on to that isn’t there is that the fact that there are all these positive things but you have to go through sooo many negative things or “trails” to get to them… I have this big ball of gas that you can’t contain to grab on to called hope and every time I try to squeeze harder when I’m going through a bad time I loose more hope… at least that what it feels like. soon I will have none again…


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