My First Liebster Award (most wont even read so why bother?)

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Liebster Award… (this is my first so I’m posting it all so I don’t forget what to do scroll down if you already know)

The Official Rules Of The Liebster Award:
If you have been nominated for The Liebster Award AND YOU CHOOSE TO ACCEPT IT, write a blog post about the Liebster award in which you:

1. thank the person who nominated you, and post a link to their blog on your blog.

2. display the award on your blog — by including it in your post and/or displaying it using a “widget” or a “gadget”. (Note that the best way to do this is to save the image to your own computer and then upload it to your blog post.)

3. answer 11 questions about yourself, which will be provided to you by the person who nominated you.

4. provide 11 random facts about yourself.

5. nominate 5 – 11 blogs that you feel deserve the award, who have a less than 1000 followers. (Note that you can always ask the blog owner this since not all blogs display a widget that lets the readers know this information!)

6. create a new list of questions for the blogger to answer.

7. list these rules in your post (You can copy and paste from here.) Once you have written and published it, you then have to:

8. Inform the people/blogs that you nominated that they have been nominated for the Liebster award and provide a link for them to your post so that they can learn about it (they might not have ever heard of it!)

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I was nominated by: http://paindepression.wordpress.com/

My 11 Questions and my Answers:

1. If you had one last blog to write, what would be the subject and why?

If it was my last blog then I probably wouldn’t write anything, whats one more lonely blog to my lonely life? JUST kidding. Idk it would depend one which personality would be the strongest that day to write about which subject so the first answer could be plausible.

2. What is the most rewarding thing you have ever accomplished?

hmmmm….. not really accomplished much…. or what Society would find accomplishing I once made up a book in my mind but I never wrote it down… what a waste. no ummm the most accomplishing thing IIIIII feel I have ever down was when I was a child I was the youngest and the less experienced rider in the advanced jumper course and I start dressage at a younger age as well I was proud of myself the teacher said I was a natural.

3. Do you think that dreams have meanings?

yea, our sub-conscious speaks to us through dreams, fears, wants, and telling us of imprtant things that it can see but we can’t.

4. If you had the funds, would you move to another country right now? If so, where?

Actually I would like going to a 3rd world country just how the people respect one another better than they do an America. Sure corruption and government will probablu kill you but you’ll die happier right? LMFAO! IDK WHAT THE FUCK I”D DO don’t ask me these questions! too much thinking over fucking whelms me! 

5. Do you generally blog on a tablet, computer, laptop…?

seriously? this is a question? why so you know which computer system to use when you want to hack me? a laptop.

6. What do you love the most about your best friend?

I don’t have one. I have BPD friendships don’t last long enough to get to that stage.

7. How do you handle difficult life changes?

again………….. BPD explains it all NEXT

8. What is your favorite color?

ummmm,….. depends. on mood… yellow, green, blue. sometimes black.

9. When you write, do you write the same way you speak?

NO, I stumble with my words when I speak sometimes bc my brain gets ahead of itself.

10. If you could meet one famous individual,who would it be, and why?

UGH! I hope I NEVER fucking meet a famous person in my life. Conceded bastards.

11. For you as an individual, how important are stats on WordPress?

that make me feel good. it makes me feel like I’m not alone in this cold dark fucking world of a shit piece of dump we call earth now. IF it were My way no high way option. we’d be tree huggers. LMAFO jk. well we would be happier that way. no more killings bc yo mama said dis to my mama, and dis bitch is a cunt for sleeping with my husband blah blah… everyone would love eachother and themselves but who am I kidding… thats a perfect world where no unicorns exist.

11 Random Facts About Myself:

1. I’m only 5’2

2. I hate the color pink, but I love the smell of this one pink candle OMFG

3. WHY THE FUCK ARE THERE 11 OF THESE FUCKING THINGS?

4. I’m glad I was able to fake 1 (2) of them bc Idk what the fuck to say about myself – my life is boring

5. I love horses

6. I have 2 Weimaraner dogs.

7. 1 is a rescue.

8. I want to be a yoga intructor

9. or a horse trainer.

10. I love soft serve ice cream (the real shit – the the powder crap from mcdonalds)

11. so glad this is the last one.

Superman’s not …

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Superman’s not Brave. (PSSHHHT) You can not be brave if you’re indestructible. It’s everyday people like YOU and ME that are BRAVE knowing that WE could EASILY be defeated but still continue FORWARD! ! !

Like my last blog, when I wanted to comment suicide, its the easy way out… I choose not to. I found the one thing that I could hold on to to stay alive. Superman never wants to commit suicide think about it he’s indestructible, he couldn’t lol. All I can say is FUCK YEA BITCHES! I’m BETTER than SUPER(man)WOMAN! LMAO!

Feeling this way…

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I’m exhausted, I hate feeling this way. I hate staring at the wall, at the computer waiting for something to change, wasting away to nothing. I can’t work for fear of panic attack, for fear of wanting to off myself because a person ticking me off to bad. I’m afraid of going back to school because of the stress that it will put on me and the anxiety that will fill my mind to do better and be the best at my grades. I always want to be the best I always push myself to far; at work and at school and when I don’t ahcieve those things I feel like a failure.

I know that the only change that I’m going to see is not the change I am going to see, but the change of what I’m going to feel and the change is only going to happen by doing something but fear has it’s grasp around my throat and my PTSD, BPD BLAH BLAH etc… won’t allow me to change unless i receive some type of help that I AM NOT RECEIVING at this moment because my insurance and therapists like to go on vacations at the very moment I get out of the hospital… fantastic huh? SO I sit here writing you guys, complete strangers for some virtual support for likes and comments of what idk, but in some way it helps to vent.

I feel like I fail everyday… last night I almost put the gun in my mouth… almost pulled the trigger… I thought at midnight what it would be like to die, my mom, my sister, but then I thought, who would take care of my dog? My preciousness living child, that I love so much? That I would do anything for? Who would love her as much as I? the answer? NO ONE. No one could love her as much as I would. So that stopped me. Because I know that SHE and my HUSBAND love me through all my faults, through all my ups and all my downs, all my spouts of depression, happiness (barley), sadness, hurt, anger, love (kind of), THEY are there for me.

I bet your wondering why was it my dog first that saved me and not my husband? Well, my husband too has a disorder, and if he would have found me dead, I would have meet him in hell a few moments later. That I know.

Med Change…. (POOR LANGUAGE – not grammar poor – but vulgar, well probably grammar too)

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FML! THey changed my meds WHAT FUCKING FUCK WERE THEY THINKING?!?!?!?!? 100mg of Desyrel (Trazodone) for a 102 lb 22 yr old GIRL?!?!?!? I slept 16 hours a fucking day! AND I COULDN”T WAKE UP FROM MY DREAMS! ! ! ! so i’m trapped in my nightmares. FUCK YOU! I stopped taking all my meds except my Topamax, Xanax and Effexor THANK YOU!  I’ll take the paranoia and anxious thoughts over being lazy and groggy all the fucking time with the paranoia and anxiety STILL! I need to function to live! How am I supposed to “get better” if I’m so drugged out of my mind that I can barely walk to the bathroom in the morning?

Lets try herbal supplements like Passion FLower – to help with anxiety – so far – still shaking from anxiety but my mind feels a little better, so now I just have to chug aaaaabout mmmmm 4 gallons of tea a day and we’re good…..

The People of My Small Town

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I wonder why I live here…

There is a store here called the “Dollar Tree” for those of you who are not familiar with it let me explain to you how this store is set up. As you can assume from the name DOLLAR everything in the store is ONE DOLLAR (for those of you who know this you are probably already laughing). There are signs ALLLLLLL AROUND saying “EVERY THINGS $1”. NOW my puppy is sick and I’ve been in an anxiety attack for OVER 3 days now shaking uncontrollably and taking my meds like tic tacs and I know that they have measure cups for ONE DOLLAR, why go buy some for 5 bucks, just for her meds that I’m only going to use a few times right?

So I look frantically for the kitchen supplies because I don’t know where anything is because I like quality things, but for a teaspoon I’m only going to use a few times I’ll pay a buck for, I’ll search. Now I pass a lady who has a sign right next to her the says “everythings $1” and I friggin kid you not looks at her friend and these are her EXACT WORDS “those are nice, but I don’t know how much they are.”

Seriously folks?! I wanted to point to the sign that was right in next to them but I didn’t want them to feel like the idiots that they were, I wanted them to “figure it out” maybe they would get smarter, because you know what they say, if you show a baby how to do everything they never learn anything…. maybe… I’m just saying… here’s your sign…. however you want to end it…. PEACE!

It’s because of her…

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The breeze blows through her

she stands tall, with confidence

her hair is straight and in it’s place

her chest and proud and her shoulder straight

she looks at me and her eyes are glowing

she gives me a warm mental hug

her live is mine, and mine hers,

her ears sway in the wind,

i bet your wondering why her ears?

she is my dog, my best friend,

she is always there for me

she stands in a field of nowwhere

but in a field of somewhere in my heart

she gives me life, a purpose to live.

she is my dog, my companion. My best friend.

– Zoeloz

 

B/P And PISSED the F****** OFF

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it’s been 10 Days since I binged, I purged most of it, but ugh! I hate doing it… it was my husband bday and the family brought 4 CAKES! WHY!?!?!? THERE WERE ONLY 4 OF US HERE?!?!?!? I DONT GET IT!!!! AT least I only like one of them anyways I mean I didn’t eat THAT much but it was still too much for me… but ayway I was down to 103 but I’m scared to check the scale tomorrow… so I’m not going to till monday… sigh… disappointment here I come…

SO yesterday I go into CVS (drug store) to pick up my prescription from the pharmacy with my REGISTERED Emotional Support Dog, for my Depression (and now BPD) and I go to buy cigarettes as well. I ask “can I get a pack of cigarettes” the manager says “not with the dog you can’t” I say – and show my badge that is around my neck “Shes a regisered emotional support dog, i’m allowed to have her!” At this point i’m about to have a panic attack. and my husband is on the phone so I’m really stressed bc he can’t help me…. I’m freaking out my stomach, heart and mind drop to my feet, I’m about to loose alll hope for every thing I want to fall on the floor and let ants carry me to my grave.

finally he says “well as long as you keep her under control” I think no shit sherlock, shes a service dog shes supposed to be undercontrol. so after I leave I call customer support to report the incident to see if their employees are properly trained on ADA rules (American Disability Act).  the #1 rule they are NOT allowed to ask for Identification of you or your dog if they are or are not a service animal are long as they have some display that they are a working dog (she has a red tag on her harness) #2 they can not harass you or discriminate you IN ANY way bc you have a service animal.

But when I called they were out for the day so I’m going to try again on monday to tell them that their employee are not properly trained on ADA rules and regulations on service animals and that needs to change before someone other than me sues them for not properly taking care of their customers.

And I did have a anxiety attack when I got into the car BTW…. I got really pissed off at everyone… even my dog… then I started knitted and I felt better… how lame am I?